Journal

The cultural divide on food is massive. The perception is all wrong.

Many a time we see that in consumerism, a product starts off being expensive and the more people but the cheaper it becomes. That’s how areas like technology have always been evolved. However! The food area is a far more complex. We can’t produce food like microchips and motherboards. As a consequence, pressure has been put on food production to increase its output ten-fold. This has had negative effect. Therefore, food such as vegetables when produced properly are generally more expensive; seen as something which is a treat and not a lifestyle.

The anxious drip flows into my body as I think about the journey ahead. Getting home. My music disturbed as the electronics fails me. I wonder about work and if things have changed. I wonder after this time how people perceive me.

Am I liked or looked upon in a weird way?

Being the same applies my nature to my emotions. Outcast and obstacles. The biggest shit in my life.

02/04/10

The culture here is please others and impression is all mighty. Are we under the fictional realism that the appeasement of stupidity is the next part of evolution?

What’s the point in saving others when we can’t fend for ourselves?

The damned culture is my perfect description for this delusional society. Lazy and unwilling to change, a major highlight of this society.

Watching TV aimlessly and treating the rest with no willingness to freedom.

Well I say, FUCK YOU!

09/04/10

If the old have nothing to teach us apart from the “Yes to everything to appease others”, and name you have cleaned and food prepared commandments. Well, the latter two are merely statements of common sense and the first the unintelligence. We believe we must suffer endlessly to improve ourselves which sometimes doesn’t make sense. But in this culture we have no outcome of happiness. Just infinite (or what seems) boredom and conversations about the suffering and how we’re in these times. Mere action is a step too far.

In the event of an ice age avoid Iraq by all means. Especially the stupidity of the northern Kurds. Being a Kurd myself; I’m amazed by the clear lack of direction and tactical acumen. Compare ourselves to most other cultures and we seem like we’re constantly fucking ourselves in the foot.

Why are we not thinking ahead?

Satisfying out basic needs is beyond our capacity; yet we believe the materialism gives us that happiness.

Why bother debating and working to improve a country when the basic philosophy is sugar-coated around very weak socialism. We’re putting in 10KG of apples and getting back 500g of juice and 2 seeds to replant. Yet we might think of the many uses of the apple we are stubborn and endeavour to appease the superficial and annoying desires. The desire to be better than one another.

What makes me sad?

The potential. Like an artist gone blond because he feels sight is not right. The respect and administration plays s bigger part than his emotions and connectivity with hand to brush to canvas.

I dreamt about the past – my old flat well our old flat. In acton town, the memories of my childhood spread across that era in my life. I dreamt about it last night. The comfort, the power of the imagination, the feeling of a bird spreading it’s wings for the first time. I keep wanting to time travel back to that part of my life. To embrace myself in those tickles of life.

I hate the enforcement of adulthood. The woes, the responsbilities – a massive headache. A constant headache that leaves unable to be innocent again. I want that back. I hate being the adult. Earning of money and the rapid fire of complianing. I’m living in an era of my life filled with a mountain of lies.

I want to go back to where I enjoyed life. I want to drown myself in imagination.

The art of writing has lost its drive, has lost its passion. Mashed into unforeseeable potato salad. Lets hope not forever lost. The mass need for fast talk, instant satisfaction has taken over. Now we aren’t bothered about the deepness but whether it provides us with that never ending requirement for attention. This attention has started to dominate the fabric of life and it shows with the products amassed over the past couple of years. Bringing and increasing that yearn for popularity. We’re faced with the Roman times yet again – colosseum filled with cheers and boos for low cost entertainment. Too stupid and blissful to notice.

Another era of annoyance for the few who want to make something of themselves. I hope this dreadful timing does not last a mere fraction as my heart grows and ripens full of old and choking dust. I don’t regret the nature of my life but the lack of deviation and patience. The analysis is vital as it uncovers truth hidden frequently by mass eruptions within my soul. The mind does indeed seek a straight truth and the heart ponders amongst the common feelings of the rest of them. The devouring and forceful soul screams. It inject a potent concoction of confusion. Rattling my body. I can sense its eagerness to break free…

Ahh…

The freedom to roam unjudged and unrated. Now we get down to the bottom of it. Let me explore my individuality unjudged (I know its not a word but meh) and unrated. I’m not another YouTube video.

I simply have lost the ability to communicate with others. Riddled and jumbled with emotions that mix with every fantasy and reality ever possibly processed in our minds.

I don’t understand and feel the chill of isolation. I’m muzzled for conversation or intent in others. The pain and disappointment from precious friendships have left a vodka – old cheap vodka taste in my system and can’t forgive or get past them.

The stubbornness kicks in and determination lets rip! As they say, keep digging my own hole. The unthinkable – the self destruction.

The interesting conflicts
plaing riddles within. A comfort test of proving my worth is expanding my tolerance to the limit.

The sadness strikes through and destroys everything I hold of importance. My heart fills on empty and yet this emptiness opens the truth of the truth of all truths. I see into myself and though the pain continues to numb me. For I’ve glanced into that, that should never be seen. For I’ve felt the extreme darkness in this controlled heart of mine. I dare not think the power if bestowals on those fragile souls.

The tears form and the goose bumps slide across my neck. I can see you, I can feel you darkness. You’re so beautiful and so peaceful. And yet we fear you. And yet we don’t know that you and life are part of the same coin…

What’s going on? Confusion tapping and it’s heavy hand strikes. I look and picture the beauty. I cry for escapism.

How would you feel? Continuing to find the entrapment, the lack of the fresh air. I dare but wonder how it’ll all end. Are my thoughts so dark and engulfed with nothing, nothing that resembles my burning for escapism.

Or

Maybe its one of those nights that the flux sets into my soul. For once,again, I think that need for my heart… We struggle in our lives trying to reach that, that great height of “enlightenment”. And yet we tend to look at others to bounce blame and take on the scapegoat theory to reduce our understanding of the enlightenment. Carrying the burden will foever remind even if we choose to ignore it. Facing the burden only encourages how we deal with forthcoming. As humans, our methodology is trail and error, and as we continue on this journey of humanity. We still crease to cater for an improved method. We still look upon others to blame our misfit sorrows.

The colourful sounds of splat, pow and bang. As I stand here, getting ever closer to that machine I work in. The thought of slashing my wrists doesn’t sound too bad.

Newspapers everywhere (touching me in ways never before), the words – the message engulf our very little minds. And people feel forever lost without those to desaturate their morning until they go into the money machine.

Oh you’ve heard it too?

What beauty of dreams imprinted – graced by hell’s candy eye. And as I walk along this bright-green line figuring out where the end is. My bright-coloured partner buzzes around on floating state.

Oh how I miss those paints, that used to get everywhere and now I’m left with pen and paper… How inspiring.

This is for my eternal love.

I know understand how amazing you are truly are. My life has changed – you’ve taught a lot of things about how a relationship can withstand time.

Your kindness has shown me how no ends for forgiveness. Your beauty has shown me no dark spots in the world. Your soul has shown me what my true love is.

I love you with all my heart &endash; my soul is healed with your touch and I’m able to let go and be at one with life.

Do you stay with someone because they love you? That question ponders and accelerates through the many brain cells… I look over at this couple obviously one is without care and the other looks away in disbelief while her ipod drains her thoughts away. Her eyes ever so heavier as she shut them with ease. The body language, towards and away from him. The phases she faces both clash into each other.

The headache, the tiredness, striking at me. Through the tube, I see no end nor beginning. Just one dark tunnel, filled with people. No love, no respect, nor eye contact. Such a cold vehicle all might as be dead! Vanishing from us, the need to communicate as a society and yet we make it our duty to verbalise ourselves on such panels as the internet, myspace and those few irritations that fill our already wasted time. Why do we not escape the game, we’ve been put in? We’re already in a matrix…

Feel free to write your thoughts. Don’t restrict and admire the earth’s ground. Nothing more gentle and satisfying, then that fresh splash on my face early in the morning when the sun hits and bounces across the room. And nor do I feel that lack of sleep anymore, for my mind’s cleared up. And nor, do I have that teeth shattering tension scaling up my skins half way through the afternoon. What bring ever increasing satisfaction and ever more contentment is that smile I can bring to my loved ones. For that is my next step…

I’m in an usual place… In two worlds, a deciding cross road. And they mentioned in the TV programme I watched yesterday. Where might be able to branch into different realities depending on the decisions you make. And I feel at that place. What am I edging towards with either alternate realities?

What do there parallel universes provide in the way of advantages and disadvantages? Yet, one thinks the moment you reach this point, it signifies the fact your decision is already made! What I mean by this, is simply the fact I’m thining about what to do with my relationship shows how I feel about it. And the outcome has already been chosen. I’m merely delaying the process of its termination? That senstce is asking whether my sentence is of truth from my heart or mind and hence finished with a question mark.

Do I stay or leave?

What holdings are around the corner if I stay? Or leave?

Surely, my dedication shows a pure example of my love for her? Who knows!

At the moment things are fucked up and to decide when one is in chaos is not a good one. Let be and ride the winds of change…

Feel free to write your thoughts. Don’t restrict and admire the earth’s ground. Nothing more gentle and satisfying, then that fresh splash on my face early in the morning when the sun hits and comes across my room. And nor do I feel that lack of sleep anymore, for my mind’s cleared up. And nor, do I have that teeth shattering tension scaling up my skin half way through the afternoon. What bring ever increasing satisfaction and ever more contentment is that smile I can bring to my loved ones. For that is my next step…

I was thinking about a particular quote I wrote several years ago…

“True brightness of love, evolves from the dark”

Now I’ve been thinking about this quote and its realness. Does it apply to our reality? Do people shift together by moments of pure-brilliance of that oh so unusual darkness…?

It is because that both of them feel vulnerable and a connection is made, whether they deem to liking one another?

And it these oh-so connections are made, are they of tangible quaility? Its weird, come to think of it… My astrological profile is so spot on its insane! When i done that report for Annie and I, the statements (well some), seemed somewhat bold and out of this world. Yet, the longer our relationship dwells on for, the statements increase in truth. I tell ya, every couple should do one. It help outline the strengths and weakness of the relationship. It also makes it more surreal when a web browser tells you more about your relationship than I possiblity knew!

In fact, I went for a job interview and they made fill out a questionnaire; some crappy pyschological test I thought. I was sadly mistaken and the results showed how I acted/reacted in a work place down to a tee…! It said that I’m very much a people’s person and like to have people around me when I work. But when the pressure is on me, I completely lock myself out and focus on the job on hand.

I still find iy strange to see people cast their lives to a reality of robotic behaviour. Oh we stupid robots and oh you may say its untrue. We (humans) can do whatever we like! Yeah I know but we’re bound by rules, regulartions to keep us in check. That’s a good thing well not at all, and this “law” we so bound ourselves to, can also bend and we lower our heads and follow this bent path.

I call this path the sheep’s path:

• Born
• Grow up
• Study
• Go travling (optional)
• Start work
• Find someone
• Have kids
• Die

What a boring list… The sheep’s paths… I’ve always been against such a life style and yet strange enough I find myself entrapped. But don’t worry folks the alternate life is at ahand, the wanna-do-what-I-like’ path.

I feel depressed today. The lonely empty type of depression, that grabs onto
you like tar. It feels as if it’d be almost impossible get off. If I were
to create a picture, it would have to be me inside a dark hole, with no hope
of escape, just wishing-praying for someone to throw me a line. I’ve had
a lot of sleepless nights lately; I’m not able to finish my journal on
Sweden. Even though very freshening and fulfilling, not exactly something which
seems to drive my passion to write. Maybe all my writings are just filled with
dark feelings? Wouldn’t that be strange? I always seem to go for a positive
attitude and yet my motivation is based on the sad-crazy emotions of the heart.
Although I’m not one to keep such negative emotions, it seems I’m
one who like to write such emotions. Pushing my heart and mind into another
level of thought. It could be that my hypersensitive nature has led me to be
tough with people, as the pain leaves a scare while the good emotions just
fill your heart. Hence which one would you notice more, the deep mark or the
filled hole? My point taken…

I really need to get my act together about showing off my dissertation as
it has been nearly 4 months of none activity on that plane. I did however start
my experimentation with some of the programs and to my luck; I found a program,
which will allow me to create the houses for my project. I’m planning
to create a kiosk for estate agents with a 3D view of the house. It sounded
like a good idea, but it seems ever-increasingly not right. However, I choose
this, and must continue to finish it. I only really need 40% to get my degree;
I wont get a good degree. Yet I don’t believe my success shall come from
using my educational; maybe more of the ideas that cumulate in my head.

I hope I can sleep properly, maybe I should stop waking up so late and sloughing
about tills it’s 4pm. I don’t know, the thought of a writing a
report makes me less interested in completing my dissertation, I guess I’ll
just have to start with the interface before I’ll start with the research
and report.

I started speaking to Claudia again, she responded but only with my determined conversational skills. The way she was writing, it felt like that she was sad or maybe just not bothered anyone about talking with me. I wanted to send the university photos I took, maybe hoping (fingers crossed) that we could be friends again. But that’ll never happen in the next 1000years, I must of really broken her heart. My ways were very merciless, (trying to lighten the guilt) but only because I can’t stand people who are so ridge and rude. She told me to keep the photos, and in the emotions department it was like hitting a brick wall at 40mph. I won’t bother her again that’s for sure. I saw that Tina came online as well, she opened my window, but then closed it again. Maybe she can’t be bothered talking to me either. I knew I’d lose all my friends at uni, I could just feel that they were temporary friends. When I was with them, I couldn’t picture myself 10 years down the line talking or hanging out with them. Most of them were too religiously entangled, hence too into their own worlds. Where does that leave me? Outside with no one. So why did I bother helping any of them? I guess my good-natured spirit couldn’t help but help!

They say it’s an easy life to be dump but very hard when intelligent.
I couldn’t agree more. People don’t seem to like intelligence in
another person and it really intimidates them. I can sympathise about that
line of thought, as the girls who were cleverer than I did make me feel uncomfortable.
Although luckily I realised it makes one feel much better when you help that
intelligence grow. Look at me for example, I was slowly pushed out of that
job in snappy snaps simply because I knew more about Photoshop and that scared
them. I know now why others used to put me down, they were simply scared of
my potential.

I really do hate fighting with Nadean, I don’t think i really understand who
is she as a person or how she thinks. We get our wires crossed so many times,
both stubborn and very hot-tempered. We had a big fight over the most stupid
thing. I can’t stand her hypersensitive nature, combined with my ruthless attitude
towards her. Thats what I call a really bad cocktail… I feel sad we had this
fight, it boils her blood and mine. What does that mean? I have no idea, but
i hope to find out…

I feel a bit better now actually; writing this down has lifted a bit of the
distress.

I’m in a loving mood, as my final night comes before I set off to Sweden.
I hope I have fun there and the much-needed rest my body and mind requires from
this oh-so draining atmosphere of London. I can’t help but think that
I need to express my feelings to someone? But whom?

The piano sets my heart into deep emotions…

I remember reading the Godfather book, and I noticed two kinds of love in
the story for Michael Corleone. One was Kay Adams, which was the sweetheart
and kind love. The other was the girl he met in Sicily that was the fiery passion
of sight, which grabbed hold of him. Which is better? The first feels comfortable,
but the second is never a day that you won’t think of her…

Am I just the trickster that the signs calm I am? Or are my feelings of real
nature, the pure and frank kind? My heart yearns to love someone… both physically
and mentally. It yearns to share, to capture ever-lasting moments, to feel
completely at one with another person, it yearns and it calls out to you. I
know I will struggle to keep hold of you, and endure so much pain. Yet I happily
know, you will be worthwhile my soul mate. Whoever you may be… As I said
before “love goes not without hurt”.

The coldness of the song now reminds me of Event
Horizon, the possibility of
alternate dimensions is so amazing. The thought of seeing how something can end
in a different way and its outcome sends my mind into a storm of thoughts. To
even think about the possibility of ever being in space, sends my heart into
an unusual state of enlightenment. I remember once, when we went on holiday to
Spain. We were walking along the pathway right beside the beach, and I could
hear the waves calling out. I looked up and noticed the beautiful sky that stretched
across. I went and lay down on the hard wooden bench. Glazing into the empty
nothingness of the blackened sky. I fixated my eyes onto the so-many stars painted
upon this canvas.

My ears slip and slope on this song, as the darkness within reminds me of
the empty space. Empty Space where nothing occurs, where there is no time,
and the fate never decided. I could imagine this song being part of The
Ring,
or a film involving TV static…

I feel myself strong again, content once more… The necessary laziness of
today has brought an ambience of peace around me. I’m not whatsoever
frustrated anymore, nor does the dark of the winter day convey depression upon
me. A film that I watched, made me realise something, something about myself.
Remember I was talking about the fact that I needed to loosen up a little?
Well this film entitled The Talented Mr. Ripley really shone some inspiration
onto me. The guy was played by Jude Law, was a vain yet happy kind of person,
shining out positive energy upon whomever he spoke to. It made me realise that
my over-analytic mind needs to form some kind of detachment so that I don’t
get wrapped in my own contemplations. I also realised that the empathy I feel
for others needs to be indifferent from the feelings I, myself feel for them.
Also the fact I’ve stopped thinking about if Catherine likes me or not.
That whole phase of “getting to like me” has passed and resulted
in more consistent emotions. It might make people think how unusual am I, having
just one person consume most of my thoughts. I’ve
never been able to be the type of guy who “lukewarm” likes a girl.
I have either really liked her or not… I’m a black and white painting
with no grey shades it seems…

I just woke up today and realised something. I never seem to be myself with
the ones I try to impress and get to like me. Why bother really? I noticed
this with Catherine when I saw her yesterday for coffee. I was going through
my mind trying to think of something to say but instead my mind shot 6 ways
creating a branch effect. This happened before with that Kurdish girl that
I liked as well. Yet with the ones I didn’t want to impress everything
fitted together. Strange isn’t it? I should just let my impulsive side
control my ways with people. I was speaking to my mum about this, and really
no point trying to get people to like you. Even more unusual is the fact that
I keep perplexing over and over on this matter. I’ve been through a stage
of not caring, then going back to caring, then not again… very weird… I
think I’m trying to be more rational about my thoughts at this moment.

My flux? A part of it, definitely an excuse to cover up my dark intense feelings. For I’m
not one to hold onto negative emotions thrown on me. But it seems I’m
not one to cast emotions created inside me, that’d just make me a robot… Another part of it doesn’t enjoy doing the same thing over and over again… And yet I cry out for consistency? lol sometimes even my own emotions lead me to believe this is what i want… But i also should try to be more laid back and free…

The winter day breaks into me; I can feel the lack of heat, the lack of enjoy
in my room. The white walls bounce all the loneliness straight back into me.
I feel quite disheartened today, I think about the friends I had and why they
haven’t tried to stay in contact with me? I have tried myself to stay in
contact, calling Tina and I did text Alev. I gave my heart out and at the end
I got nothing. Alev, I helped her by doing the practical part of the dissertation,
all in 2 weeks work. She did pay me, yet the amount I helped her in the past.
It seems all forgotten and done with them. Even Tina has a dried approach with
me now. I feel deserted, I feel the winter come down on me. I thought that they’d
be my friends for life. That fucking idealism has caused me so much pain inside,
well fuck you and fuck everyone who uses people. What gives them the right to
use then drop me like it meant nothing? And they call me impersonal? Well they
can burn in hell. The rage is well lit inside. Such heartache can’t be
classified as impersonal.

The tears settle down my cheek….

I don’t know what to think of people anymore… Who can I trust? My
mind is all over the place… It would be nice if I was liked for me, and not
for what can I give people. That’s all I ask for, just to be liked for
being Hal. Am I really that bad of a person? I’d like to know what I
do to people for them to be so not my friend. I’m glad I met Hania, she’s
always wanted to go out every weekend. It’s made me feel wanted, and
I guess that what I really need inside. She was my lifeline when I was really
lonely.

My weekend? How was it? It consisted of nothing, I watched TV, went online,
I slept, I ate, I stayed at home all day. The end. How lovely…?

I hate going through this, this self-torture,
this self-depreciation, this insanity. I’d like some normality… some consistentcy
please

Its weird, I’m thinking about the course of my life and whom I end up meeting.
Am I starting to predict the course fate creates for me…? Maybe my instincts
have become more in-tuned with reality… The first time I met Catherine, I knew
after that first meeting that’d we meet again. Just this calm feeling of
the future aired around inside me, it wasn’t intimidating or eerie, just
there, if you know what I mean.

The more I read my karma report, the more it helps me understand the way of
love and my course through it. I know I’m madly obsessed with the human
mind and the reasoning behind many things. The thing that captures me the most
is love. “Love goes not without hurts as I wrote, makes a lot of
sense yet later on I tried to contradict myself. The many times when I’d
argue with Claudia about this whole concept of love, and that there should
be one perfect love for everyone. Then I’d think about past lives, and
hence the possibility of many strong love-lines attached to your soul. So how
can there be just one person waiting for you? Maybe the superstring theory
had me a bit confused, as it should just be a self-reserved theory rather than
applied to everyone around you. I do believe we are linked and the balances
of life try to adjust according to your actions, but the path is just wiggled
never changed. Trying to combine a scientific theory with the multifarious
love might be like trying to combine water and oil…? If you watch the second
Matrix movie, the guy in the chair (near the end) explains a lot of deep stuff
about it. How one can predict your actions by simple manipulation, i.e. placing
a group of people to stop in front will make you go to either side of the road
to pass them.

Catherine and I had a debate about monogamy vs. polygamy. My argument was
that being a polygamist is being primitive in nature, we as humans have the
power to reason our decisions/judgements. Yet Catherine said you’d have
to be emotionally mature to accept it. I said logically humans have to reproduce
it’s the most basic of all needs, so to be mature is it be monogamous
or to restrict yourself from fundamental rules of nature. I guess humans can’t
forced into accepting one-way of life, that’s just stupidity really.
But I’m a one woman man, only like to be put my focus onto one girl at
a time, thank you very much….

My search for her, that’s what its about right? So where she is? I’ll
find out eventually…

One final check of my email, as my msn is rubbish and does not update
its notifications anymore… I got the song that Catherine told me, started
listening to it and become intensely hooked. I was thinking about this on
the train actually, and this song just reminded of it in some form… don’t
ask me how… nothing to do with the actual lyrics or title.

Maybe the girls I’m attracted to are not unusual in the form that they
themselves are mentally unstable. But perhaps they could be looking for that
extra special edge inside a person. Many people are quite pleased with simple
interactions, yet some are searching for that extra bit of
brain stimulation as I am myself. This pattern of cognitive thinking brings
me to the conclusion that these girls can be deceptive in nature. For intelligence
is a source of insanity, pushing along all the ideals of paranoia into great
depths. Anyway, this deepness tends to get too airy sometimes, some topics
can loop in onto itself.

It pisses me off greatly though, thinking so in depth about things all the
time… The problem is my mind needs to be constantly engaged in an activity, I wish the same for
my body. Then I could get off my lazy ass and find another job…
It’s
hard being lazy for nearly 3 years then getting into the regularity of the
world. Right ok, I wouldn’t
mind if it was a well paid job and the people were good fun, hell I wouldn’t
mind if it was crappy job but with great people. The whole 9-5 concept slowly
drains my mind if none of those aspects are filled. I feel really squeezed
working at this Snappy Snaps place; I’m watching what I say since the
last incidence, where a telltale told my boss of a “joke” that
got turned into a serious matter. Now rather than respecting my enthusiasm
and ability to learn quickly, they’ve restricted my duties, what lack
of maturity these people have… Only one person really has tried to push me
into the direction, yet now he has been turned into to”dark” side.

Wooo gone way off the topic as I usually do. Highlight of my day was seeing
Catherine today. I done nothing at all, well I found out why my hotmail and
msn was buggered it was cos I was using 256bit wireless encryption and it wouldn’t
let information be sent back to my computer at the same time as information
was being already sent outwards. Simply because of the time it takes to encrypt
the data at such high rates, it’ll take around a few milliseconds at
256bit encryption. I tried setting it to 60bit but the HEX key wasn’t
recognised by my computer… Weird… Oh well, I just turned it off as no one
cos is using wireless adapters around my neighbourhood anyway. More nerd talk
I know sorry… I went to the post office beforehand to send some cd’s
to Zoe for her belated birthday and the handbag I choose for Charm for her
belated birthday as well… Better than nothing huh! Lol I promised to
go see Catherine, so I headed towards the train station. Got out at Piccadilly
Circus and started streaming past the huge amount of people, it felt like the
next day before I got to Hamley’s. I took a couple of pictures of her,
in her “glamorous” outfit fit for a queen, at £400 I’d
say! Catherine thought I wasn’t gonna come and had a gleaming smile on her
when she saw my face. She was disappointed that no one else made the effort.
I decided to meet her late, so I could take her
for a coffee, but she had other plans. A little sadden I walked back
to the station, then I thought “ahhh
Hania’s
still at work!” Gave
her a call, meet up, went back to hers, listened to some new music and had
a great laugh about her obsessive nature to prove her boyfriend wrong.

Catherine’s choice of music does have me wrapped up
quite strongly. The two I liked best have a mystical dark feel to them… I know i went way off topic, just try to ignore everything expect the 2nd paragraph.

I’ll notice the eyes of a girl first, then her smile and decide my actions
based upon those two aspects if I don’t know the girl beforehand… I see
many faces, all around. Yet the ones that dig deep into my heart are so fragile
and complex. I realised why I kept meeting unusual girls. The fact that complexity
runs thickly through my blood is a good sign, don’t you think? Then maybe
the whole notation that “you attract the opposite of yourself” is
somewhat flawed.

One girl that enticed my senses was the one on the “chance” perfume
advert. Her red hair and beautiful eyes made my heart go “wee” lol!
The little freckles on her nose and cheeks (so cute!). Strange, as when I was
18 my ideal woman should have had “black” hair and light coloured
eyes with absolutely no freckles or skin deflects present. How wonderful it
is to be free of those ideals… What a sad case I’d be otherwise…
They restrict one from experience.

I know what Catherine meant by this song being so captivating. The guy’s
voice is just plain and simply beautiful. My heart melts over the words; painting
sad images into my head of lost love, more images of flying across the green
peaceful mountains of Peru. A slight tear comes to my eye

I saw Miss McHattie last Thursday, with those sharp blue eyes of hers, I couldn’t
resist. I do wonder ever so more what she thinks of me? I do think more about
her lately, and I actually missed talking to her on our departure from each
other that Thursday. First time in a long while since that’s happened
to me. You can feel it inside you, yet I do believe that this feeling plays
more on my side than hers.

I met her at Greenford station, 10mins late was she and I. I’ve started
to recognise her lateness. A light kiss on her cheek, as she was acquiring
about whether I was waiting long for her. Into our somewhat warm house, I raced
upstairs and left poor Catherine behind to fend off my mother’s uniqueness
of approaching girls that I bring over. My mum really means no harm at all,
her sweet loving nature can be casted aside sometimes. I came down again, to
see her boots were holding her back. She came up, looking around noticing the
slight “bareness” of
my room. I did tell her I’d get some photographs asap, as soon as I have
the money and energy to drill holes into my walls. I’m gonna buy some
frames from Ikea, so that I can change the images inside as frequent as my
taste. We went downstairs when my Mother left, going to the kitchen to cook
some chips. I saw Catherine snooping around our fridge, using her cynical judgment
to gather what wasn’t in balance in accordance with the food relegations
set in the UK. We placed ourselves onto the sofa and started eating away at
the various seeds and nuts. Emptying the bowl before going onto the “finely” cooked
chips, with a soft spread of ketchup on top. We made our way to my room again
and started watching Jay
and Silent Bob Strike Back. Now the beginning was
faintly amusing and some parts did make me laugh. Yet what I couldn’t
understand was the length of the film, how long was the actual film? As it
drove my brain into a slow and painful meltdown. All my mind was thinking,
was “shit this film is getting more worse… god help me!”. I was
willing to end the film prematurely, yet sweet-dear Catherine wasn’t
happy with the amount her brain had drooled into non-existence. I was glad
during some of the final scenes the video and audio were corrupted by the DivX
encoding, as it gave my brain those vital seconds of rest. I usually have an
opinion on the story and plot, but by the end of this movie I was so intensely
happy it ended I didn’t care anymore! If you wish to spread your disgust
about this movie, log onto the Internet
Movie Database and
click on “1″ rating for
this movie, please do it for me and all the other poor souls who viewed this.

I saw her lying on my pillow and had to kiss her, those lips of hers were
inviting indeed. This time, it felt ever so more tasteful. The desire to kiss
her was stronger; I was comfortable with the idea, less worried about her reaction
as we done it before. Air were playing their light melodies across my room
as the tasty kisses carried on.
One moment that sticks in my head though, is where she had to go to the toilet
yet beforehand she gives me a quick kiss on the lips, a “I’ll be
right back as I do it enjoy this” kind of kiss.

I’ll notice the eyes of a girl first, then her smile and decide my actions
based upon those two aspects if I don’t know the girl beforehand… I see
many faces, all around. Yet the ones that dig deep into my heart are so fragile
and complex. I realised why I kept meeting unusual girls. The fact that complexity
runs thickly through my blood is a good sign, don’t you think? Then maybe
the whole notation that “you attract the opposite of yourself” is
somewhat flawed.

One girl that enticed my senses was the one on the “chance” perfume
advert. Her red hair and beautiful eyes made my heart go “wee” lol!
The little freckles on her nose and cheeks (so cute!). Strange, as when I was
18 my ideal woman should have had “black” hair and light coloured
eyes with absolutely no freckles or skin deflects present. How wonderful it
is to be free of those ideals… What a sad case I’d be otherwise…
They restrict one from experience.

For I am a true chameleon, in the whole sense of it both physical and mentally…
My face acquires that of many other males, at different angles, at different
hairstyles, at different levels of stubble… The chaos inside my head balances
finely across my personality and creates this fog about me, where I seem
to loom across tens of different interests-genres-humours and so forth…
This fog-like personality also makes people nervous, they quite don’t
know what to expect from me…

Should I focus on one thing at a time? Or let my multi-tasking brain loom
about endlessly?

I find it amusing when I think about myself, trying to figure people out.
I was on the train today going to work, and this lady I saw a couple of times,
but never really took notice of. Yet this time around, I started looking at
her and the way everything was colour coordinated (down to her lipstick), how
her nails were neat, the way she held herself upright. She obliviously wanted
to look very non-faulty, where nothing could be wronged of her appearance,
if that makes any sense. Does this analytic side of me have something to do
with the need to overpower people or is it that I don’t trust people
enough…? My many years of being hurt by the misuse of my goodwill has lead
me into this cautious yet open approach to everyone. Even those whom I’ve
been friends for years and years, still prying my mistrust upon them. Catherine
did mention that I should let go of things and not take things to deeply into
heart, and a point has to be taken from that. I read up on her astrology, and
noticed that her Mercury sign lay in Virgo, telling me that she is of the greatest
analysers around. So maybe to take advise from her is of good importance.

I look around my room and notice the piles of history that I must organise
and hide away…

I took trip around Harrow-on-the-hill and noticed the amount of beauty laying
in the architectural designs scattered around the houses. This place really
opened up to me when the bus came to the top of the hill, and a gash of excitement
ran through my bones. My eyes taking note of all that it lay upon, the misty
fog running its hands across the trees, the soft pastel colours of the leaves
and trees. Oh would I have fun taking pictures here… I saw the local church
and would love to go there for a visit. I love to be surrounded by beauty,
it creates such calmness inside me, makes me realise how great life is to experience
life itself.

Moving house, relocating, getting a bigger room

Clearly some good advantages and some bad…

Moving house is always a massive hassle, packing things, finding old memories
scattered around my room. I wonder what I’ll find today as I begin my
final packing of clothes and the past. A nice thing is the fact I get a bigger
room, my sharp mind and tongue twisted and tangled the discussion with my Mother.
And eventually I got the bigger room after some “reasonable” and “powerful” talking…
(tehehe)

Catherine came around to mine this Tuesday. We both now had obvious intentions
on the activities that could spring into reality.

I wanna try something new that I got from movie called The
Butterfly Effect,
just simply jumping from one memory to another describing the thing I remember
most about it rather than ranting on and on…

I started scanning some pictures in for Catherine, correcting the Gamma to
1.5 as the past images were out of the range for the luminosity and auto levels
were added to each image.

I noticed her good colour coordination, red and black, what a lovely colours.
Suited her well. I noticed her stripped socks and thought “ooo gotta
tickle them toes!”

She brought a CD from her own collection as she is “trying” to educate
me in Auckland music styles. It was really good and I’m glad she brought it
over as it give me a chance to put onto my computer. Mostly classics I’ve heard
before.

Waiting for the lift, I told her I was still gonna have to kiss her. Catherine
blushed while casually grinning.

At Acton Town Station, sat down and discussed her sexual revolutions, her
chance to act out without the consequences. I was quite surprised, as I thought
a girl with such intelligence would surely have strong integrity. Opening my
mind up I guess I’d probably be the same if I were on holiday, the freedom
the uncapped the unwatched.

In the cinema we looked at the times and see that Saw is for 19:20 and not
the 3:15pm that I saw on the internet. I talked to one of the members of staff
and sorted out the problem quickly. Brought the tickets and noticed her facial
expression was one of “oh hal… come on…” She brought some m&m’s
and salted popcorn. Noticed no one was in the cinema! Which was kick ass!!
I love being in an empty place, just feel so free to do what I like. Unfortunately “one” person
came in and spoilt our moment of fun. I did turn my head and kiss her. Then
went in for another kiss, I felt her teeth grip onto my lower lip.

The movie was completely twisted in plot. I was the naive the analyser
jumping from one villain to another, while Catherine was quietly summing up
her own conclusions. The film had a lot of gory bits and I saw Catherine go
into a ball and have one eye open. It was strange for me though; I used to
be afraid of such things as well, yet now I was staring at all the gory pictures
being thrown onto me. I saw the doctor cut off his foot, a very gory sight.
Yet I remember downloading movies of people being killed or extremely gory
pictures just out of curiosity, they did however make me wanna throw-up. Maybe
I’ve been desensitised….

It started raining as we run through the rain and made our way home. We started
talking and kissing. It was nice to have someone there to cuddle and just hold.
I missed doing that a lot and was glad I had Catherine there beside me.

My mum started shouting, poor Catherine looked a bit nervous. My Mother was
just annoyed at not finding the tape measurer so we would measure the floors
at our new houses and find if the builder who was laying the flooring was cheating
on us. My mum always so intensely paranoid, maybe I get some of that from her…

Walked Catherine to the train station, kissed good-bye.

What am I looking for? My soul mate of course…

That misunderstood and lonely soul, who has so much to share and no one to
share it with. She cries for it, but hates herself for being so weak about
such silly things. She likes to be happy and free. She is loyal never tries
to hurt anyone. She shows a caring side and is young at heart. She is straightforward
and real.

The glitter in her dark eyes shines in the reflection of the train window
as she stares endlessly. Her head placed against the window, her eyes drifting
around, and her mind in never-ending thoughts. The jet-black hair, silky, drifting
down her light coloured neck.

It does upset me meeting people who are never willing to take a risk or ones
who play mind games. It does upset me a lot… I wish things were simpler and
people didn’t fear for no reason. Why I’m saying this, is cos my
friend Nadean and I were planning to meet up after Christmas. And this thought
really got me happy and lead my dreamy-heart into a set of idealistic contemplations.
Then reality hit me, and she “backed out”, thinking that I’d
think differently if we met. She has problems with her weight; I tried to reassure
her this wasn’t an issue with me. Why would it be? I had nice thoughts
though, about going across Battersea Bridge at night, seeing those beautiful
lights simmer across the Thames River and the wind blowing across her hair, setting
it alight into a whirlwind of patterns across the sky. All those thoughts thrashed
away. I’m still upset about it, and won’t let go of this so easily,
as I might of done lots of times. Tolerance, my number one friend and enemy.

Sitting here at my desk, I begin thinking about the flux so tightly entwined
into the complex thoughts bouncing around in my mind. I seem to go through
certain moods, triggered by events or sometimes by nothing at all. These mood
shifts still puzzle me; they might be a cause of my hypersensitivity or the
intensity on which I think. I try to be as logical and straight as I can be
and yet somewhere this down-to-earth nature blocks out my erratic power to
be free. As a result this intensity breaks loose in unusual ways and spurts
out at inaccurately timed moments. So people see a conventional-looking guy
screaming, shouting or making weird noises as an unusual sight. As the karma
report explained to me, on the outside I might look normal but on the inside
I’m far from anything straight. I once tried to tell my ways to Vicky;
I called myself a “controlled-vortex”. Where vortex is an uncontrollable
gateway to another dimension.

What I did find out when I came out of the bad side, that to dive deep into
the darkness leads to happiness for me. As the darkest or saddest emotions
leads the way to good side of my flux. So can I say that a black hole represents
a scientific clause to my actions? As so many fear the unknown, yet it seems
the unknown/darkness/fear leads me into the brightness of life. But why should
I think that the brightness of life is a good thing? As I believe enjoyment
can be taken from the gloom of life. Yet thinking this way still shows a primitive
form of dealing with life. An advanced being should be at peace/enlightened
through a sense of wellbeing, since something like murder is a “bad” or “dark” thing
to do? Have we as humans misinterpreted what darkness really is? An important
part (darkness) to the balance of the universe, it exists in the skies, in
the blackened alleyways, the unlit streets, inside our souls…

For many a time, I’ve indulged into the darkness that is truly present
inside me. I’ve written poetry about death, blood and have drawn such
pictures on A3 sheet’s my Mother brought me once when I was bored. Tonight
I was thinking about such things, as the music was flowing into my ears. Maybe
I was a very bad person in a past life, and now it leaks out once a while.
But I’m glad the logical side has a confirm grip upon my decision-making
and my heart is too gentle to really hurt anyone. However something I can’t
control are the extreme lengths I crave for love, dreamy-solidified-unbroken
love. It’s a good thing I can momentarily displace those feelings until
I settle down into reality, as my heart would be broken a thousand times over…
I might have even killed myself if not for this fact.

Back to my last weekend, I didn’t happen to mention that I went out
again? To that Tiger Tiger place… lol oh dear lord. This was on the Saturday;
I met up with Hania and this guy she was going out with now. I told her to
keep things slow and just be friends, but I knew their “friendship” advanced
onto another level as they kissed, my roving eye catching a slight but clear-enough
glimpse. It did slightly annoy me though that she was dating another guy, an
Indian guy by the nickname of Russia (cos his name sounded like it and I’m
bad at remembering names! Lol), and I knew she slept with the Indian guy as
well, as he stayed over a couple of times. I told her lightly as a joke “oh
your such a sex maniac”, she didn’t deny it! Lol What’s funny,
as a lot of things that happen in this world are amusing to me… This new
guy she is dating is Muslim and she doesn’t like them at all (from her
bad experiences) yet she chooses defy what she learnt from what the past has
told her. I know its shallow to judge someone purely based on their religion,
but I guess what I mean is that she’s kind of falling for him and should
be cautious simply because she doesn’t like Muslim “rules”.
I clearly told her you should just be friends and see how it develops, as she
so usually quickly jumps into bed with them. I know this, cos when we were
doing this death test, there was a selection
for how many people you slept with. I was just innocently looking (I swear)
around my room as she was filling out the test on my computer and noticed she
didn’t
fill it in until I turned my head (sly girl…) but as my roving area caught
what numbers she wrote in, 21 guys she’s slept with and 18 unprotected.
I thought “whoa that’s a lot”. She told me she’s been
out with around 40 guys. I wonder though, what her intentions for all these
sexual activities were? I can hardly care though and people are right, I think
too much about stupid things, I really don’t know when to stop sometimes.
But 21 guys, by today’s standards that’s just amateur right?

On this Saturday tonight, I was in a really light mood. I wanted just to have
fun and do silly things/dances. I was doing this chicken dance but to the beat
of course. I did many unexplainable you-had-to-be-there dance moves. What Hania
thought was odd was the fact that no really paid attention to me apart from
Hania and her guy. I said to her “all the better, we have own private
arena…” Although Hania’s guy tapped this old lady, she must have
been in her 40′s with a set of retro-style glasses. Unfortunately for
me, this old lady turned around and thought it was I. She kept following me
around the dance floor for a bit, I tried to casually dance away, as I didn’t
want to upset her. This blonde girl and I made eye contact and she slowly came
closer and closer towards me. I was impressed by the fact that she had the
guts to ask me “if I wanted a dance partner?”. I said “yeah
sure why not”. We started dancing, I forgot her (the norm for me), I
remember she came from Lithuania, her English was quite well. I never really
asked her much, just danced. She was a real tease though, as she kept turning
around and brushing her hair onto my face. I did initially like it, but after
a couple of times it become annoying. She was a good dancer when it came to
Spanish-style music, but the rest of the time her hands were floating above
her head and her eyes were shut. She told me she liked to dance with her eyes
close. Eventually I noticed a circle of guys all around us though and this
one tall Australia guy told me “ahhh mate you’re the only one she
trusts” I laughed to myself. She had a disappointed look on her when
she said she had to leave and replied “ok bye”. Her last look back
at me, maybe to try to gain some kind of reaction from me was a failure. Later
that night we went to another club, Zoo bar, hence Hania’s guy knew the
bouncer there, getting in for free was a plus. The house music floating around
the big room was hard and light at different parts. The people seemed very
out of the ordinary though, not like “oh she’s wearing a weird
dress” just weird in uncomfortable way. I was glad Hania was going to
go home with her guy, as I wasn’t too happy about having to stay over
night at hers. For I was meeting Catherine the next day and didn’t want
to be late home, in rush, cleaning and making sure my room didn’t look
like it was part of a nuclear holocaust.

The violin in this song (Blue Bar) and the woman’s voice makes me feel
like suicide. I don’t understand why, I have these weird daydreams about
killing myself and hurting everyone around me. Loving to see their reaction
upon my department into another life. I was walking home from after playing
pool with David, I felt kind of bad as I won 7-3, last week 8-3 but the week
before that he did beat me 10-1. He was trying to regain his status as the
master of pool. Sadly lost this time around, he told me he’d leave pool
for a while until he can reclaim his form again. The raindrops were sliding
down my face, as I put my collar up and looked around the darkness of the streets.
I upped my pace to get home quicker, walking like a smooth motion of speed.
I felt this coolness inside me, like I was at ease with the whole concept of
the night and all its mysteries.

On the Sunday, the day I met Catherine again. Yeah, we have been hearing a
lot about her lately, taking up a lot of my journal space indeed. I was dead
tired and got a text from her, saying wanted to come at 1pm instead. I thought “thank
you thank you!” my eyes still needed more sleep, I remembered to set
my alarm to 12pm, as not to fall completely asleep. I put the mobile onto my
window ledge and drifted back to sleep. I woke and made sure my room was spotless;
I never like it when people see my room in a mess. I got a missed call and
made my way to the station, a smile came to me when I saw her staying down
on the bench. Even bigger smile, when I saw she had on the “big ass” boots
(as she likes to call them). They definitely looked good I loved all the buckles
on there; they were really defined set of boots. She said with a look down
at the ground, “you don’t want me to get up”. I really didn’t
mind the height difference, it was only at our initial meeting were I was a
bit uneasy with it. But I felt completely fine now. We walked down towards
my house; she had a bit of trouble walking on the uneven paths. I noticed her
cool binoculars handbag, things like always interest me. I think “that’s
so cool! And original!” I love originality; it shows a great sense of
intelligence as well as consideration.

Hearing this woman’s voice singing in this song, impels such uneasy
yet strong emotions through my heart…

As we reached our lift, I saw this black guy who I knew for about 10 years,
not much interaction with him, just a few hello’s once in a while. As
the lift down was just about to close, he pointed in the direction of Catherine,
as to try to confirm whether she was with me? I don’t know if she saw
me grinning to myself. I opened our creamy pink door, and my brother had this “typical” grin
on his face. As to say, “he’s brought home a girl”, everyone
shook hands and we went into my bedroom. We sat down and started talking. I
looked into her once again ice blue eyes, they were alluring and I had missed
looking into them. I told her to shuffle out her photos; she had kept them
neatly inside their original folders. I knew that she loved her memories and
treasured her photos of what I found out to be Italy. I was scanning away,
when I came across a photo of her ex, she took this rather model-like photo.
I liked the photo, it came across to me as moody yet elegant. I glanced into
her eyes and felt the pain of lost happiness; she must of really loved being
in Italy. Maybe she can help me find a place of my own, as I want to move to
Italy in the near future, can’t stand living in the corrupted taxing-taking
place we know as the UK. She even knows Italian! Which is good, I’ll
have her for some lessons… lol: P

I finished scanning in the images; I told her, you can upload your pictures
now. I noticed her quick fixture on how my computer worked. She got a
bit annoyed when she couldn’t upload the pictures as some more too big,
so I put all the images onto a droplet (an automated set of instructions),
which compressed them from 100% quality down to 60%. I was showing Catherine
my DVD collection; she noticed I liked manga films. I crave the whole dark
cyber-tech themes some of their movies have. I also love the way its drawn
and how the stories never really make any sense, leaving me with the last few
blank pages to fill in with my imagination. I unloaded my two folders of movies,
to where she picked out 28 days later. I never really get bored of that movie,
I must of watched it about 6 times now. And the whole concept of zombie’s
in London still sends stimulants into my mind. I loved seeing the empty streets,
I could imagine rooming around with an air of complete freedom in me. I also
picked out my nearly finished bag of sunflower seeds and we started picking
at them. Filling up my glass with empty black shells. I never forget to suck
all the salt out of the sunflower seed before I place it into the disposal
container (i.e. the glass). We started talking again; I was changing my sitting
position more I would of liked, as Catherine was comfortably crawled into ball.
My mum asked me whether I wanted to eat something and I looked at Catherine
a.k.a miss kitten, asking if she wanted some food. She quietly purred “yes,
but not with your family watching”, I thought it was sweet. So when I
came back into my room, I called her “hunny bunny” just to tease
her a little.

Changing the music back to Blue bar, I feel the swiftness of words escalating.

We watched some Simpsons again; she liked them as much as I did. I think she
was surprised to see I had every episode. I’m quite proud of my collection,
it took me little over 6 months to get it. I will eventually buy all the DVD
collection too. One day when the money is high enough to balance my insane
spending sprees and bills. It reached around 10pm I think and I walked Catherine
back to the station and kissed goodbye. I told her to miss call me when she
got home as I forgot to bring my wallet with me she need £1 extra when
she got off at Wimbledon. I think she was a little bit annoyed I asked her
miss call me, she probably thought “I aint a kid I can take care of myself”.
But I only wanted the miss call me cos I forgot to give her the extra £1.
I won’t deny I have an attraction to this girl, I did feel like kissing
her when she came around to my house, but I don’t think she would of
taken too well. She has been more quiet than usual on MSN, I also noticed the
lack of x’s when we say farewell nowadays. Maybe a mild hint of “don’t
let your imagination run wild”, which is true, when I’m interested
in a girl my imagination does go wild. I think I’m indulging too much
into her “uniqueness”. Although one gift I have though is to turn
off my emotions or switch off the ones I don’t want anymore, sometimes
it scares people but very necessary to keep control of my wild daydreams…

My last, last weekend, or so to say Friday started off by going out clubbing
with Hania again. We went to the “same” club (Tiger Tiger, strangely
a character I liked in the game Street Fighter 2 had a special move in which
he called out “tiger” just thought I’d pop that in… lol)
again, I don’t really like going to the same places back-to-back but I
really wanted to try out my flirting skills and break this shy approach I have
towards women. Last weekend I wanted to talk to girls but didn’t have the
guts simply of the fact that my fear of rejection was overpowering. I was as
a consequence really pissed off with myself for being such a wimp. Luckily Hania
was taken off my responsibility list and she started talking to a guy she liked.
They hit it off, so I went looking around for my prey… lol I was trying to
think about what Hania told me, how I don’t really smile, which kind of
portraits an unhappy aura upon myself. So I thought for experiment’s sake
I’d try and “look” happier *roll eyes*
The psychoanalysis going through my mind, to look happier is to smile more,
to laugh, give out a confident look like your on top of the world and be more
responsive of other people’s actions. I set myself into this frame of mind and begun
my experiment. I started dancing in the main room, where they were playing the “norm” type
music, although I do enjoy dancing to music with a great beat it does put me
off dancing to music created by the brilliant geniusesin
the record industry. I do get amused though, to see this sheep-like cultural, “what
we bring out you have to listen to”, “what we advertise you have
to buy” or the classic “what’s on the news is always true”.
I know this might seem somewhat in the paranoia spectrum and sometimes I get
told I shouldn’t look into things so deeply. I guess that’s just
my personality, red-fierily-passion with splash of soft-hearted-cute-lovingness,
I’m a prime explain of what is contradictive or what is balance maybe…?
I hardly like the phrase “ignorance is bless” though. For I believe
the uncultured eyes of a young child is the gateway to what is the pure truth.
For they haven’t gone through years and years of mental as well as physical
change, and their view on what the world consists is more pure as a matter. This
can although be argued upon the fact that some parents might infuse their kids
with their own thoughts/pain/their-insights. I wonder now though, why do I so
passionately seek for the truth? I’m like a Mulder or something; maybe
I should join the FBI and set myself up in the basement (just a thought), always
did like solving mysterious, it’ll give me a story to tell everyday.
You never how life will steer…

So back to my experiment at the club, I noticed this girl smile at me; I didn’t
make a move until she looked back at me again to reconfirm her interest. I
approached her, I think she drunk as she held my hand, and I asked her name
and wanted to know whether she’d like to dance. She was a teaser as she
hugged her friend and they both said that they were lesbians in a cheeky way.
I left it at that and went down stairs to the “Dance” room. I noticed
this bright-eyed girl smiling at me, but again my logical side told me to wait
until she reconfirmed her interest in me. She noticed that I smiled back at
her and she whispered in her friend’s ear. So I gently walked up to her,
tapping on her bare shoulder and asking her name and so on… We started dancing,
I noticed she couldn’t stop smiling. She seemed a bit nervous though;
as I saw her dance patterns weren’t at ease. The conversation was choppy,
I never like having choppy conversation with people, where you ask a question
get a sharp/quick response and then get back to doing what you were doing before,
i.e. dancing. This choppy conversation went on for a bit, until I asked whether
she had a boyfriend or not? She said she did, therefore an honest person and
I only realised afterwards she was too shy to ask me to leave. She did waver
at her friends and told me they were single, I replied with “but I like
you best”. I realised this wasn’t going anywhere, so I told her
I have to go look for my friend, kissing her ever so lightly on the left cheek,
as a polite gesture for her not being rude to me. I made my way upstairs again
to the main dance floor. I noticed this girl turn around and smile at me, so
I said hello and asked her name. She replied somewhat rudely “does it
matter?” as if this was a whore house and I was just looking for someone
to drag and knock up… It’s hardly what I’d call a night of excitement/passion.
I think connecting with a girl on deep levels gets my heart going more than
anything. Those are the kind things just make wanna jump on her! Lol I guess
I don’t like think I’ve wasted all my effort on a girl who wasn’t
right for me in the beginning, basically I’d rather be in a relationship
than have random dates. I guess with everyone girl I date I’d like to
try my best to develop it into something longing, something to remember by.

I eventually got tired and decided to go home, I took Hania to the bus stop
but it pissed me off as I just walked into Regent’s Street I saw my 94
bus just turn the corner into the Oxford Street, and I knew there wouldn’t
be another bus stop for about 400m. No way I could run 400m in less than 20seconds…
Oh well… I walked to the nearest bus stop and came across a billboard for
a new Ted Barker store, one about “why did the chicken cross the road?” However
I was much more interested in the passers by. I like to observe how people
react with each other as per usual. It was quite a chilly night, the air was
filled with noises all around me. It was 3am! That’s London for you,
especially on a Friday night. I found it strange though, I only managed to
come across maximum 3 or 4 drunk people simply because you hear all the binge
drinking going on in the city, but you hardly see them in central, I guess
its more controlled than other areas. As a whisker of danger will bring fore
the pigs in their white and blue shinny cars, rushing around in and out of
cars. They must love the speed the rush the excitement, as I sure wouldn’t
mind being in a police car going 80mph down a normal road!

Back to my experiment, it all went well. I gathered a lot of information tonight
and will use it appropriately to further develop my experiment. Hania wanted
to go out on the Saturday too; I was at one of my mum’s friend’s
dinner when she called me. We talked for a swift a minute or two before I said
yes. I wasn’t gonna say no, was I now? I’d prefer going out than
being in the entrapment of my room, for the loneliness does hurt… We went
to, guess where? Tiger Tiger of course! Yey! Another night, another time for
seeing familiar faces as I glanced across the sardine-packed room. The usual
transsexual dancing like she’s in a trance, arms waving and not a care
in the world. The Spanish looking girl spreading herself onto those guys who
liked butter being rammed into their mouths. There seemed to be a lot of hen
nights, as I saw the flashing horns of the devil creep up on top of this pretty
tall Indian girl, who gathered with her friends for a good night out. I’m
thinking now, am I really a fussy guy when it comes to selecting women? I think
I’m much more fussy when it comes to personality, I’d say looks
covered 30% to 40% of my attraction pole. There really has to be something
different about her for me to go “ooo I’ll go talk to her”,
the crappy experiment isn’t really me. Not many people realise that I
am a get-to-know-you-better kind of guy and I smile when people say this about
me. This time around my experiment on this packed Saturday didn’t go
well, I noticed one or two girls who seemed approachable/attractive, but I
noticed my timing was wrong, as a flutter of guys came upon, just as I was
to approach. You may think, “God Hal’s such a loser for thinking
of such shallow superficial things such as timing or approaching a girl, sometimes
it happens sometimes it doesn’t!” and I completely understand this,
do remember this is a cynical experiment, just to try to understand on how
I can improve on my shy idealism, how I shouldn’t let a keeper go too
quickly.

My emotions were running pretty high this month, as the attention of many
girls came together ever so strangely. It’s weird, how it happens, one minute
your not attractive “material”, not even good enough for a conversation,
the next minute you get whisked into random conversations and women start double
taking at me. It does make me laugh though, that exact moment you realise,
(how annoying that word doesn’t know my nationality as I set it hundreds
of times, its realise not realize you stupid computer! If Catherine saw this,
she’d be laughing out “haha damn macs!”) you don’t care anymore
about finding someone, that’s when all the attention gathers onto you. I think “where
were you when I wanted to hugged and loved?” Love does like to play tricks
on the human mind. They say it’s the vibes you emit that really attracts the
attention, and I guess I have been acting more confident lately, more in a
sense of I’d like to be.

Now comes to my recent weekend. I noticed on the Thursday before this “weekend” this
amusing old guy, who seemed to have a heart full of joy (and all the best to
him) was singing YMCA song constantly through the station as he climbed up
the stairs. I saw him again walking along Staines High Road, singing the same
song! A work mate told me, he once came in with topless photos of his wife,
who freshly had her breasts enlarged. Now I knew why he was smiling and singing
all day!

So as Friday night closed upon me, the Saturday I had to go to work, but to
my joy the trains weren’t working from Richmond to Virginia Waters which
happened to include Staines! I did ask whether another route was possible,
but it involved taking a bus at Hounslow station, which I really couldn’t
be bothered and was dying to find an excuse not to go to work. So it was perfect!
I took the District line back to Turnham Green station, and on the train this
busker leaped into action with his trusty guitar. I thought “oh no”,
as I glanced upon his comic-like face, a smile appeared on me. It unusual though,
as I was the first one to smile and start laughing as he was ruining a old
yet classic song, I found out other people joined in the amusement, so I wasn’t
the only one to find it funny. As he finished the song, I spoke quite loudly
so the people around me could hear, “you ruined a classic, so you ain’t
getting any money from me”. I saw a cluster of smiles from people all
around me. As my station came by, I said “thank God its my stop…” Oh
aren’t I the terrible one… eh?

I met the sweet Miss McHattie on Sunday; she needed to use my scanner, to scan
in some photos. She was amused at my Mac troubling me with such a simple task
as scanning, I tried to convince her it was the scanner software that was playing
up but her late bad experiences with using them “Macs” told her differently.

more to come tomorrow…

I’ve really and truly started to build myself from the ground up. What
I actually mean by this, is the fact that my confidence levels are gaining
more and stable increase rather than fluctuating from high’s to low’s.
I can seem to picture myself upon where I stand in this corrupt world. Getting
harder to trust people, finding out upon their true intentions is fragile matter.
The music I listen to, runs evil chills down my spine.

I began working in Snappy Snaps! Finally got myself another job. Only problem
is that it’s in Staines, which is quite far from where we’ll moving
to. The store is really fun, filled with good work mates, one of them, a cheeky
Italian lady from Rome. I knew it from her “snappiness” she was
definitely from the richer side of Italy. She is currently a photographer working
there, part time till 2pm as she has kids to look after. The other people three
people working there are, two Arabs who own the store and an old polish guy
with a stereotypical moustache. It’s actually refreshing to be working
in a place that my skills are put to good use. I feel happy to give advice
to customers but the constant supervision is pestering on my nerves. They tell
me how to do someone, I do it right but if someone makes a mistake the new
guy gets the blame. Just shows what those people are made of, they really know
how to make people feel comfortable. I didn’t really care about their
sly remarks; carrying on with the duties I was given. Their way of working
is very bizarre though, as I think its better to complete one task at a time
so you don’t lose focus on that task. While they believe you should go
around doing everything at the same time, but I do believe this leads to an
air of confusion around the store. Everyone should be given their set tasks,
upon completion be ok if they go help around. Nothings perfect to my liking
is it now.

My days so far have been really content, getting over the bad side of my flux
is a warm welcome. This strange flux puts me into the deep end of unexplainable
phenomena, where making things just is far beyond my understanding. I didn’t
know what it was, but I was simply walking down the road, just after crossing
South Acton Station. That moment a surge of bright yellow surging from the
sun pumped into my body. It was very unusual to say the least. Yet put a smile
on my face. I think maybe it might of been the fact that I was contemplating
about pride getting in the way of my emotions. For being proud does really
put a strain on one’s existence, to enjoy life and not feel so annoyingly lonely.
The fine balance of sensitivity vs. confidence comes into question again. The
fine-edged sword metaphor is what I need to gain, for the stubborn bull and
liquid waterman of mine to come together in peace rather than conflict.

I do love to observe people’s actions and as a conclusion my mind seems to
cater for their views and opinions. Like Catherine said to me one day, a Chameleon
(more about her later)… However, I question myself could this be the way
to live life? Constantly adopting myself like water into any container? By
putting my morals and standards of life into the spotlight of delusion, I’m
certainly contradicting myself. I seem to make a habit of being overly “two-faced” sometimes,
but on the positive note, my words are increasingly becoming straighter. The
complexity that is so tightly woven into my mind, is far from resolved and
yet the complexity brings somewhat a sense of harmony along with my neurological
decisions in life. The bull (Taurus) and waterman (Aquarius), are faced with
another partner the lion (Leo), who radiates pure confident, pure power, pure
heart. This lion inside me tries to conflict against the actions of those two
by emphasizing on pride and power. Luckily the Gemini inside me, is worldly
wise, the peacemaker, and brings harmony through the common sense that emits
from the bull, the abstraction inside the waterman, and the confidence from
the lion. What is also done is the Gemini makes sure that the adventure-lover
inside me (Sagittarius) doesn’t go over the top and makes sure to settle, as
the bull likes to eat his food slowly and do things with precision. All of
this calls for one interesting cocktail of unconventional flavours…

Now to side step a bit, where I’ll talk about my past two week’s encounters.
I talked to Hania about the fact I don’t like my kindness to be abused by people,
and that I don’t like to be used. She took it rather well actually, which cleared
the air for us now. We then decided to go out to a club called “On Anon”,
never heard of it, but I thought why not! On that Friday, we also decided to
go out shopping in Oxford Street, I brought myself a nice brown shirt and brown
sweater, lol its brown season for me! I was waiting just outside Zara for Hania
when this spanish girl walked into the store with her family, (well i think
she was Spanish, she might of been turkish from what her dad looked like).
She was quite short even for me, but had a nice cat look to her, which I did
like indeed. I’m not one to approach random people in shops or streets, so
eye contact was all we were gonna have. What made me smile, was that when she
left Zara, I looked deep into her eyes and she gave me a “your fit” smile.
And then strangely, decided to show off the tattoo on her back by lifting up
her sweater, slowly walking away, so I could get a good at it. And she decided
to come back into the store, I guess to see whether I’d make an approach to
her or maybe to try on that coat she liked. When Hania and I came out of Topshop,
which was before we went into Zara, which I should of explained before explaining
that moment at Zara, but I guess I couldn’t wait to write it down. lol Well
back to this scene in Topshop, we both decided to go to On Anon on Saturday
as Hania was feeling quite tried, I said “sure, don’t mind, cos
I’m feeling tried myself”. On that Saturday, I went to cinema with David,
Oliver and his girlfriend. I noticed a bit of complexity inside this girl’s
eyes, I could see the emotional instability pulse inside her. I didn’t catch
her, but she was doing some finical course in reading, where Oliver met her.
She seemed rather quiet and calculating. Oliver was being nice by making conversation,
something he usually doesn’t venture into so often. The film we saw was “Hero“,
a beautiful created film but with a lack of basic plot and storyline. The whole
film was riddled with unusual character development, where Jet Li switched
from being good then to bad then back to good. I was glad they made they sure
the same scenes with different character development had different colours.
The plot kind of reveled what the director was trying to bring out. I understood
to some degree that it was emphasized on “knowing when to stop”,
as the true master always does. I can’t be bothered to explain the whole story,
so go find out on the net, lol… sorry

The rest of that week was in the cold and lonely Oasis Health Centre, as people
walked past, I couldn’t help but notice that none of them were walking in.
One or two curious noses were sniffing around and seeing what’s on offer. Although
the first day I spent there was sooo amazingly boring, thank God I had my Godfather
book, as I’d of gone insane lol. But this week, I was just watching movies
on my laptop and creating that website for Della. She wants a fashion website
up for all her clothes and jewellery that she makes. She was although surprised
that I was gonna charge her £250 for the work, but I knew professionally,
what she asked for would of cost around £1000, so my price doesn’t seem
all that selfish now doesn’t it…? Now we get onto the interesting part, I
recently started speaking to Catherine, a girl I met on hotornot.com. On our
first MSN conversation, she didn’t seem too interested in talking so I left
it at that. However, the other day I saw her online and decided to say hello.
We started talking, and our first few midnight conversations were very mind
stimulating (as I like to call it). We have a lot of common interests and are
thoughts are somewhat in sync. Our love for photography and poetry, but what
is different with her, is that I can actually share my interests with someone
as good maybe even better as me in these fields. Women being clever intimidate
many guys, but I actually like that. Means I connect on deeper levels… Yet
that all depends on the girl, I don’t find Hania to be very deep of a person
even though she is quite intelligent, but I do with Nadean, Claudia and Catherine.
All of them very strong-minded girls. Nadean and Catherine being more reasonable
than Claudia might be.

Anyway, Catherine and I decided to meet up on Saturday to go to Portobello
Market in Notting Hill Gate. I was quite nervous thinking about it, as she
was taller than me. It wasn’t the fact that I was shallow and didn’t
want a girl to be bigger than me, but of the fact that I might not be accepted
by her cos of my height. It’s a really sensitive issue to me actually;
I completely happy with everything else about me expect my height. It comes
to a point where I’m compulsively checking out my height against famous
people or people I see on the streets. I have this mindset where a girl won’t
like me if I’m short, which I am sadly. I do accept it, I just wonder
if the people around me accept me for it too…? I know I shouldn’t waste
my time worrying about such trivial things, but I know people are quite superficial
nowadays, wanting to achieve physical perfection rather than mental perfection,
which I’m striving to get near enough in this lifetime. Yeah so back
to this meeting, on the day before, Hania and I decided meet up again and go
to “Tiger Tiger” a club in central London. We queued up and I was
asked whether I was 21 or not… Lol was this a ridiculous question! Never
in my life have I been asked of my true age, and when I was 21 they questioned
it. Yet when I was 16 I was happily let into a club… How life plays tricks
on you… I’ll make sure to bring my ID next time eh. The club was really
big, with modern-style decorations, and lots of people. But I guess who wouldn’t
go into a club that was free to get into lol. The drinks were expensive, the
girls were ok, one or two pretty ones that caught my eye, and a transsexual
dancing like she was in a gatecrasher concert. There was this guy who liked
Hania, he seemed quite sweet and funny, he wanted to ask her to dance, and
for a joke I said “you wanna dance with me?” lol I saw the bizarre
look in his eyes, but I clearly mentioned that I was just “joking”.
We stumbled upon Hania’s ex Saeed. A perish guy, who she went out with
for a couple of months. They had a strange relationship, and it opened up my
eyes to how wonderful and rich my past relationships were. They were constantly
in confusion and misinterpreted each other. She kept saying that she didn’t
know he stopped talking to her, and she done nothing wrong in the relationship.
I decided to keep my mouth shut, as if I were Saeed I’d of dumped her
real quick, even the intelligent paranoid Vicky wasn’t as bad as her.
Hania’s pride seems to get in the way of giving out her real emotions,
I guess she fears rejection, or maybe she’s just a cold fish? I don’t
really see the latter a possibility, as her Venus sign is Gemini, and they
are most of the time aiming for spiritual connectivity. Yeah, so his guy at
the club, who asked her to dance, he had a friend with him. I forgot her name
it was something like Liz, as I decided to talk with her while those “two” get
to know each other better on the dance floor. The girl given to me to talk
to was 27 and married. So I thought maybe my animal interactions with the female
kind are to be spared this time around, maybe for something better?

I took Hania to the bus stop and made sure she got on safely. While I was
walking to the bus stop, I could see the unlucky 94 bus creep around the Regent’s
Street into Oxford Street. Even with my legs I couldn’t see myself catching
that bus, as it accelerated towards the next far-away stop. So another bleak
time of waiting for the bloody bus, but I did meet Mya my cousin “kind
of” through some unusual connection upon my uncle’s marriage. She
also just came out of a club with a “friend” of hers. She’s
a sly one, we share similar star signs as well, but I knew before when she
was showing all these guys text messages, it was only really to try to impress
me. I wonder why people act so strangely, as I’m not easily impressed
by such low implications of progression in life. I may act enlightened with
such “wonderful” news, but simply to satisfy their egos. What really
impresses me is how a person can capture a true form of life’s emotions.
Such as a photograph or something literature, although I must say an act of
love or loyalty does melt my heart. As I’ve always had to “make” the “effort” to
progress the relationship, and yet that progress of mine seems to be overly
powerful for them to grip onto, as both of my ex’s were somewhat control
freaks in one way or another. The best thing I’ve done is to learn from
them, and apply your newfound knowledge into the next relationship but using
a fresh piece of paper, metaphorically speaking.

I also meet Thambir, the now big-shot club promoter, and its weird how people
change. Thambir and I have been “friends” for around 10 years now,
and I remember us having big arguments about silly stuff such as video games.
I also remember nearly twisting his arm off cos of my uncontrollable rage.
I do however remember how good he was at connecting to people, the Cancer inside
me really shone out when it came to that. He was with his girlfriend, a red-cheeked
freckled girl with a glowing smile. Our conversation was minimal; one thing
I noticed though, was he was asking how my “family” was doing.
That caught me off guard, as he never seemed interested in issues such as that.
Maybe he was trying to be nicer? Who knows…?

I got home around 4am and lucky Catherine wanted to meet up a bit later as
she went out as well. We decided to meet up at 10am instead of the earlier
planned 9:15am lol such precision. I got to Notting Hill Gate station a bit
late, but I noticed that Catherine wasn’t there. I was patiently, waiting,
looking through hundreds of people coming out of the station. I went out of
the station making sure she wasn’t out there waiting for me. It was something
like 10:25am when I thought, “oh man! I bet she saw me and ran away…”.
But I wanted to go to that Portobello Market anyway, so I made my way following
the crowd into the never-been-to streets. Then I felt my coat pocket jump in
excitement, I notice its from Catherine, saying that she’s at the station.
I go down the stairs, and notice a girl dressed in a full body leather jacket.
I casually walk up to her, not saying a word, just walking by her, wondering
when she’ll take notice. I shake her hand and a quick peck on the cheek.
She went quite red at the time, probably surprised by how much “shorter” I
was lol. We made our way towards the market; I could feel the raindrops drip
over my head, as Catherine was excited about seeing handbags. It made me smile
to see such enthusiasm in a person, a strong character surely indeed. For you
see, meeting a person for the first time, I always fear their reaction of how
they’ll perceive me. My combined random/unconventional/childish/mature
ways of thinking can stifle some people, and therefore sometimes I choose to
be quieter than I usually am. It really depends on the person, for this time
I choose to allow the very talkative Catherine to talk all she wants. For a
good talker knows when to listen and observe what’s happening, to make
good use of the information coming his/her way. I really liked her accent;
it was unusual combination of mostly American, Kiwi and some English. One thing
that I loved was the ice-blue colour of her eyes; they could really pierce
through someone. She is quite the attractive girl. Yet I think a staring competition
with her would be quite hard to win!

This Catherine girl is really into her Goth and Victorian, both related to
very dark eras. I’ve always had an instinctive association with the Victorian
age, where many a time I’ve started talking the way they did, as it seemed
nature for me to do so. We really got talking more intimately when we
sat down in a pub, to have some lunch. She wanted some potato wedges; they
seemed good so I ordered them as well. She gave me a £20 note, I decided
to be cheeky and pay for it myself and I gave her the money back, saying, “The
bar tender thought you were cute…” I remember saying “oh you
look much better than in your photos” to her when we were walking up
the stairs from the tube station, which wasn’t too nice. I tried to get
out of it by saying it was a negative compliment, but it was really only intended
to do good. I give compliments when I see someone that deserves it. We had
a good chat about boyfriends, girlfriends, sex, life, and her temper lol, which
I found somewhat a turn-on. I guess I don’t like girls who weep in the
corner when it’s not necessary. But her temper doesn’t really imply
that doesn’t now? Strange way of thinking Hal… On the issue of sex,
I don’t really like to boast about my skills, for that’s the lady
to judge and vice versa, but she did bring up that she was stated as good in
bed, as result I felt I had to let her know what I was capable of too… We
finished our lunches and made a swift walk to the train station, she give a
quick kiss on the check, which made a mwah” sound. Emphasizing
that she might of enjoyed her time with me. I went home and just relaxed the
whole of the day. I did look at her photo gallery today, and found one amusing
photo I love contradictive photos. It was a photo of her with an evil look
on her face, staring deep into the camera’s lens, but in the background
you could see some fluffy toys, which did make me smile. My head really hurts
right now; I don’t know just feels like the bones in my face are frozen.
I’ve had this before, it’s the after effects of a cold I think
or the beginning…? Who knows? All that I know is that it hurts…

That Scottish lass Nadean and I have been getting closer, I think she needs
someone to hold and to feel loved, choosing me is only obvious. As I’m
an openhearted person but what can really blossom out of the Internet? Especially
when we live so far away and when one person feels lonely, I could never start
a relationship on bad terms, not after my first one. I learnt my lesson well…
What has annoyed was that I was supposed to go to Scotland to meet up with
her and stay for a couple of days, as I’ve never seen Edinburgh. But
she doesn’t seem too interested in finding out if she can get her holiday
leave. I won’t ask her about it again…

You contemplate about the many ways life can change your views on so many
stereotypes set in your mind since an early, through television shows and whatever
kind of media that can be affixed into your vision. I do find it annoying that
life has come into this era, ever since clever people such as Hitler draw its
power into their hands, its ever since been used to œbrainwash our
lives. We are far from knowing what the world really is, maybe a little bit
of ignorance goes well, for the complexity in our lives does arrange a variety
of mental as well as physical problems. People try to fit so much into their
lives, with the amount of choice we are given it’s hardly possible to
complete all of them. I believe life goes well with a pinch of simplicity and
adventure. Just to take in what life itself already consists of should actually
amaze us all, yet most of us are clearly desensitized by the amount of choices
and wanting to live the million-dollar dream. I think such ambitious goals
need step-by-step thinking, yet I was reading the newspaper today and they
said most people are quite content with earning a mere £37,000 per year
and the truth high earnings are the ones day-dreaming about all the money they
want to make. Yet I think if they spend so much time thinking (day-dreaming)
away, how can they earn this so-called high salary they desire
in their thoughts. Its bit contradictive, but most things psychologist believe
in or say are contradictive in nature. It makes me laugh to hear their unusual
tests and questionnaires that somehow reveal the truth inside
the human mind, what complete bullshit I think. No way in hell, they can figure
out the majority way of thinking¦

I had a really boring day at work, nothing but my movies and book to entertain
me. I think I really don’t like sitting around and doing nothing, I’m
more of a doer rather then a thinker, yet sometimes I can be extremely lazy¦ so
I’m no better than those awful psychologists I guess! lol

I did indeed get that job at the Health centre, rather than being an Herbal
store. The first day was really boring, felt like trapping a bee into a jar.
I’m one to get bored really easy sometimes, and yet other time I’m
one to be content with the surroundings that are presented to me. The complexity
of my mind even confuses me, but I try to stay logical, focusing on the straight.
While strangely the emotions I emit are much like valleys and peaks, some days
I’ll be extremely happy and some days I’ll be quite moody and sulky (as I get told many times). I think its whether I get my own way or not that defines
my mood for the day, it’s strange, as my mind seems to take shape to
many different kinds. Let me try to explain this, as I believe I little of
most personalities that exist, where I can relate myself to other people’s
actions or emotions. For example, if something bad happens to a loved one then
I wont be able to eat or think clearly. It’s a really bad thing actually,
but whatever has influenced me in a negative manner constantly loops around
inside my head. Another example, I can be quite cynical (with a hint of reasonability)
when I need to judgment something or help someone pick path for a decision.
Yet I also have this imaginative side that doesn’t agree with my cynical/logical
side. Maybe conflict occurs from this? I don’t know but whatever it does,
I believe to be much in balance. Another example actually, would be the fact
that I love dark and mysterious things, I love exploring and finding out the
unknown, even stretches as far as that I love weird mind-boggling films. I
was watching Donnie Darko today, and the whole evil “rabbit” concept
really did incite my mysterious-loving nature. The whole aspect of time travel
and leaving the viewer completely confused and wondering what the film was
about just puts a big massive smile on me! I think I am one who likes to use
one’s imagination.

I actually decided to go and visit Nadean, finally getting some money into
my bank account, so I’m gonna take the plane to Edinburgh sometime in
October, that’s once I get my first week’s wage. It’ll only
be £55 to get there by easyjet, so not bad I think especially since the
train journey (if I went to by train) would take little over 5hours while the
plane will be a lovely-rosy 1hour!

You notice a lot of things in life, as you grow older with experience. The
key word being experience, is life itself just an experience for the soul to
venture upon?

And what does the soul gain from such deep-ended complexities of life?

I believe that anything that makes you feel emotional reaches you in a way
far more than you can believe. For the soul can be a sponge, soaking all that
it comes its way. Or maybe the soul could be like a rock, pushing everything
away from itself. However, what I said about experience being the soul’s
venture, so I can conclude that being a sponge is a better to live, experiencing
everything rather living in the darkness of this ever-changing planet. I truly
believe sensitivity integrated with confidence is the sword’s fine edge,
the true balance to life. Through sensitivity comes the will to understand
people and through confidence comes the power to do what is right inside the
heart. As I sit here completely absorbed in this song, I can feel tear drops
resting on my eyes. Although associated with pain, yet my tears this time are
of being overwhelmed by such a beautiful song. It makes me long for that one
true love of mine; heart beats stronger for you my soul mate, wherever you
may be, I search patiently for thou…

Oh love is such a powerful and amazing eternity, it can carve the way you
live the rest of your life, or make you loath everyone around you. I grow stronger
inside with every experience I gain from this daredevil “love”,
for it likes to play tricks on you and make you do things never thought possible.
I have to say though; it’s never good to defy love, as a backlash will
explode into your heart. The tears settle across my cheeks, as the song’s
repeated again and again… The ambient guitar stringing such strong emotions
inside me… Feelings that I can’t control

Lycris for “Into Dust” by Mazzy Star
Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
‘Till you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
‘Till my hand shook with the way I fear
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate
It was you breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust

You know, I can imagine being with the one I love, and staring into her amazing
eyes, and feeling the world fly by without a care in the world without taking
my eyes off her. The wind blowing across the hilltop, with a cheerful picnic
lay upon that chequered cloth we sit on, looking at her beautiful smile as
she flings her hair away from her face. I guess I’m thinking like this
is because I got this song from watching “The
O.C.”, and the chemistry
I saw between Ryan and Marissa, it makes me desire that kind
of magic so badly. I would have to say actually I kind of have a crush on her,
for her character seems so gentle and wonderful inside, and that is what I
truly want from a girl. Not forgetting her beauty eyes and amazing face, it
simply adds to my crush… lol What the heart wants the heart must get with
me… As my true colour test has told me, red is the colour
for me and for impulsive emotions/passion.

Let me explain how my month has gone now. I was feeling very lonely and really
felt like having a girlfriend or I guess just anyone I can spend my lonesome
time with. To see a smile or feel a hug would make me all the much better.
Strangely, I was walking down a road, listening to One Perfect Sunshine by
Orbital and it made me reason the true beauty of life. Being with someone is
only part of that beauty and for now I believe I don’t really need that
luxury. It’s time to build myself up from the ground up, so I can focus
more on my career which I believe is more important at the moment, for finding
my true love will be only a matter of time for me.

I’ve been spending more time with Nadean, as a consequence feeling closer
to her. When I think about it really, we have been good friends for nearly
3 years now! It makes me smile and feel good inside to have met her. I do have
to confess though, I have been having sexual thoughts about her, I won’t
say anything more… lol I’ve loved to go and visit her, but money is
so short right now for me, and since I find it difficult to save money I don’t
think I’ll be making that journey till I get a job. It’d be nice
to see her and cuddle up in front of a TV and do normal stuff with someone.
I absolutely love sleepovers! Don’t ask me why! Some things are too complex
to explain lol, only joking. I think why I like them so much is because it’s
like holding on to that piece of child inside me. And everyone knows that I
am kid at heart, and all I really want to do is have a good time, no matter
where I am (well apart from funerals and stuff, I’m not that cruel…).
I just think its more important being positive and cheerful in life than being
all-serious about stuff. I know its essential to be mature in life too, but
most of the time it’s better to be open minded and positive, like a free
sprit wishing happiness upon everyone and without a care in the world.

I met Vicky again, and to my shock I don’t plan on talking to her or
visiting her again. As I realised she isn’t the person I went out with,
she changed a lot, although change can be good for some, I don’t think
its good for her. She started smoking and drinking a lot, I’m not a complete
prude, I think its alright to have fun drinking, but making it a habit isn’t
healthy for you both physically and mentally. And anyway, I don’t see
how they can’t see how much other aspects of life are…! Back to Vicky,
as I always go off the topic, one thing she didn’t like about me, yet
she thinks its cute with her hairdressing boyfriend, the one and only dealer…
Yes to my surprise she doesn’t even mind that he deals. His excuse is
that he needs the extra £25,000 per year to “live”. That’s
one thing I can’t stand, is that people fall short of their own standards
in life, they squeeze themselves into a putty ball, where anyone can shape
the way they like. But I guess after our relationship ended she needed someone
to support her in this moment of heartbreak. Her family isn’t the most
supportive, so who does she run to? The guys of course…

I also disappointed with Hanna, her constant need for attention is kind of
contradictive, (fucking annoying insects in my room! God I hate them! Sorry
lol) simply because of her confidence level. She knows what she wants and she
surely has the intelligence to get there. And yet, she decides to go out with
guys even though she has a boyfriend! One thing I hate is cheaters… I despise
them and loathe them greatly with fiery passion!!! One thing that I can’t
stand is someone being heartbroken because they have been cheated on, one of
the worst feelings you have experience. Never happened to me though, yet the
empathy inside shows me the path of such pain. She basically told me today
about this guy “Jason” she went out with. She eagerly phoned me
from her workplace to tell me this “happy happy!” news. I was wondering
to myself, I knew she would meet up with this guy and she kept coming up excuses
to why her current boyfriend wasn’t good enough for her. And then when
she went out with that Jason, she found out he only wanted to sleep with her.
She “suddenly” praised her current boyfriend, what a poor fool
he is, thank God nothing happened between us, as I’d just get myself
into another crazy relationship. So maybe my love life is on the venue of a
change? I hope so! I want to meet those nice girls I keep hearing about…
I’ve got a job interview for this herbal shop *fingers crossed*, its
pretty crappy pay though, at least its something eh! Well its pretty late nearly
2am, I am signing off.

What a big month I’ve had…

I’ll start from the beginning. It was a nice sunlight afternoon, and I was quietly writing some PHP code for my website. When I checked my emails and saw one email from my cousin Hogir. He was asking me to help him out, because his girlfriend Nathalia needed a place to stay for a couple of days until she could find a place of her own. What seemed to be a simple stay at our house turned into a cocktail of laughs and lies.

My cousin’s girlfriend seemed somewhat reserved upon our first meeting last year, however all the real thrones pricked out of this girl as she came to our house. I noticed very little details about her behaviour, even though people do say that I sometimes over-emphasise on minor-useless details of a person’s actions. I believe more and more now that I can sense a person’s purity through their eyes and the minor behavioural patterns.

Back to these little details I noticed about Nathalia, the first day we ate, I saw that she didn’t pick up her own plates and wasn’t inclined to clean the dishes either. As her boyish voice also ripped through our rooms when someone would call her. Her tendency to express herself in a nagging or goat-like manner did drill through my head a lot of the times, showing her inconsistently to care about other people.

I have to say though, what did annoy me the most about her “week” stay at our place, was her constant need to talk about anything, everywhere and anywhere. She must have mentioned her rainbow-coloured toe-separating socks at least 10 times… Her cowpat smelling tea, which apparently by what she said made her lose weight. What made matters worse was that she invited a friend over on the “thought” that they would stay over at someone else’s place when her friend came to London. Now this girl Hania, brought two massive suitcases (both weighing little over 80KG) with her… And it had to be on the hottest day so far… Everyone also knows travelling through london via the tube is a nightmare on boiling days let alone having to carry those suitcases. I must be on some mad power trip, as I managed to carry those two huge and heavy suitcases up and down at least 3 different stations till we got to Bayswater station. There we met up with Nathalia at the cafe she worked at. It was good to have a break and settle my body with a cool drink. Then I discovered that the guy Nathalia was staying at wasn’t home so Hania couldn’t leave her stuff there because he was having divorce problems and couldn’t come home till 11pm. And I being the “strategically” thoughtful guy, thought it wasn’t right for two girls to stay in London alone till that time of night. So I decided they both come back to mine, to have a shower and a rest. Hania and me then went out and we got to know each other a bit more.

She seemed like an intelligent woman, one who had her head sorted out. Yet I was to find out that she had been through many a problem. She has this unusual look to her, one that felt mysterious and magnetic in nature. Her slim figure also looks quite natural somewhat like Megan’s.

We decided to take a trip to central London, as I brought a one day travel card and thought it would be good of me to use it to its full extent. I told Hania the bus we took would be the best way (cost-wise) to get to central London. As the bus take us around the first couple of corners, the raindrops begun to drip onto the scratched windscreen. The first day was a little unsettling, for both of us conventionally being Gemini in Venus making all the more, as we begin to adjust our powerful weapons of conversation in favour of each other. I thought it would be best we go to a cafe and sit till the rain died down as we walked the streets of Trifulgular Square. We talked about many things, and I felt more comfortable with her. I began to adjust my sense of humour to con inside with hers, while she done the same with mine. I think we connected in a great way, yet my fears of being attracted to another emotionally complex woman did run through my mind. As I eventually find out, she was so, yet her honestly and fun-loving nature did make things more smooth to take in. Yet I believe her complexity arrived from many a problems with her “unusual” ex’s, being jealous and aggressive boyfriends. They tinted her view on life and mistrusting people came second nature to her. While the nice boyfriends in her life came at the stage where it wasn’t mentally possible to start a relationship.

However, I learnt a big lesson from my last relationship, that bringing unusually complex women into my life never fills that much needed adventure that I constantly crave for. So I changed my state of mind about my feelings towards Hania, and thought it was best for me right now to think of her as only a friend. Not only because her emotional depth but also because when we went clubbing this guy asked her out and I felt a little upset with that, as there was a pretty girl who was trying to grab my attention. I guess I learned that you shouldn’t skip on an oppounity when only an illusion of the mind exists about someone else.

I can’t deny the fact that I have been feeling more lonely day-by-day, I miss the simple things of being with a girl. Like holding hands, hugging and looking over at someone knowing she likes you. I can’t be weak about issues such like this, I have to get on with my life and build a secure foundation for myself before I begin to search for that special one in my life.

I have been getting a bit flirty with Nadean lately, it always nice to be cheeky with her, she never over reacts and it always makes her laugh. I saw a recent picture of Nadean and it was good to see her most recent form. I sometimes think about what it would be like for us to meet up and what would do or say. I truly Nadean and I would have a great time together, we both enjoy similar things and we both trust each other. It does however make me sad when we can’t speak on the phone yet, as she sent me a voice recording before, yet she mentioned that her real voice wasn’t like that.

My cousins from the oh-so boring land of Germany, decided to give us a visit. I thought it would be good to see them. I wasn’t surprised that Hogir would come and visit his annoying-neurotic-neverending girlfriend. The thought of her goat voice still sends shivers down me… So back to the cousins from boring land. My uncle Saman, went to pick them up, they arrived at a dull time of 6am. And only staying for 6 days from the 29th of July till the 3rd of August. Now I was really excited to see them, and I felt straight away after I heard they were going to central London with my uncle. And then when I saw them, only Rohannd actually came up to and give me a hug. Berivan and Viyan didn’t even bother coming up to and I was quite surprised to see the change of mood in their eyes when I came, like sitting on a cold wet rock feeling the arctic wind brush against your body. I knew something was wrong and I knew that it was to do that with bitch Nathalia… I serious I had enough of them after what happened when they came to my house. I noticed that Viyan once again was acting soo weird and wasn’t making conversation at all. When I was with them in the living room, Viyan then decided to go into my room and asked whether she could use my computer for the internet. Of course I said “yes”, and then off went her little lapdogs Berivan and Hogir into my room. I was watching “I,Robot” at the time and had no intentions of turning off the movie to follow in their brainwashed footsteps.

I wondered a lot about Viyan’s behavior towards me, as I can somewhat sense people’s emotions through my hyper-sensitivity/empathy. I noticed a burning rage of hot fire inside Viyan’s eyes when she saw that Hania left my bedroom in the rooming. I guess thoughts of us having sex went through her mind. And I knew she would think this, thats why I didn’t tell Hania to leave for the 2 days they were staying at our house. Because her muslim-like fundamentalist views annoyed me and I wanted to defy them at all costs. I know people naturally think that if a girl and guy sleep in the same room everyone believes that they are sleeping together. And yet this was completely untrue with Hania and I, when in fact we were acting like little kids at night and making funny noises. I must say it has been nice to have met someone who likes to go out and mess around, be free and not care so much about people’s reaction to our actions. As I remember I always tried to be myself around Megan, you know being silly and making funny accents, but she was embarrassed about this, I guess she wanted a guy to show off and be proud of rather then laugh with… It feels good though to meet so many different and interesting people from all around the world, and in someway and somehow they manage to influence my life for the better, teaching new things along the way…

Contemplating over my past week and many unsurprising events occur in my life. Yet I ask myself why is all the hardship of life deploying its powers onto me? Or maybe this might a selfish view of my life, as other people out there are much less fortunate than I. Thus far my vanity hasn’t escaped my grasp and it continues to play somewhat a more subordinate part of my life right now. Even though I do enjoy looking at myself in the mirror, yet this role does not seem to be passed out to the real world, quietly keeping itself alive. As the lessons in life have taught me to escape from expressing an overdose of self-confidence. For people’s reactions have hardly been good towards seeing such expressiveness being displayed in front of their eyes.

The Kurdish girl seems to be unusual in her thinking patterns and emotions. She aims for maximum fulfilment of love, yet such irregular behaviours and misuse of emotions can lead her into feeling empty. She does open a new light to me, showing me that being complex and unpredictable can be a flaw… And yet I think being unpredictable can have good sides too, and again a fine balance must be found. I must hold back on erratic speeches and emotions, while trying to channel these complex tangles of thoughts into more constructive forms. For now I think, that finding someone who is exactly like me may not actually be my soul mate… The crazy and wild nature that the Kurdish girl beholds shows me what other people might think of me. And I don’t like it one bit; slowing growing more conscious of my actions. As Vicky called me up on Sunday, we had a good chat, then as I muttered an unusual not so funny comment, which could have been left to the side of my mind, it folded the conversation into an air of tension. She wanted me to come over and stay at her place for the weekend to watch some movies together, then annoyingly towards the end of the conversation she withdrew her invite. It did piss me off when she talked about snogging/sleeping with other guys, as once again trying to use a form of jealously to draw me back into her life. Yet I never expected this from Vicky’s “nice” heart, but can you really know a person’s real intentions other then yours? A question that shall play a big role in my life for many years to come, well until I find my one and only partner for life. And sometimes your own intentions can be fooled into doing things you wouldn’t believe true.

Back to this very unusual Kurdish girl…
Now on Saturday night, she begin acting very weird and saying that she would try to kill herself because her life was empty and so on. Now I think she done this to be spiteful to me, as I said I am very clever at knowing when people start playing mind games with me. This really made her angry and she went off on a tangent, saying that she took so many pills and then her sister started typing saying that she was down on the floor, blood in her mouth, her face blue. I was somewhat scared and somewhat not quite believing it. As I explained this happening to David, he was completely sure that it was fake, telling me why would her sister to talk to me about what was happening with the Kurdish girl, when if it was real she would clearly be trying to help her out. And the next day, her sister saying she will be fine and for me not to worry. Turning more and more into a bluff. Yet strangely again, I am not mad at what she done, but rather more interested in her thoughts behind the whole dramatic episode she played out for me. One reason why could be the fact that she was crying out for some attention and love, as many people with such erratic patterns are clearing behaving this way to gain some kind of attention. So what can this mean for me? As I seem calm on the outside, yet erratic on the inside? Am I truly a troubled soul? I have my new goals to accomplish now, as my confidence has reached a good level and is surprising staying put. I shall work on my very spontaneous speeches…

I have made myself more than I really should be, as in I have channelled my intensity into the dark parts of my mind. As I have classified myself a complex human being, rather than what I am at heart, which is a simple and kind hearted person. Has the business world infused a harsh reality onto me? That kind of thought makes my heart quiver and shake in pain.

A reform needs to take place, I feel quite lonely right now at times. And hearing about people being coupled up doesn’t help my heart either. I should really take action but no one really interests, should I go for girls that don’t interest me? The sparkle that sets my heart off actually burns me, so better to start off with no flame and create it slowly like rubbing two sticks together. I think my biggest problem is that I just sit here and wait for something to happen, it’s this lazy Taurus thing that traps me most of the time. It’s confusing though, sometimes I believe I am good for anyone out there, but then I think, maybe no one actually likes me. I go up and down so many times, I just wish a nice and simple girl was out there for me; I would never try to mess that up with her. Well I hope not to mess it up; as if I concentrate too much on not messing it up then I couldn’t be myself. Feels like ages since I’ve gone out with someone, it kind of hurts that Vicky has gone out with other guys and the fact that she tells me these things.

I talked to Zoe about it, a really good friend of mine, who also has the same insecurities as me about people. So it’s nice to talk to her and explain all the little thoughts that go on in my head. It has helped me, and my conversation with her has made me that much happier!

I guess I need to find a girlfriend to be with, share moments with, enjoy life with. I want to find someone with my sense of humour though, so fingers crossed.

I cry again for Megan, as my heart is in pain thinking about her! This song playing rips through me and yet I listen evermore! I look at the pictures of us together, and reading her astrology profile. It brings tears to me seeing her gentle eyes in the photos, and how did I ruin something so precious to me? I remember spending my times in her room, waiting for her to come back from work. The first night we spent together plays again and again in my mind, looking into her eyes, hearing her say that she loved me. I thought I was over her, but I am merely delusional to my feelings and love for Megan. Why do I get these episodes of pain? I don’t understand love sometimes, I keep questioning my emotions for her, my love still burns brightly for her and I shan’t know what to do. I guess my way of dealing with it, is to let it follow and for the ache to set itself in me. It’s the only way I see fit for me right now.

I went out today with Claudia, we went to Whiteley’s shopping centre and I brought some lovely new black shoes! They look really nice, but they were a bit expensive for me right now as a broke unemployed student (God! What a crappy title I have right now). They were from Dune, the shoes that is! We had lunch at Whiteley’s as well, I choose some fish course, which in fact was really good. I had muscles, kind prawns and fish! I hate fish, so it was quite a shock that I actually liked it. Hopefully I’ll be rid of that thing I have against fish. We also had a lovely walk in Hype Park, although the weather wasn’t too pleasing our conversation was most delightful at times.

The memories of Vicky are starting to trickle down my mind into my heart, as I once thought I couldn’t be affected by the dread of love, I am proven wrong!

I don’t know, what made me think of her, maybe my empty conversations with the Kurdish girl leave me thinking of the past happiness that my mind tries to grip onto, as I lay here engulfed by the pitch black darkness of love. I try to stimulate my heart with music and other forms of amusement, and yet I still feel love burning itself across my chest. I miss her more now; the time we shared at the beginning was spot-on with what my ideal relationship would be like. You know, having fun, laughing all the time, understanding each other’s unusual behaviours, and feeling massive emotions while having sex. It was all somewhat magical, yet hurtful at the time. As the thoughts in her mind take control of her heart, and set about to destroy what purity we had between each other. Her past experiences couldn’t allow her to see the real truth in the friendships I had with other girls. I guess when you have something so special; you can find it quite hard to understand most things that aren’t in tune with your own thoughts. The true reality is twisted ten-fold by love!

I think about the times which I may have been bad to Vicky, just like with Megan and I can’t help but think about why I did this and that!? I’ve come to realise though that my own truth on reality is twisted by the subliminal stubborn thoughts inside me. Even though ironically I fight for the truth, I am bewildered by the ignorance set in my mind. I know have to come to new a stage in my life, where I am trying to accept other people’s view on difficult issues, and not trying to change people so they can fit into my life. For many a time I was using love to gain my advantage over a loved one, and for me to be like this rips a hole inside. But I think it’s a step in the right direction for me to convince myself of this problem.

The complexities of love rage through my body. I met that Kurdish girl again, where my perspectives have changed on her. I grow suspicious of her intentions and the way she thinks. Our main problem is the culture barrier; I don’t think we understand each other on a language level well enough right now. It took me being angry for her to meet up with me, which made me feel a bit petty and feed insecurities into my mind. I was a bit nervous meeting her again; I looked into her eyes and felt the craws grab hold of my mouth. She is quite the competitive, yet she apologies her mild interruptions during our conversations. She also has a razor-sharp edge way of thinking, her thoughts on other races does irate me. But why should I keep this to myself and let the nervous rattle against my bones. Lucky, meeting this girl has put fire into my soul, more than ever, has my nature competitiveness must be unreleased. As I must go for everything I can possibly grab my hands on, I must make a mark rather than gliding through poor superficial insecurities. Yet the need for love takes a tight grab on my heart, I shall not be consumed by it! I shall not! As I will not contact this Kurdish girl, this will in turn test her “true” interest in me, as a partner rather than husband material. For she needs to find someone by the end of next summer, she doesn’t care, kind of like a piece of meat, which does annoy me yet again about her thoughts.

And she was telling me about how she was the head of the council for the whole of westminster schools for two years now. And furthermore my readers, she told me that she was a writer and been writing a journal for 3 years now. She also told me how she was gonna get married to this rich model, who brought her a £55,000 ring for their engagement. Her words are twisted and coiled with lies I believe.It might be a very clever trap to put me under and grab me while I am insecure, as I have experienced this before. But not in such a clever manner, I should be more alert with her words. As I, the so called master of the mind, should follow my own words and sayings to the fullest extend to prove my theories right. Just small little lies can tell you about the complex structure of a human being. When we came back from the park, she said she had to go home and get dressed then go to hospital as one of her girls she was teaching in basketball practice broke her leg. I thought she lived left of the station, cos she showed it to me before, yet she went up the hill instead of going home. Now this got my curiosity going. I now believe David’s theory on the women I date are crazy. This Kurdish girl I don’t really know, but I hope to discover the truth, as that what I like to do best.

I started my competitive challenge, by emailing about 15 different poetry places, to see if they would publish any of my poetry. I won’t give up on this matter, I will try my best to send my journal around the world and fiercely look for a job. The time of competitiveness is upon me.

I talked to Claudia for a bit, as I was feeling a bit blue. This Kurdish girl doesn’t make me feel good about myself, I feel quite low. I guess I now know how Vicky felt when I was giving my speaks about the purity of love. It seemed like bullshit to Vicky though, which did upset me at times. I really love Claud as a friend, I can call her whenever and talk to her for hours on end to get rid of unusual boredom. Not really boredom as I call it, but the emptiness I feel as I have no emotions of feeling important or wanted in my life right now. And that Kurdish girl doesn’t help… oh well, life moves on, I know many ladies that would be proud to be my side. So it doesn’t matter if nothing solidifies between us.

I had a very amazing day today. One that I shall not forget in anyway. A meeting of such a passionate soul came my way today. As I looked into the light brown eyes of this beautiful girl, i noticed the heart felt burst of passion and intensity that I crave for in a woman. I met up with this Kurdish girl, that I met before in a previous fashion show. She was beautiful at the time, and even more so as I saw at another fashion show.

Me being my cheeky self, stayed in the girl’s changing room. Checking out the ladies while also being me “cheeky hal”. lol Its great to have allowance of being let in there, as normally guys would not be “allowed” in such private areas. Especially in a kurdish society, yet somehow I manage to break past those barriers, as well as staying in the air of mystery while giving out my flirtatious gestures. However, my eyes were only set on one girl, whose looks and deep eyes captured me from the start. As I lightly winked at her when she looked at me for the first time during the fashion show. I saw that cheeky smile of hers coming my way, as she finished her final catwalk. She got dressed and came up to me, we flirted like the previous fashion show. Or as she told me, “you were being very flirty with me”. Which made me laugh, but I dare not let her go this time around, as I confidently asked for her phone number in front of the many peering eyes. I got her number, and eventually we departed our separate ways at the end of the fashion show. Also crossing paths with many other pretty and interesting ladies. One being Miss Asia of 2003 or 04 i think, not the matter to I, as her enthusiasm seemed a bit ott, but thats me sounding very harsh.

So back to this very wonderful date I had with this very wonderful kurdish girl. As irony keeps taking part in life, it certainly took part in my words upon finding love with a kurdish girl. As I realised what I said about never wanting to go out with a kurdish girl, is now the opposite. I find out this girl that my heart told me to go out with, is somewhat of the same person as I. Many of our thoughts and views on life flowed like fish in a river. It’s a strange way to explain this, but I looked up her astrology star sign, and I saw what I wanted to see. Her moon sign was aquarius, same as mine, her love sign was opposite to mine (hers being Sagittarius, and mine Gemini) she was as opposite as the same, much like Claudia. Yet this girl likes exactly what I do, staring up at the night sky and counting the stars. We like the same colour, both like to live in Italy, we have experienced the same things in our lifetime, and its a joy to find something so similar in life. My heart beats for her now as I write this ending paragraph. I can’t wait to see what happens with her. May the future hold something bright for us.

It was my birthday yesterday, and it was a delightful time for me. As I received text messages and cards from many people. The close ones having the most heart felt words written across their faces and cards…

I was thinking about my fresh connection, and it merged to me that I felt for her differently. Just a moment was all that took for me to concluded that she is now but a mere friend and thats what will out of her relationship with me now. I can’t see us being anymore as the complexities of indian culture, are far beyond what I will go through to get someone I want. As the easy going, multi-cultural european style girls are more comforting, yet they come with personality flaws. As their culture as under gone years of brainwash into looking perfect. While the stubborn cultures from Asia, produce families with more stable personalities, they come with the offset of culture complexities rather then personality offsets.

My search continues for the next love of mine, as I continue to improve my personality. I did a astrology report, which I was sent as a birthday present from astrology.com website. It told of my sensitive side and how it has taken over, making me insecure and doubtful of who I am. Also saying that it was important for me to build an ego, which will define me as a human being, and make me stand out more. The lack of confidence comes mostly from my fear of rejection of girls. Yet if upon rejection, my intermediate reaction is “oh well”, yet I continue to cover myself up and fear the worst. While I should have the confidence to talk to whom I found most interesting. For the ability and potential is there, all I have to do make those connections. Over the coming weeks, I will try to improve on this skill. As I feel its only a few minutes of talk, then my nerves will be over the hill, and I’d be on cruise mood. I want to talk to this girl who owns an ibook. She seems quite friendly enough, so I’ll try my connection making skills and hopefully realise that nothing is to worry about. As many times I’ve been told of my beauty, intelligence, deepness and humour, and furthermore a girl would be lucky to have someone like me. However strangely, I can’t seem acquire those facts and use them for my own good. As my sensitive tells me that everyone has different opinions on each other. So rather than standing out, I am in a blend mode. I’ll see what happens over the coming weeks.

As strange it may be, you might be wondering why I haven’t been talking about
my break up with vicky? Such an impact, should really of been written all over
my journal. But somehow, my time spent thinking hasn’t been emphasized on her.
We have kept in contact though, week by week phone calls.

You may be wondering, how this all happened? This story started about 4 weeks
ago. It was on a morning Sunday, as I was updating Vicky’s computer, readying
it to be sold. We were constantly bickering with each other. Although that
urge to break up with her came to me on the Saturday night, when we went to
watch a musical. One moment that exploded into a raging bull inside me, where
she was asking about the name of the musical for a questionnaire she was filling
out for her mum. I told her the name of it, "Times of Our Lives, Radio
and TV", then clearly in front of my face, she asked her mother. And there
in front of my face her mother replied the exact same words. Now people may
think I might be over reacting, but this surely states a lack of respect for
me. And one thing I can’t stand in life is lack of respect for any human being,
as it simply shows how much lack of trust and love she has for me.

She cant get past the mere abstraction or imagery of having a boyfriend, and
fully enjoy the love that I can to her. The lack of trust comes from an over-emotional
and self-destructive manner, where she has this level of self-dignity at times,
while she chooses to believe the paranoid thoughts produced by her heart, topped
off with a lack of respect for her own physical appearance. Makes one difficult
cocktail, while she tries to improve on herself, her easy disturbed nature
doesn’t allow her to concentrate as she would like. Therefore causing her to
feel sorry for herself and because of her need for attention, many a times
trying to cause hurt upon the people who create the paranoid thoughts in her.
Even though, those people may not of caused her to be paranoid in anyway. But
her lack of self-respect has caused her to recoil in a loop of neurotic thoughts,
this leads her to push away her closest friends.

Back to how we broke up. We were arguing about something, and she said "why
don’t you break up with me?". So i said "fine, ok i want to break
up with you Vicky". I don’t think it came to her just after I left her
house. She was upset for a couple days, even though I was constantly speaking
to her on the phone, trying my utmost best to make her content. On the following
Thursday night, she went out with a couple of mates, got drunk and kissed another
guy (with tongues). This completely broke my heart, as I felt the emotions
race through my heart, the feeling of 10,000 draggers attacking your heart.
She tried to come up with the excuse that we weren’t together, and yet she
still said that she loved me. I thought that was just being selfish, as she
was trying to keep hold of me while doing what she wants to do. And anyway
the guy she kissed was 17 years old, just shows how willing Vicky is to do
whatever comes her way. I don’t think I could forget about what she done to
me, even though I am meeting her the day before my birthday to go to the planetarium.
We will see how that day goes….

My time with that fresh connection of mine has been evolving into a kind of
wonderful feeling inside me. Physical contact has also been increased. Strangely
the first letters of fresh connection are linked to her name. FS = CF, while
her true name is Adelina, but she likes to use Claud. Sadly, what she said
tonight has hurt me. She said she won’t be able to come to my birthday as she
needs to play catch up with her university work, after she finishes her dissertation.
She said "its either my work or you… this is my degree…", and
this shocked me to hear it. I thought she might be joking around, but as to
now, she hasn’t said anything about joking around. So to my knowledge, she
isn’t willing to come out for a couple of hours, to merely enjoy my birthday,
or even just a day out with some friends. While ironically, it takes her hours
to get work done, as she lacks concentration because of her impulsive heart.
Oh well, we’ll have to see how this saga goes…

We look at life with many thoughts in our minds, many dreams, many goals. Yet
as we grow older the many of those aspects inside our hearts/minds become filtered
through the sleeve of realistic life. Don’t get me wrong, it changes a lot about
you, life that is. Yet it might never open your eyes to other affects long forgotten.

The trends of a routine life, is something people are inclined to forgo without
a second thought as what lies beneath or overhead. Trying to solve the many
mysterious of life is a most difficult task, as it might take several lifetimes
to understand, or maybe never. Or maybe a loop of internal complexity occurs
and an infinite amount of possibilities opens in front of your eyes. So therefore,
an answer maybe is trying to look at the past and trying to formulate an equation.
An equation that generates such random figures and never-ending conclusions.

As I was talking about it with my fresh connection, now not as fresh as I
thought. Leading myself on into a dream is never good, as the tests have told
me ever before. Maybe friendship into love is not the path I must take to find
enlightenment. And maybe true happiness is not for the search of love but for
the search of yourself. As why would it be so bad to be self-consumed then
to be longing for an eternal number of possible routes to true love.

The possibility of finding a soul mate is only but of faith in yourself, as
to try to make yourself more transparent, to merely adjust to their thoughts
and lifestyle will literally kill off your search. For I was the background,
and now I try to paint my own picture on this now mad and corrupt world. Yet
the thoughts in my head, and the reality of life conflict with each other.
My idealistic ways try to go against the rhythm of life as we see it in front
of us. As I realise traditional thoughts of what a soul mate can be is but
skeptical now. As love creates this distorted view of what a person is and
how they think towards you. It casts a blind spot over your heart, and so is
love as pure as they think? I think that love is a perfect balance of both
good and bad, just as we need a heaven and hell to believe in, love creates
both persona and yet ironically doesn’t share it in perfect balance. We can
try to control love, one of the most powerful forces we feel. "Feeling" somewhat
of a illusion created in our minds to provide escapism from the routine of
life. So maybe departing from that routine, and might make you feel true love.
As we would not have to escape from anything and what we experience might be
true feelings.

The many things we are expected to accomplish in life, builds enough pressure
inside our minds to fog out the rest of the true inside our souls. For I believe
your soul is the true reality to yourself, so maybe the truth is somewhat inside
you, and life’s experiences might make you realise that. So I can say, that
we gain from experiences but can never stop learning? As we are set inside
this loop of infinity, maybe better to forget to understand what is it, and
use it for your own good?

I don’t know really, this topic is never ending, as the many possible conclusions
can burst into millions of other possibilities. I will leave this for now.

My weekend started off very well, my heart was full of potential and hope for the relationship I’m in. I also had a great chat with Claudia’s sister, she seemed really friendly, and liked me! So that was a good step forward eh! lol The stress that love has put me through is beyond anything that I have felt before, nights of constantly crying and feeling the pain dig deep into my heart and soul… David Gray’s songs slice open the wounds that never seem to heal… I seem powerless and helpless with this pain I feel… My first love has caused such strong scares, that I hate but also love her so much. I miss HER COMPLETELY! What is wrong with me? This is so irrational and so so illogical for me to have such thoughts. It seems Claudia’s opinions about Vicky looking like Megan are very true indeed. As I stared into her eyes, I saw fragments of Megan in her eyes. This lead me off into past, thinking about Megan’s bedroom, the first night we spent together, it seemed so magical, the purity of her love. I see all those things in Vicky’s eyes. It crushes me to be in such a position. I think about the location Megan lived in, the traveling I had to do to visit her. It seemed so fairy-tale like for me… It doesn’t seem to hurt me that Megan doesn’t want to see me, which is kind of weird and I still warped up by the past with her. The food races we had when she was at my house, I wished we lived closer together, I believe things would of much better. I don’t know, I am kind of weak and pathetic person really, I can’t seem to let go of her. Its such an hard dilemma for me… Why can’t things ever been easy for me… or anyone for that matter… lol Vicky loves me with all her heart, and I see that fully, I don’t want to break her heart, but the more I see her the more I get reminded of Megan. Do I take the pain of Megan for Vicky’s sake? I think that is why I reminded of Megan so often as the physical aspect is very familiar. I think about the times her parents took us out and I saw such beautiful landscapes, and the places we visited were so beautiful that my mind was drifted away. I could picture myself flying across those breath-taking hilltops, so green, so bright. Anything related to Megan, crushes me… its unbelievable! How weird love, and a strong such as I cant seem to even grasp how to control such emotions… I hope one day, I will find that soul mate of mine. I hope that one day, I can be successful and make my Mother and friends proud. I also dream that one day I will meet Megan again, I hope fate brings us back together, as I miss her family a lot. Her mother and father were amazing people, so genuinely friendly. I feel better after my little cry.

A pain dwelling inside me, a feeling either recalled from the past or from what I saw today. I was watching Sex and the City. And Miranda, was upset about Carrie leaving to Paris. Just upset me to see her leaving, made me realise how I feel for my close friends. And losing them would hurt me more than I thought. I’ve grown more closer emotionally to Claudia, I look into her eyes and my heart just melts. I don’t know what I see about her but it just runs tears down my soul. The same way I feel about my mother. I kind of admire Claudia, I like a lot of stuff about her actually. The way she strong headed yet laid back about most things in life, reminds me of myself. The experiences she has had in life, reminds me of my childhood. I taste the tears as they slide down my face, the music seeps into my soul and digs at my heart. Is this pain that I’m feeling good or bad? Looking at the photos we took in brent cross, brings further water down my face. As I realise how important and wonderful my friends in university are in my life. Back to that cheeky Claudia, lol. She brings a smile to my face when I think of her. I wish that we will remain friends forever and as time progresses we get closer. I dont know, but I don’t think I could handle her being with a guy, does that mean i have fallen in love with her?? What of Vicky? I am sooo confused, I hate being like this, love or life itself never came easy to me. I guess I want to earn my way through life… I guess I just want someone whose a kid at heart, yet also serious.

Thoughts of my Mother rush into my head, as the empathy breaks me apart… I ask myself, why does my Mother have to feel so much pain and suffering from my stupid brother. Whom I seem to hate day by day… I think about how wonderful and brave my Mother is. She is my idol, completely and will always be my source of inspiration. The further I think of much she means to me, the more my heart cries for her happiness. The amount of suffering she and I have been through, unites our souls through thousand lifetimes…

The outcome of last weekend went quite well, as a change of events went into place. We finally had a great weekend, howeveras expected and not unknown to me was the odd argument near the end of the argument. Yet generally a peaceful and warm time with my Vicky. As the weather was so so to the point of hurting your hands, our time together was spent mostly indoors or drinking hot-cosy drinks! We decided on a lovely walk around chiswick high street, while beforehand taking a little detour to give David a little birthday present, as it was his 21st. I brought him a ‘lovely’ card with a picture of the village people, signifying more importantly his homophobic views. However only to be taken as a joke to merely lighten further the air between our friendship. A good friend is he, always looking for the juicy gossip, yet always looking for the well being of others and I can see that. Trying in as many ways to show my gratitude to his ‘hard-work’ in dealing with such an irregular human being such as myself… But I believe he enjoys my sarcastic and cynical views on life, and the strange stories that I project into the conversation spreading loud words across the streets of chiswick. Back to Vicky, we enjoyed a nice time watching “cheaper by the dozen”, where choosing the film was done using a fairly simple game. It consisted of putting all the films we would like to see onto paper, putting into a hat or bag. Then the last film left in the bag/hat would be the film we saw, a fun and lively method I think into choosing what to see!

I am sitting really enraged with fiery and annoyance. I can’t get out of my head how depressed Vicky is feeling, even with my strongest efforts to bewilder her doubts. Miss V J Stevenson, still manages to find a little route into my heart and take another stab at my heart. Its getting to the stage where I have stopped caring about other people because of how she is making me feel. She is a strange and complex person, more than I realised. Her aquarius moon has a massive negative affect on her, where she dives deep into the surreal holes in her mind. For they are holes which have a consequence on her family and friends, with each action taken I feel analysed a thousand times over… With each word I express I feel watched by a thousand people over… I can’t seem to release my thoughts or hands on her, for it feels like doing so is so so wrong in my mind now.

Could it be that I am looking at this in a self-centered way? Maybe the real trouble lays in the fact that Vicky doesn’t seem to love me anymore. Because on the phone, she was talking about may I quote ‘I (I as in myself the current Halmat Ferello) may have lost interest in her because I,I, I! Saw her as a computer kind of person’ with her fancy wancy degree, right there in her pocket just waiting to be held out for everyone to see how clever Vicky really is. I can’t believe how far from the actual, may I say actual again, truth she is… I tell her time and time again, that what we as in me and Miss Victoria Stevenson have is real love and nothing can break such a bond. And yet she never seems to think that her intelligence for getting a degree is worth sharing to the world. It nulls me, that working so hard, the confidence from gaining such a sign of recognition can be blown away so easily with her. It nulls me more to think that good aspects in life with Miss V. J. Stevenson can be sliced into little tiny atomic-sized pieces, and no one not even herself can see them… Yet without effort she magically whisks the-darkness, the-surreal of life into a common reality, where only but herself lives in. What can I do? I ask myself many times, so many thoughts flickering through-inside-around my mind, like bees flying around a flower. I am stuck in this motionless status at this time, but little does Vicky know that carrying on like this, with her surreal thoughts and further rude words will lead to termination of our somewhat unusual relationship. However with poor old me, unusual is not unusual, its like a common folk story told over and over again. I keep experiencing the deadliest of emotions and most harmful, but why am I still stronger than before? Why do I still care for anything anymore if my out come is so dreadful and loyalty doesn’t even mean as much as a bar of chocolate for Vicky…. Will see how this weekend goes and I will prelude the outcome soon…

I’ve just finished a weekend with Vicky. Sounds very much as if I was going to work and its completed for yet another week. In some ways it’s a delight to spend my time with Vicky, but, and of course there was ‘but’. It might sound like I am staying with her for sex or something like that. When in fact, its more like a how the atmosphere of movie is consisted of… Where you have a happy beginning, the middle gets intense and sometimes confusing and the end brings back normality to the audience. Well me being the audience and Vicky being the movie shows how it is… The weekend starts off very wonderful, we missed each other through the week days. Then Vicky goes over the top about somethings that occur during the weekend. Especially if it ‘involves’ any mention of my ‘girl-friends’, I see her eyes turn cold and pierce through me like silver bullets.

We went out for a couple’s dinner on Saturday night, went to a chinese restaurant called ‘Pak Tock’. The walk to the place was like trying to survive gale-force winds. Vicky and I were being dragged around the pathway, like two cows caught in a hurricane. We eventually got there, some of Vicky’s friend came late, because a gush of strong air hit their car and cut off the electricons. It seemed so busy with waiters and waitresses flying about the different sections of the restaurant. There were a lot of pretty girls around actually, and my curious eyes were scanning the room looking for things that other people might not notice. I love doing that, just seeking for little secrets that I like to keep in my head and to indulge them in my cheeky smile. We had a great meal there when we finally got seated and ‘two’ separate round green-covered tables. Which were conveniently put together for 8 of us people, but sadly Vicky and I weren’t seated on the same table and had to holds hands from either side. We had a great meal, I choose to take the skill way and ate with chop sticks and a bowl, the tradition way, may I add.. lol One of Vicky’s friends was amazed how I was eating with them, I said the first time I used the chopsticks that the people thought I had been using them for ages on end. But I merely naturally took to using them. I had a hot-tangy Kung Po Chicken with special fried rice, which was zingy and tasty on the tongue. The evening went well, with me ending my meal with some lovely chinese tea. Though I should of had it with the meal, however the thought completely slipped my mind as I was conserving with Vicky’s many friends.

That night I had an interesting sexual experience with Vicky. The first time I had anal sex with a girl, it was quite tight and unusual, though we didnt use a condom I thought I would just enjoy the moment for a little before stopping. I have to say, I would never do it again with using a condom, as many sexual diseases can occur from anal sex. But the thought of it doesn’t enlighten in the slightest, so I don’t think I would be pursuing that course of sexual activity again.

The following day, I got a call from David who was in Italy at the time. He was telling about the world trip he was thinking about taking with Persana and his girlfriend. But I think he wasn’t too interested in taking with just those, and I told him the thought of doing it, made me quite interested. Sadly the tickets alone would cost £900, and a further £1000+ would be needed for hotels and living costs on this three-month journey of a real life. It was so weird though, as this offer was only available for students under 21. And the price would go up further and further up in sync with the age. I saw a strike in the heart, when Vicky heard about me considering to take the journey. Her eyes were in glum, her faced groped down like a set of shatters on a summer French vila. This kind of disillusion and probable ‘millions’ of thoughts blazing inside her, made me angry. I guess I thought, ‘not again Vicky’ as her over-top sensitive side plugged me into a network of a million-more thoughts of why I should stay with her… As the time processed I wanted to leave and go home to end all this misery inside of my heart. The fact she doesn’t tell me what’s wrong, just explains the whole reason why she’s upset. As I know when the look in her eyes. She gets upset about something if it doesn’t go her way, and yet when it ‘finally’ does. She is in this ‘ok whatever’ state for a while until she calms down and a smile awakens on her face. We watched ‘Being John Milkovch’, which I thought was a very witty and funny film, yet had a slightly weird side to the plot line.

The pain drawing all around my body, the tears dripping away. And what for what? A strange undying love that I hold in my heart… How can this be? Why am I feeling this?

Why wont it go away?

So many questions raging through my mind as the pain lowers in my heart. The sweet music drifts into my ears, and comforts me a little. I think about the past experiences with the past love of mine. It loops again and again, over and over… The images perfectly displayed inside a unbreakable cabinet window, as I pick my hammer and try to smash away at those thoughts, those feelings. She haunts my soul, as I read her past emotions for I. I go over the reasons for break up, and the tears pour out of my eyes again. I hold my hands against my face, feeling the watery drops slide down my arms… Why do I so intense for her? While others break up and get over it so swiftly and neatly, yet I, am typing away, never finding a conclusion to this mystery of love that I have for her. I can only pray that one day I will either meet her again or I will be rid of this poison in my blood.

A friend of mine, from scotland, is having a bad time in her life. She is a sweet, sweet person. One who deserves to be cared and loved, and I am glad she has a boyfriend in her. That boyfriend seems quite devoted and caring… Yet she does not come without a doubtful side to herself. For in her hour of need, I was not there for her. I was aggressively working on my university projects, to the point where my brain would go into overload and the headaches would constantly smash into my head. I did say I was sorry, but fear we drifting away from each other. That fact only isn’t one which I would take too lightly. Simply because of how we share common interests as well as helping each other. I do hope that everything will be better soon… I need to get back to my revision, for I have an exam on Tuesday and lots more of revision needed…

The voice of this woman echoes through my body, as my emotions rush through my heart. This sad yet beautiful song is really getting to me, and yet the words projected from her silk voice remind me of Megan. I cant believe it but I’ve no idea why I keep thinking of this girl. Its not logical or rational, my mind is set on Vicky, but my heart keeps saying the girl’s name inside. I cant control this rage I have… Not what you may think it to be, but a saddened rage, where I feel somewhat unfinished with Megan. Like what we had wasn’t completed properly. I have to get this girl out of my mind, its complete madness! I hate being like this, it hurts me so much, and yet the pain keeps feeding my thoughts for her, living in the dark spot of my heart… She never really had any respect for me, well that’s how I felt, maybe I’m wrong maybe I’m right. We’ll never know, and somehow I don’t care either. I think it might be the feeling I got when I looked into her eyes, I felt a purity… When I look at my friends, Alev and Tina’s eyes, tell me to be cautious, while Claudia’s eyes push out the same purity I sensed with Megan… But to knowledge Megan wasn’t a nice person, my instincts could be switched around, maybe… Yet I got the same feeling of precaution with Alexandria, when I saw a ‘real’ photo of her.

My life is much better without Megan, the complexity I reached with her was beyond any normal or even weird relationship. Maybe the reason why she is still in my thoughts, was the complexity of it all… Do I long for complexity? Even though somewhere desires of simplicity and happiness walk the paths of my heart. But Vicky is quite complex herself, so maybe she is perfect for me? The age never really affected my feelings for Vicky, everything about her is just right for me. I know it might sound hypocritical of me to say this about most girls I fall for, my needs are simple, yet my passion to give is so great. This way of thinking hurts me sometimes, because people see this (especially with me) using it to their advantage. I’m glad though to be able to see that and take quick action, still feel the pain from being used.” p3=”This song is making quite depressed, my heart can’t get enough of it though and my fingers wont stop it from playing… Its helping me pour out my thoughts and feelings, so its good for one thing at least. I can’t describe the heart ache that crushes me inside, but I feel the more I cry the more my soul strengthens… Well its what I hope it will do… My weekend with Vicky wasn’t exactly good… She was feeling a bit depressed coming onto her periods, the hormones messing with her emotions and mind. I can’t expect perfect weekends with her all the time, so I was prepared for the worst, who wouldn’t be with anyone who went out with my ex. (ahh! Still talking about her! that really annoys me!) So anyway, I tried to be as supportive as I could be. I made sure I got her that Chinese meal she really liked last time she came to mine.

We watched Eastenders together and that must of been the best time of the weekend. It felt really cosy to feel the warmth of body next to mine. To look into her eyes, and kiss her gently on the lips and tell her that ‘i love you’. A surge of security and happiness charge into you to know someone right next to you, loves you with all her heart… However this devotion comes at a price, for this weekend she was going onto my MSN. And I also discovered that she looked at Tina’s profile, Ben’s profile and Nadean’s profile (cos she talked to her online). Vicky was probably hoping to find some kind of online lust affair, that her mind keeps riddling her with. For I was once there thinking away at whether my partner was cheating on me or not, mine being for many a reason, and Vicky’s being from the past. The actions that affect us emotionally sometimes cut us so deep, that no medicine or treatment will help us. Yet most physical pains can be cured, this just shows the complexity of the mind and its link with the heart. I am a prime example of this emotional deep cut, the break with my first love caused great ripple inside me. And still feeling the pain rippling through my heart. I wonder when will it end…? When will the evil aftermath of love end…? This ripple might never end with the power that love creates. Although my sensitivity for people, has given a great insight into how things should be designed for maximum effectiveness. And also that sensitivity has helped me tune into many people, help them to resolve their problems or just be there to listen to them. It hurts me to see other people hurt, so I try my best to make them overcome their hurt in life…

I am sitting on the train with my laptop typing away, the rain outside is slapping against the windows. I can feel the cold air slide in as the train doors open. My heart is calling out to Vicky, I miss her a lot. Even though I had a great weekend with her, my love for her is expanding more than imagined. And guilt playing into me again sending that letter to Megan, I’m glad though I haven’t sent her a birthday present. Because she doesn’t deserve my friendship, her stupidity and stubbornness lays in-between everything we had. And I can say that can of worms that never seemed to close, has been finally sealed and throw away. I didn’t Megan’s address and all her emails on my computer. I was gonna throw away all the stuff she wrote and brought me, but I thought that would be defeating the object of getting over someone. And the fact that she was completely rude to me when we spoke on MSN a couple of days ago, she said that I was manipulative with my emotions and tried out a ‘nice’ act on her. I think the reason why she thinks like that, is because of her friend’s past experiences. Maybe guys tried to be nice with them to get something out of the girls. But I wanted to be nice just out of my heart. I thought it would be nice to be friends with my first love. She didn’t want to talk me anymore, me having a girlfriend just made her, hate me even more. However, I couldn’t and didn’t mind her feeling this way, for its what makes a person happy, even if it maybe an illusion of feelings and thoughts.

I think the moment I got over Megan, was the moment I wrote another poem for Vicky. I was listening to Ben E. King ‘stand by me’ song at the time, it was quite late and the wind outside was as cold as ice. I simply thought about what Vicky means to me and my life, and the words poured out… I was going to call it ‘Wicked Game’ but i thought the love me and her have isn’t wicked (as in teasing love or evil) but its more beautiful. Hence I called it ‘Beautiful Game’ which happened to be my second flow of motion poem. Flow of motion poem is one where I have fallen completely in love with a girl and my heart is totally focused on her. It was Vicky’s friends birthday, Sara (produced with a Z not S), and we went out to a couple of pubs then ended up in a club called Jumping Jacks. Its a typical Essex club, the club played live music a lot of the time. The music that they played ranged from 60′s 90′s. Hardly heard any of the modern day music, I decided to drink on the Saturday we went out, I had quite a bit and felt tipsy. But it was great fun! I danced a lot, and I was making everyone laugh with my ‘jazzy’ (lol) dance moves. I am so happy that I can make Vicky laugh, it was so hard to make Megan. I had to really think of some professional witty comedian phrases to say which would make Megan laugh sometimes.

I realised today, that Vicky is more and more like me, in that she is big kid inside, exactly like me!!! The love I see in her eyes is beyond belief, and sometimes when I say really romantic things to her, I can see a tear nearly dropping down her eye. It makes me smile inside when I know she likes me being all sloppy, cute and romantic. We meant one of Vicky’s mates from school. His name was Jon (i think), well I tried not to get jealous when he kissed her on the cheek. I have to say it worked, it didn’t bother me when it happened. The weird thing about this guy was that I think he was trying to be friendly, and maybe tried doing a little shoulder-to-shoulder hug with me, but it looked more like he wanted to kiss me, even Vicky thought that… lol I thought that Jon was much better looking than me, and I told Vicky about it, and she convincingly said ‘no way, you are much better looking than him’. It did bring a smile to my smile. She said the reason why she wanted to meet me straight away after chatting for only 3 days was because my face looked quite mysterious. And it made her want to see what was beyond my look. I said to her ‘well you know that is what I wanted… I wanted a woman to be confident enough to go out with me even though my face seemed filled with so many unknown things’.

All in all I’ve had a wonderful weekend with Vicky, we haven’t argued at all and I think the more we get to know each other the more we can relate and connect. Once example of this connection, is that Vicky came around the door looking really upset. And I was like ‘whats happened baby?’, she went up to get my drink cos we were watching TV downstairs. I initally thought that she spilt the drink on my laptop. But she said in a most convincing voice ‘Hal you know what? I dropped my ring down the plughole…’ My heart went all sad. But Vicky couldn’t keep the act together and with a quick cheeky smile, she told me that she was only joking. lol She really had me going there and it made me laugh so much that was so sly like that. I do have to say I liked it, it was a side of Vicky I haven’t seen before and I’m glad she has it! As I thought to myself when I looked onto her gentle face, ‘the more and more I see her, the more my love will strengthen…’

Well I wrote a letter to Megan, just a friendly ‘hello and how are you?’ kind of letter. I hoped she would get it and reply back to me, just wanted to know if she was alright. I sent the letter on the 12th of November, should of got there by the 14th hopefully. I decided to add Megan back to my msn and see if she would chat to me. The doubts in my mind were slighting tingling away and chipping at my brain, but I casted them away when I saw her name came up ‘Weak with Desire’, my heart was racing, and I didn’t know what to do. She sent the typical nervous three dots one, it was the filled with the opening question asking me politely whether I want to answer her. I replied with the common a hello, and we only chatted for what it felt like seconds. She told me that she replied back to my letter. I thought how deep her feelings were for me… I contemplated, if she sent me a reply quickly then she did still care, maybe because she wanted to tell me go away and stop talking to her, or maybe the influence of her parents made her write to me. All those thoughts were trapped inside my mind. I didn’t know what the letter would consist of, but I knew I would get it in a few days time…

I was thinking, maybe she will send back all the photos of me and my t shirt, if she did this then I would know for sure that she doesn’t feel for me anymore and doesn’t want to hear from me. I would completely understand her actions. Although I would be hurt inside, I would have to accept it and live on with the missing part of my heart that I left with Megan. Its strange, she is my ex and I do love Vicky with my all heart, but somewhere in my heart there is part hoping that she has kept my t shirt and photos and treasures them as much as I do. I was also thinking, of the amount of pages she would write to me, if it were one or two then she wanted to cut it short. If it were long, maybe she is glad that I wrote a letter to her and she is pouring her feelings into it, or maybe she is over me and is moving on. So many thoughts and alternate endings come to my mind, I just hope and pray that she still cares and loves me as I do for her. It will help control this somewhat unstable set of emotions I have not being with her. I still don’t understand why I am like this, but I have to say that the more Vicky is herself and not the paranoid side I see so often then Megan will eventually be shifted fully to the back of my heart, making room complete room for Vicky. However, I can’t wait to see what happens to my love life, as it seems like a rollercoaster most of the time. Yet in the future I will have many a tale to tell, and can be proud I have gone through so many deep emotions in my lifetime. It makes me smile to think I have been so much deepness at such an early age of 20. Not many people even begin to feel like I have felt at my age. Still, I hope we can be friends and talk on msn, because she still means a lot to me and I still wanna keep trying to keep in contact with her.

My last weekend with Vicky was truly amazing, I was crying, smiling, loving her more and more. She upset over the fact that we couldn’t have sex properly, because we got interrupted by unusual call from my brother asking about whether his phone had free WAP minutes. I quietly told him that I simply don’t know! She was right to be angry with me, cos it spoiled the passion between us when we were kissing. We tried again later on, but she couldn’t for some reason, and she got really upset about it. I tried cheering her up with my silly laughs and it worked! Basically, I came up with this laugh which makes Vicky laugh so loud, she can never resist the laugh of me! lol The laugh is like a high pitched cry for help but its really funny… lol Well that Saturday night, she looked into my eyes, I could feel the glow of love of for me, and she said that I understand her so well, and she thinks I am her Soul Mate. I was so surprised and happy to hear that! I was like, wow, thats amazing Vicky. I asked her a couple of times whether she meant what she said, and she did! Today on the phone, she mentioned that because we were so close and the amount of things that were linked between us, we must be soul mates. And before I did tell her that in past lifetime we were lovers, the strong connection I felt for her the first time I saw her, said it all. I hope we get stronger as a couple and hope she trusts me more and more. Ooo and next week will be our four month anniversary. She was saying only 5 more months to beat your previous relationship, I told her that it would be a long time before I beat her longest relationship of 4 years… lol Its 10 past 12 and I will say nite nite. Tell you what Megan writes in her letter, I am so curious to know…

She didn’t want to speak to me on msn for too long, her feelings must be deeper than I thought, she said ‘its not a good time to talk…’ I thought ok, maybe she is busy with school, then I realised that after that conversation she deleted me on her msn list. So I thought maybe she can’t stand seeing me on her msn list if she came went online. Maybe all the experiences we went through are still lingering on in her heart and mind like with me. Everytime she thinks of me, she probably feels like a dagger striking her heart a thousand times. Maybe she wants to try to forget about me and hide away those feelings so she can move on, maybe it was a bad idea sending her that letter, I might of opened up a ‘healing’ wound in her heart. But I had to let her know that she is still in my heart and mind… I have no control over how my heart feels and what it wants to do. Some people like Megan are more mind-wise, where they think with their minds, but I mostly think with my heart. And thats probably the only reason I sent her that letter.

I’ve been thinking about people’s motivates in life, and wondering if everyone in this lifetime is self-centered? It makes me think, is that person really nice? Or are they doing it to gain something from me in the future? But do my actions have self-centered goals? I know that all my intentions for people are pure and good hearted. In one way, thats what people like about me, ‘not another pretty face’ as they say… lol And yet some people I have met over my lifetime have abused my ‘innocent’. I think its good that I realise afterwards if someone was trying to use me or not. I hate that… it really boils my blood if someone uses me. I feel a cheated friend.

It was Megan’s birthday on the 6th of November, and I didn’t forget about it. It was on my mind a week before, I decided to get her a birthday card. Its a nice one with pink plastic-type stones stuck on to the card spelling out ‘BIRTHDAY GIRL *’ I came across a jewelry store in Chiswick on my way to get her the card, I saw some lovely very comptemporary style ear rings for £60. I was about to buy them, but I thought it was best to get an opinion from another person if they were nice and if it was the right decision to send Megan a present for her birthday. She may of forgotten about me and probably the last person she wants to hear from. And yet I wanted her to know that she is in my thoughts and I haven’t forgotten about her… She still lives within my heart, and most of the time now its like a poison inside my heart. A scare of love I have to live with for the rest of my life. I wonder will I ever get over megan or not? Only time will tell… Last night I was listening some beautiful trance music and it just brought back all the memories of me and her together and just little moments like lying in bed and holding her close to me. Feeling her breath, feeling her lips next to mine. I was crying so hard, the pain was rushing through my heart, and the more I tried to toughen up against the pain the more it hurt. I had to let go and let it control me… I must of been crying for half an hour…

The more I cried the more the pain came, I couldn’t stop it! It was complete madness. Why is this girl still lingering in my heart? Does she play a bigger in my life than I previously thought? I don’t know, but I am sure I will find out after I send megan the letter and flowers. I decided not get her the ear rings, Nadean a really close friend of mine told me that it would be over the top and a bit too much for Megan to held if she saw them. Nadean said the flowers were the perfect choice to let Megan know I haven’t forgot about her birthday. Strangely, 2 weeks before her birthday I got an email from a flower’s company (last time I sent Nadean some flowers to cheer her up, and signed onto their online newsletter) and a beauty bunch of flowers, consisting of lilies and roses. I thought it was perfect, because Megan loves lilies, strangely being the choice of flowers for funerals. However, lol, there is always a however… lol Cos I changed my name, and the postal strikes happening in London, I have to wait for my new cards to get here. Then I found out the other day when I was trying to get some money out that they spelt my new name wrong! Can you believe how stupid some people are? I give them my change of name deed and they still manage to screw it up! Well right now I’ve got a Solo card under the name ‘MR H FERRELLO’ lol where did they get the extra r? Isn’t strange how just around Megan’s birthday postal strikes and my bank cards being wrong throws the chance of sending her something out of the window. Well not out of the window, but lessens the chance of me getting her something for on the 6th of November. But I will nevertheless send her the flowers, letter and birthday card. I hope she likes them and writes back to me, or even just lets me know if she is well.

Vicky has seemed to want to be more flexible with me, especially when it comes to her anger. She really wants to stay with and I think she does love me. But the way she loves me is a bit different to the way I love someone. She can still love someone even if she doesn’t love them. Well I on the other hand, couldn’t love someone if trust wasn’t there in the first place. Thats what we argued about last Friday, and how she started calling me a ‘lying cheating scum bag’ just cos I went out with my friend Tina. Yes I ‘did’ fancy Tina in the past, like two years ago! But nothing came of out, and I don’t think anything will. I tried my best to explain that to her, but I guess Vicky was in a really down mood about herself, and all the anger came pouring out onto me. I went home, and really wanted to break up with her. I called her and spoke to her in a straight-forward manner, telling her about how she makes me unhappy when she verbally attacks me. And most of the things she says hurts me a lot because I love her. It hurts 10 times as much, but I can’t be self-sacrificing and let her hurt me that way. If a relationship has more bad points than good, then you have to seriously think about why it is? And how you can resolve it. I thought the only way really was to break up with her, because the roots of her anger and jealously root from the fact that she fears the worst from me and is scared that I will break up with her like her past relationships. I hope she tries to control her anger and doesn’t ruin our somewhat fresher start. When I said I wanted to break up, all her thoughts and feelings came out for me. She told me that she wanted to have a house and kids with me, to come home and sit on my lap telling about how her day was and stuff. That did put a smile on my face, and she told me she was gonna try her best not to be anger at me on the phone or elsewhere. And I promised to stop saying ‘what’s wrong baby? please tell me…?’ etc etc. I had a good hour long conversation with her today, we were talking about all kinds of things, mostly about what christmas present we should get each other. Nadean and I had a lovely conversation online as well after I came home from a kurdish party in Acton Town Hall.

It was ok the party that is, nothing special, just the usual people dancing, the usual people using their camcorders. A kurd with a cam is a typical stereotype of a kurd. lol Its true, most kurdish people think that their status arises with the amount of material good in their procession. But me and Nadean has a really comfortable and nice talk about each other’s relationship. Nadean was a bit upset about the fact that I wrote a letter for Megan while forgetting about writing one to her. I must admit that it is quite horrible of me to forget about writing one to her, because she has been an amazing friend to me. Always there for me, always willing to listen and suggest ideas. I love that about her. I told her that my love for Megan made me cry and I had to write a letter to express my feelings. Moreover, I didn’t want to write Nadean a crappy letter, I wanted what I wrote to be from my heart, pure and simple, nothing forced. She forgive me forgetting about writing her a letter, cos she did ask me well before the summer even started. She asked me to send her a photo of me and rob at Camden, she liked the cheeky denim pose! lol I told her that I would send her three photos, me as a baby, me in black and white and the cheeky denim pose photo. Its 4:15am and I am signing off to get some sleep, for I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, well later today. Need to finish off my animation coursework, nite nite…

Firstly, I hope you like the website, some people may criticise that the font is too small or its too dark. But the look I am going for with v4.9 is very dark-cold-professional and symbolic style. I wanted it to be no fuss and no waiting web site. And I believe I’ve achieved that goal, and one of the most important things in life is get to the goals you set out in the first place.I was just listening to my iPod and this amazing trance track started playing, it must of been one I downloaded recently. But it was truly mind filling song, I can’t get enough of it…

It started to get my head going, thoughts, dreams and love begin flowing into me. I was soaked into in so many emotions, thoughts of my first true love came back to me. I remember how Megan, never liked the title ‘Love Poem 2′ cos it was the second one not the first one. So I was thinking of a better title, and the words ‘true love’ came to me, simple and frank. I still don’t know if that is a better title, but we’ll have to see what my heart thinks of it after time. I thought I would leave my contemplations beyond me and save it for another night. But I can’t sleep and therefore I’m thinking…I always knew I was a nocturnal person, where at night my aquarius nature takes over. I think this was the day that made me realise how important Vicky is to my life. For last night, we were about to break up because she couldn’t handle her jealous emotions. I think she may love me so much that its bringing out the insecurities of losing me. Well she quickly changed her decision about breaking up with me, for I think she realise inside her that losing someone like me would hurt her more than the jealous thoughts fogging her psyche. She told me she kept reading my journal, making her upset and thinking that she could never fill the shoes of the girls I had feelings for. But I told her that I want only her and I hope that she finds that out for herself and decides to trust me more.

I always knew I was a nocturnal person, where at night my aquarius nature takes over. I think this was the day that made me realise how important Vicky is to my life. For last night, we were about to break up because she couldn’t handle her jealous emotions. I think she may love me so much that its bringing out the insecurities of losing me. Well she quickly changed her decision about breaking up with me, for I think she realise inside her that losing someone like me would hurt her more than the jealous thoughts fogging her psyche. She told me she kept reading my journal, making her upset and thinking that she could never fill the shoes of the girls I had feelings for. But I told her that I want only her and I hope that she finds that out for herself and decides to trust me more.

As you may of read this journal, you are probably thinking, ‘God Vicky has been nothing but trouble…’ but this is not the case. For last weekend was a great healing process for both of us, we shared very intimate moments together and my thoughts of the ever-longing Megan were passed aside. Two moments which I will always keep within my heart, was when we were holding each other in the summer wood hut. It was nearly 10pm and the stars were shoring across the pitch-black night sky. I never realised ohow big her house was still we went for a walk across it to get to the hut. Inside, the air was freezing but the place was cosy, I glared deeply into Vicky’s eyes, and felt the magical sparkle reignited with my soul. The goose bumps where all over my neck and head. The amazing smile that was upon her face is how I always remember her. My heart was feeling strong emotions, I felt all flittered inside and that feeling where you see someone you have a crush on comes walking by. You know, where your heart feels like its stop beating… lol Well thats what I was feeling at that time. It was pretty amazing and I feel really lucky to have felt it more than once in my lifetime with someone I’ve been with. The other unforgettable moment between us, was where we went for a walk to the fields near her house the following afternoon. Another cold and grey day covered our tracks as we walked across the many large fields. Vicky put on this really cute purple hat, and she looked so adorable in it, I wanted to just hold her tight and never let go! Yes she looked that adorable! Cars flashing by our path, the air blowing against our bodies as we found some swings and had a gentle chat about the future, what might it hold for both of us. We decided to sit down at a bench, and I held her in my arms feeling the glow within me growing stronger as I saw her smile. Vicky seems to really like talking ‘our’ future, and it doesn’t scare me at all like it might with most guys. It makes me smile and feel secure inside, that a girl could think of such thoughts about me. Although I will honest, it isn’t the first a girl has had such thoughts about me, and yet everytime I am still surprised by it. I could never grow old of love, it always seems fresh and lively to me, like the feeling you get by splashing your face with ice-cold water.

Now as I always like to analyse and understand the human mind, it came to me that what I said before is so so true… All my thoughts about love are coming together, and I am getting this weird feeling like I know it would. For Vicky today, well technically Wednesday night, she sent me a text message saying that she loves me even more now than before. I grasped the theory that maybe, negative experiences/emotions make us love our partners even more. I know it sounds a bit ironic and strange for me to say something so crazy. However, I think without the need for each of us to realise how important our partners are to us than we will lose interest. And if you read my past entries, you can see it happened with me, my feelings towards Vicky were kind of fading slowly away. But the bad experience I had with her last night opened my heart to her. Hearing her cry on the phone showed me how much she really cared for me. That touched my soul, and made my heart/emotions come to realise that she really does love me. Nothing in the world could replace the feeling of someone loving you deeply, it was what I wished for and desired in my heart and I have it. I couldn’t be more happy with life right now…

I have felt very strange today… My heart has reached an emotionless state. I’ve started to recently get into Massive Attack, their new album 100th Window is brilliant, its very dark and chilling… But i like playing that through the dark night I spend in my bedroom pondering about where my life will end up. The actual song I’m listening to is called ‘Future proof’ its not very old 60′s style synths playing in the background and the eerie voice singing away…

Its really strange, even my emotions for Vicky has degraded themselves, and to tell you the truth I have no idea why… Its left me with a weird feeling inside my heart, like you’ve gone something bad against your parter, the annoying dropping tip. But I haven’t done anything to against Vicky, so it strikes me up when I feel like this… I question myself often to understand the complexity going on in my mind. It allows me to add a second party on my judgments without really having another person there. I know you might think this is a bit crazy, but I can seriously do that, make rational decisions based on two opinions formed in my head. Have my feelings for another person grown without me realising? But whom that could be is for to eventually found out if so… However, I think to how fate has guided me to Vicky and the events that happened where all oh so magical in nature. It was a massive thrill for my heart, mind and soul to have met Vicky. Yet I am scared that its all burnt out way too quickly, but I hope we can sustain with our good common ground and wacky/wonderful similar humour. I don’t think I will ever meet someone who really understands my humour apart from Vicky. She gets that strange level that I communicate my jokes upon. I am going to see her tomorrow, and I hope to have a good weekend with her watching some movies and going out for some walks. Both of us are short on cash, so no going out to anywhere until the money starts to roll in…

Its sad how life has to stop without money nowadays, it sounds quite superficial, but most things aren’t free to enjoy. However, deep down in my heart, I know things like love can never be brought. And with love comes admiration, security, physical contact, and enjoyable-sex. Because I truly believe that you have be in love with someone to enjoy the full capacity of sex, most one night stands are probably awkward and unsatisfying. The tense between two strangers when they have sex can also be brought up with someone you love, you have to approach sex more spontaneously for that to occur. The surprise of a sexual encounter with someone you feel for inside your heart is I believe much more thrilling to the heart. (one night stands not really my style, and probably never will be). However I’ve never tried a one night stand and therefore unable to conform whether my opinions are true or not… We’ll have to see what fate brings up for me i guess…

Well hello there, I haven’t touched this delightful journal for ages! Its been around two months since i’ve written in here. Well I lie I did write on September 13th but I must of misplaced the text file when I reformatted by hard drive… Not to worry, I’ve plenty to talk about right now. I’m currently listening to ‘suicide notes’ by zaril, its such sad and calm song, I really love it. Its on repeat right now, and it should get me through expressing my emotions on here.

Over the little time I’ve got to know Vicky, who plays a big role in my life right now. My emotions have shifted from good to bad, and bad to good within hours. It seems strange how at the beginning we’ve started out like this. And yet curiosity plays into my mind since I would like to see if my quote is true or not… ‘true brightness of love evolves from the dark…’ For Vicky and I have been mostly fighting over her insecurities and neurotic thoughts when apart. Strangely, the more and more I look into Vicky’s beautiful grey-blue eyes, the more I see many parts of myself embedded inside her deepest thoughts. Its like looking into a living mirror… I think its good for her to have met someone like myself, who can truly understand those neurotic surges of jealously and paranoia running through the heart and mind. For when I was with Megan, there came a point where I was very suspicious of ‘what’ she might do with other guys. Even if they were just mere friends amongst whom to socialise with. And yet my undying love for her was spawned a root of negative emotions flying straight into my analytic mind. It was as if, the more I thought about it, the more my heart would ached until I exploded onto Megan, with blocks of pain directed at her. And yet, I believe my experience with her has made me a better person from the ground up. Its filled in a lot of things wrong about me, simply because I am with Vicky now and all those ‘evil’ thoughts haven’t appeared inside me. And if they do, I am sure I can deal with them more easily.

This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotions! Yet I think I might actually like this… (lol weird me) I guess I like feeling strong passionate bond emotions and experiences. I love living my life like that most of the time. Remember though, I do have a powerful rational and logical side as well that helps deal with the flare to live on the edge. Well my weekend started off really nicely as I meet Vicky at the train station, I got her home on a lovely sunny Saturday midday. We were both quite hungry, and as there was no cooked food in the house. I decided to make some rice and curry chicken with some lovely green peppers to add to the taste of it all… (mmm lovely…) Later on that day, she became upset about her insecurities, seeing the FHM calendar up on my wall with all those model/pop-star women posing really put a nail in her. As I saw her questioning why she was this way from the look in her glittering eyes. I don’t understand why she feels that way, as she is a beautiful girl with amazing features. So I thought it was best to give her the ring I ordered for her birthday now, rather than later as she looked quite upset. We decided to take the bus to central london, because we would have a much nicer view across london and it would cheaper for me! lol She was curious to know where I would take her as she already had the ring placed on her finger. I would it would be romantic to come back to where we first kissed on that magical date… We were walking on the bridge that looked over the London Eye.

We stood there and looked down onto the lights simmering over the calm Thames waters. I told her, that this was the place where I was gonna give her the ring and recite the poem I wrote for her ‘one thought’. But since I gave her the ring already and forgot to memorize my poem, I looked into my heart and I decided to spontaneously tell her how I feel for her poetically (of course). She was about cry as she heard my soft voice whispering sweet nothings into her ear. On the sunday morning, me and Vicky nearly broke up. I was annoyed by her paranoid attitude to towards me, this was on the morning of Sunday. I felt a coldness amongst those eyes of hers… I tried to cheer her up as her eyes lingered towards the television screen. I said a couple of silly jokes and that made her smile. Her eyes peered down towards me and she muttered ‘so you trying to make me happy, so we can have sex?’ That completely shattered me inside, shattered everything we had and fought for. We didn’t talk for quite a bit, and she was deciding to go home, she said that I should keep the ring I brought for her, since nothing right was happening this weekend. I took that really badly, and while she was packing, I told her to take the Harry Potter book I was reading back (i borrowed it from her). She looked at me with complete shock and reacted to that action with ‘so its over?’.

I kept my mouth shout to reply to her question. She ended up on the floor with her head in between her knees, tears of love pouring out. That single moment cracked my heart open, and I gave her a warm secure hug. I kissed her on head and on the mouth. I told Vicky about this saying I have, ‘a kiss on the head is a sign of respect, a kiss on the check is sign of friendship and a kiss on the mouth is a sign of love.’ I told her that I shouldn’t come over to hers next weekend because what she said and what happened. I asked her to be more confident and try to believe in herself more often, because it was straining our relationship. She tells me not to take it personally, but thats hard to do once your heart takes control of how you feel for that person. As the day lingered into a grey-dark afternoon, the wind outside was blowing vigorously onto my window. Talking between me and Vicky had improved and my love for her was more stronger, as thoughts of not seeing her next weekend, dulled my heart. Yet inside I realised it should really only strengthen our bond. Someone thing weird happened to me, I felt really sad and low when we walked out onto the pathway. This whole leaving thing was like flash back from near about a year ago. As I took Vicky to the station, I kissed her good bye and realised that there were delays on the central line. I felt really bad for her and I thought ‘good thing I gave her some chocolate to enjoy on the way home…’ (how nice am I!)

I switched on my iPod to a song, entitled ‘suicide note’ by none other than zaril… As I walked down the grey battered path, memories of me and Megan came rushing back to my head. That late October when her parents where in London and she came to stay with me for a week. It was exactly the same, everything about it, the windy weather, the low grey afternoon. As I stared onto the shadows of the leaves casted on the pavement. The yellow streets lights guided my way home, my heart felt so hurt inside. I thought to myself, is the reason why I’m sad because I miss Megan or Vicky? But I knew then, that Megan’s poison still runs within my body. I was thinking, why can’t I get rid of her inside me?!? Why can’t she leave my heart? And why do I still think of her…? Those questions, I still can’t answer, however when I know why, I think I will get over her. I have to say though, that being with Vicky more, has really helped me settle and push away my feelings and thoughts of Megan. Which is really good, cos it means that I am falling more and more for Vicky. I just hope she doesn’t break my heat, as I am growing quite attached to my dear angel Vicky…

I think back to how bad I was to Megan, and hurts me inside to think such thoughts. It hurts even more to realise that everytime she said she loved me, I would stink her soul with my jealous thoughts/arrogance. I feel a tear coming on as the music I listen to really sets into my heart… The soft piano is really pushing out my sad emotions, as I think I need to cry and suffer emotionally as Megan did when I was blasting out assumptions. To think that she still wanted to be my friend afterwards always makes me smile, but I believe that my only fault was my jealously. It put massive pressure on both of us, young and lively, and both of us striving to succeed passionately in life. But seriously, she has made me a better person, and for that I can’t thank her enough. I plan to send her a nice letter and some lilies for her birthday, I hope she likes them and accepts my friendship again.

My confidence seems almost unbreakable right now, I’ve been applying to jobs and giving out my cv to many internet websites. I got a reply about from monster.co.uk the following day I applied. They called me in the early morning of a past monday, asking if I could like to come for an interview regarding an IT job earning around £18k – £22k starting salary with 6 months training. I thought why not! I asked the lady to email all the details to me so I could meet her on Monday. But strangely I never got that email or another phone from her. My Mother has also been trying to get me some part time work (she is the best mother in the world!! seriously!). She found a job for me making a website for a sony camera manual from this tv company called ‘world televsion’, I got dates to meet up for an interview and what the website evolves. And again, strangely they turned me down for another person with more experience than me. I guessed the leader of the website department wasn’t impressed enough with my website.

She probably didn’t believe I had enough experience and don’t know HTML as much she would like. But I never got down about it, which was weird. I got really mad! I realised that my work isn’t good enough, and that I need to work harder to achieve my goals in life. I really need to completely stun people out with my intelligence and design skills. I better keep practicing then! Oh and another thing, I have been using a problem called DVD Studio Pro 2 (by Apple, which I must say took me 1 day to learn around 70% of it! Aren’t I clever now?!) and I have completed version 2 of my DVD portfolio, and I must say its looking quite modern and flash as design go… Well anway, its 01:13 now and I think its time I got some sleep. I feel better for writing in here now actually, really got my thoughts sorted And I got my change of name deed as well!! Woohoo! I am officially Halmat Ferello now

I haven’t written in my journal for ages! I am sorry for the people reading this and probably getting annoyed about where my latest journal has been for the past month or so… oops I will try harder to get things down, I think i will write on my laptop more often, just allows me to write anyway where in the house instead of locked up in my room, typing away on my desktop machine with no where to relax and escape from the harsh responsibilities of everyday life. Its quite nice actually, my laptop’s keys are very soft and the screen isn’t damaging my eyes either… well hopefully… My iBook is cute and compact just like the way I like my women (lol only kidding)

Love is quite strange, I might of said this millions of times! lol But it is, it craves the way we think and feel about our choices in the future. For example, my past experiences with girls have taught me a lot about how to treat people and what is right inside your heart is sometimes more important to follow than what other people tell you. Because I have learnt that only through suffering and pain do we truly progress in life. I have realised this more with everyday I am alive… And when someone tells you not to do that or this, I believe that sometimes we have to let that person make a mistake for he/she to actually progress in their life. Especially when it comes to love, if you tell a person ‘don’t go out with her, she is a bitch…’ that thought still lingers on inside you. And you think to yourself ‘what if she wasn’t one, and maybe if i went out with her it would be different’. Sometimes this maybe the case, but I think that unless that human being doesn’t follow their heart sometimes they lives will always be covered in darkness, to allow themselves to be truly free for at least one day. To feel the wind brush against your face while standing on a bridge that overlooks the horizon. That kind of feeling will always stay in your heart and memories. Its important for people to let fate control their lives for awhile, so their minds don’t literally explode, its also important to let go of all negative emotions on you. It kind of helps give your brain a restart, or reboot… lol sorry about using computer terms, but its literally like that with me. My mind feel more at ease when I just relax and free myself of all the stress in my life. Even love can be stressful remember that…

The more I grow to know Vicky, the more I understand about her past hurtful relationships. We had a bit of an argument about me having ‘lots’ of pictures of women on my computer, they were just simple background pictures of famous models or movie stars. But Vicky got a bit upset about seeing all those women on my computer, when the other day I was at her house, I was joking around but she must of thought I was upset about her background pic of orlando bloom. I wasn’t really bothered, women are allowed to fantasize about other men, as the same with us men. Its a way of refreshing your mind, helps you appreciate the person you are with. Anyway, she said some very nasty things to me, I can’t remember what exactly, but it was a dagger into my heart. I couldn’t believe angelic Vicky could say things like that, yet I wasn’t completely surprised, as my past theories about people’s personalities became more true. Where, if a person is very nice and calm, they will certainly have a very dark and evil side to them as well. It helps keep a balance of life, as a plain person won’t have much of an aggressive side. Back to the story, Vicky ended up saying she was really sorry, and would do anything to make to me happy again. So I told her to write a love letter to me, show me how she felt for me. And we wouldn’t talk until I got my letter.

The last day I got a call from Vicky, lol, i was thinking I thought I told her not to call me. But it made me happy in way, cos that phone call just shows she really cares for me. And really the reason why I told her not to call me that i would call her when I got the letter was kind of a test of her love to me. Because if didn’t call me, then I would know how much she really loved me, but since she called me straight away shows she is very passionate and caring person. However, you remember the theory have about people’s personalities ‘balance of life’, well with this passion and care, there also comes jealously and insecurities. Thats the way the mind works, you will hardly find anyone who is passionate but not jealous, very hardly… Or caring but not insecure, you might find someone who is, and the reason why they might be is through what fate has brought them and what they have learned from their experiences. Back to the love letter story with Vicky, well she wrote a lovely letter, but the first page was about her ex boyfriend, Stuart Patterson, she said he was very evil person, making her feel low by telling her that he would have sex with that girl if she just asked him… That really got me thinking about why Vicky was acting so rude to me. That moment it came to me that it really wasn’t Vicky’s fault she acted in such a paranoid manner, but her past experiences literally craved her thoughts on other men. And thats why she thought I was gonna do the same to her. Thats what is strange about me really, with every new person I met or every girl I fall in love with, I have a clean sheet of thought for them. I never judge a new person with my past experiences, I might use my past experiences to help me understand people more. Its a good feeling to have really, it makes me nice to everyone that I met. I am off to eat something, I will complete it when I’ve had some food in my stomach.

I feel so glowing, for I look at myself and I honestly can’t think of a reason to be sad. Other than that my university degree is in a bit of mess and finding work is quite hard for me right now. I have decided to change my surname from Omar to Ferello, I think it will me reach my goals more quickly. I seriously just need a small opening in the career world to make my impression on other people. For the feedback I have got about my poetry, photography and other talents, was always positive in nature. And all that stands in my way is the door of opportunity, for I feel I have the power to achieve whatever I desire in my heart. I think its better I change my name, for at present I see the name Omar being throw around with the terrorists. As an employee’s perspective I don’t believe I would get an equal opportunity because of my last name. Yet it doesn’t angry me, I can simply understand why employees would do think this way, its not their fault. I blame the media for brainwashing everyone from the truth, you get fed what you see, not what is happening…

As I carry on to embrace the love and attention I get from Vicky. I have prematurely opened up areas in her life which she wanted to keep on the sidelines for now. As I discover that all human beings have their own insecurities and doubts about themselves. For its really those negative emotions that make us human, as ironic it is, the people that show no emotions have the most fears held deep inside. The more and more you creep into another person’s world, the more you realise that we are all connected by the similar experiences we endure or enjoy in our lives. And its has come to me, that I am truly lucky, I must right now thank God and my mother for making this type of person, giving me this body, this mind, this soul.

We have come unbelievably close to each other, like two pieces of a heart, gently gliding into one another. The second time I met Vicky, we went to one of her friend’s birthday party. I forgot the name but she it was her 21st, and she seemed like a bright and cheerful person as I looked into her eyes. Vicky and I seemed so at peace when we held hands sitting close. Feeling the warm of her hand, the touch of her palm against me sent a burst of blood and emotions through my heart. When we reached her house, we decided to watch the DVD’s I brought, it was manga cartoons. The films were Blood: The Last Vampire and Perfect Blue. It was close to midnight, when we started kissing as I felt her hand stroke my face, she wasn’t bothered by my stubble or the slightly uncomfortable inclined position on the sofa. That really touched my heart, for the first I felt someone truly loving me for myself and not the superficial outside qualities. Thats right you heard me say ‘loving’, because right now I believe me and her were lovers before in a past life, and we have simply come back to finish this fairy tale of ours. Because it truly seems to good to be true with her, the way I have connected with her so quickly and smoothly, makes my heart go upside down. And for I am one to feel emotions more intensely because of my empathy, the feeling grow even more as she reached out and gave her heart to me. That night we had sex, you may believe it to be really quick, after 4 days of seeing each other, but I think it felt nature to me like we were just continuing off from where we stopped in our previous life.Another night to remember is when she came over to visit me.

After I called David to try to find the thames river near Chiswick, no luck. I guess it was too dark and I couldn’t really near or notice the water but we were basically just 30m walk from the water. Once we got home, I put on the movie, the Karma Sutra, an erotic love story. However, we couldn’t pay much attention to the movie, as I stared into her amazing sharp blue-grey eyes, I told her ‘i love you’ and to my happiness she said ‘i love you too’. It was quite strange for me though, because I didn’t have any fear about her not saying it back to me or being too scared not to say it to her. When I said it all I felt was emotions inside me waiting to explode if I hadn’t told her. Once the movie finished, we turned off the lights, and something amazing happened, something that I really haven’t felt before. The physical bonding of two souls, when she reached over to hug me I held her close in my arms, feeling across her back. She didn’t want to let go of me, that just surged my emotions into overdrive, and it happened. I felt that spark fly high inside me, I felt those goose pimples wrinkle all over my body. The first time in my life, I made love to a girl, and it felt so emotional, so spiritual, so indescribable, so pure…

The third time we meet at her house, and I decided to stay over for 2 nights till Monday. On the saturday we went out to a really nice place called Gibbert’s Garden, you could hear the whispering of the wind cast across the leaves and upon Vicky’s gentle yellow hair. As I turned and looked passionately into her eyes, feeling that glow inside in my heart, inside my soul… As we walked across and the gardens finding beautiful places to hold each other and enjoy the mystical view of the place. I explained to her my theory of us being lovers in another life, and thats the reason why its all so intense and surreal for both of us. As we got back from a hot and sweaty day out in the gardens, I could still smell the trees and leaves we were surrounded by, Vicky’s perfume was still lingering inside my nose. Filling me with happiness and thoughts of the future we could have awaiting us… We met up with her friend, Sara, as I looked into her eyes, I could sense a good heart inside her, one with pure intentions for her family and friends. Yet I felt hurt and pain as well… We ended up going clubbing, and dancing the night away as they say! I saw a couple of pretty girls on the dance floor, but I realised none of them really compared to Vicky as glazed through her window to her soul. I was praying that hopefully nothing could ruin this moment between us. We took a taxi home, and as I forgot the adapter to my mp3 player, so that we could play the music on her stereo. We both shared the music together, one ear phone for her, one for me. It really connected us again, as I now call it ‘physical bonding of souls’, I felt that deep, so deep, powerful feeling of love rush through me, like being struck by a bolt of lighting, in a good way of course… lol The song that bonded us so close, had to be ‘wicked game’ by Chris Issac, me and vicky decided that it should be our song. It only felt natural for it to be so…

I have had an amazing couple of weeks, my life has turned into a completely different world. From being depressed and feeling unloved, to getting a massive surge of attention and unexplainable emotions for a person I just recently met. Your mind sometimes wonders into a world of dreams and fantasies you wanna fulfill, yet with me my dreams are sometimes very just small things. Like finding the right person to fall in love with, take to special places, to enjoy life with someone who is very much like myself.

I might of found that person, who fulfills my needs in nearly every way. With the look from her beautiful eyes, to the smile that lights up her face. It was you can say fate for us to meet up. Our first date was just nature, after the first 1 hour together, I felt the nature condition of my body, mind and soul. I didn’t feel tense or nervous, the conversations and eye contact flowed throughout the passing hours. We were as I said in ‘motionless time’, where you lose track of time, space and reality because you are so deep inside something. But it was quite a trouble be in, we were so wrapped into each other, it was hard to watch out for the cars when we were crossing the streets… lol

I don’t know, but everything on that date seemed perfect, even our first kiss. We went for a nice, slow and peaceful walk along the Thames river, and kissed just along the sights of Big Ben and the London Eye. It was 9pm, the sun light was striking across the mellow sounds of the waters. As she reached across to kiss me, the touching of our lips was unforgettable, it was a direct burst of emotions through my body. I lost all thought of were I was, the only focus in my mind and heart was the kissing. Now I have to say for me to feel like, is quite something special, and I thought ‘wow this girl is special’. note: more to come once i have time…

Life is quite strange, and with me its always the same old story. I prefer being friends with the female species simply because they are much more emotionally intelligential people. And with this emotional depth, they can be more sensitive, more open to conversations that deal with anything. But because i am considered to be a good looking guy, and one with a beautiful personality. The girls i become friends if they aren’t usually with someone, somehow get attached to me a bit too much. And this type of relationship that encounters me usually ends in hurt and heartbreak for both parties… And this has happened again, between me and Nadean, her unusual jealously and obsessiveness towards me was self contained until it burst open when i become attached to Alexandria. Where it came to a point, where our conversations become very cold, and i felt as a human being that i couldn’t take anymore of this. It simply reminded me of the cold break up phase between me and Megan.

I just believe that she was being selfish in her nature, but i guess who wouldn’t be when it comes to love. No one wants to share someone else’s love and attention, and that eventually started breaking at her and cracking away at our friendship. Yet there was a point where me and her were really close and were about to meet. I eventually gave up, because i just thought she didn’t want to meet me, simple as that. Because she never asked her parents if i could stay, if she was eager to meet me then she would ask! But she always kept changing the subject or redirecting my questions about it or making the embarrassed face on msn. Then once she become cold as a the Arctic winds that circle in the north pole, i just thought, she doesn’t really care for me… She i texted her, saying ‘thats it nadean, i’ve had enough of this… good bye forever…’ I was being completely serious about it, i don’t think she knows it, because many times over i caved in and started talking to her again. Or she forgave me and we talked again…

But either way, i have deleted her number from my mobile, have also deleted her address and her contact on my msn. I was gonna keep her address because she still meant a lot to me. But once i read her blog, and her complete ignorance towards the way she was handing our situation i just simply deleted everything to do with her. I don’t hate her, and maybe in a couple of years when she is mature enough to handle her emotions, then maybe we can actually meet and get our friendship back. But right now that is very unlikely, i wish her all the best in life. And she is a very good digital artist, hard worker, i wish her all the best in life, i truly do. All my intentions were good, but i guess my stubbornness to know when to stop arguing, combined with her ignorance to accept the truth just exploded. Oh well, life goes on…

I had a really interesting time on Sunday, I met three very very interesting ladies. What annoys me is that they were quite much older than me, which disappointed me. Because they were all very pretty and intelligent, just what i want from the woman of my dreams. I love that combination of sex appeal and intelligence. I could just imagine my wife, laying on the bed with her semi naked body exposed to my nosey eyes, and looking at reading book with some sexy glasses on… mmm that would be heaven for me… Anyway, it was so so weird, but i was talking to of the ladies, who had exactly the same astrology book as me! I was so shocked, and it was even more interesting when one of them was the same sun sign as me, the same rising sign as me and the same venus sign as me!! My god, the possibility of us meeting was one in the millions… Truly amazing, her friend was really really beautiful. She was a pieces and had the most heart-stopping eyes i have ever seen… She was quite similar to me as well, in the way she loved very passionately in the first couple of months then you kind of burn yourself out way too quickly… I felt exactly the same way, where for the first couple of months i put my heart and soul into a relationship. But then it just becomes boring for me… And sadly, i feel the same way for Alexandria, i really should tell her that, because the truth is good. I would still love to be friends with her, but i feel uncomfortable knowing that she loves me, and i don’t feel the same way for her. I don’t why i feel this way, maybe the similarities between us weren’t exactly the same after all. I just hope she doesn’t get upset about it, and because she is an optimist person maybe she will stay on the right side of the emotional scales…

I’ve had a pretty much depressing night… Nadean hasn’t been helping, she went off into a stubborn emotional mood. And we are constantly arguing about silly little things… its getting really annoying!

I have missed Megan even more tonight, i was looking at her pictures and just thinking about what she might be doing right now. It put tears into my eyes and they dripped down my cheek as i was feeling lonely without her. As my heart was reaching out for her, as my mind was contemplating about the past times, something amazing happened… something that made me smile and glow inside. Megan called me tonight!! Can you believe that?!? I was stunned to see ‘Megan’ on my mobile come up… And what was even more wonderful was that she felt completely the same, as in, she missed me. It really touched my heart, she said she missed my hugs and holding me. She was set in tears on the phone, as i was talking about what was going on with university and the fact that i missed her. I hope my words comforted her. She said she was sorry for being a bit of a bitch last time we spoke, when i tried to tell her that i still loved her. But i explained to her, that what she said was understandable and i wasn’t bothered by it anymore. She said she would call me soon, which gave me comfort in knowing that she still cares or feels for me.

Its really late but i feel quite spiritual, thats right, hal is on a roll… Even the night sky isn’t tempting to sleep. While i am quietly typing away here and listening to ‘Forgiven’ by Alanis Morissette and thats right i couldn’t spell her and had to copy and paste her song… sad i know, but thats what you get for using Word for years… that damn dictionary is a life saver sometimes but also a brain killer… I have started to get going on with publishing some of my poetry, so i decided to apply for this poetry awards, the first prize is £5000!! WOW!! I would love to win! I could get myself a new PowerMac G5 dual 2GHz computer! Oh yeah… lol i am such a nerd sometimes, i should really go on holiday and visit the places my heart wonders about. I would love to go to the Aztec pyramids of Mexico and feel the winds from the mountains of Peru slide across my face. And i would love to see the Roman buildings in Italy, even drop by India and just take in the amazing atmosphere of the green lands and warm people. I also emailed a couple of publishing agencies, i hope they like the poem i sent with my email, ‘the vision of closure’. We’ll have to wait and see how everything turns out for me… I am in two states, either I am gonna make it big time, or i am gonna be stuck in a crappy job… I am hoping for the first option, thank you very much… lol

I haven’t written in my journal for ages! It has been a long time actually, I guess a lot has been going through my mind at the moment. I got my results, and sadly my 3 year degree has been turned into a 4 year degree. I really don’t mind, i guess its for the better. It allows me to concentrate on my final year project more effectively. I always say everything happens for a reason, well for me it does. But i love sitting here in my kitchen and typing away on my laptop, its so cool Just to get away from that logical and same-boring place of computer desk.

I’ve had an interesting week, i went out to a wedding party on friday and i meet this really interesting girl called sarah. She was really pretty as well, she had very stunning eyes and a nice body. What was so interesting was that she was a photographer as well, just like me, doing it for fun and she loved taking portraits of people, like i do! And our conversation became even more interesting when we talked about star signs, she was a virgo, and she had a fascination of the fact that people you meet and grow fond of are usually the same star signs. And when you find out, it leaves you quite stunned and amazed. Well we were chatting away, and we both loved Al Pancio and the movie Scarface, that kept me smiling away at her. She was very intelligent and is currently doing her master degree. It kind of made me sad to be younger than her, because she seemed really nice as an overall person, and its always hard for me to find someone i like. My 2nd cousin, Miran came late to the party, and then decided to go clubbing, and asked me to come along. So i decided to leave the party and go with Miran. I could see something inside Sarah’s eyes, i could feel she wasn’t happy with me leaving the party, I guess she enjoyed talking to me. Which in a way made me feel good about it, you know, she liked talking to me and i wasn’t completely boring her out… I decided to get her email address rather than phone number, cos she might of thought that would of been a bit too obvious and up front to do that. I also said i was sorry for not asking her name, i guess we were deep into conversation that we forgot to ask.

But anyway Miran and I left to go clubbing, he was telling about how he was in-between three girls. It was quite of a pickle actually, but he said he liked this pretty girl called Claudia, and he asked her out. So i hope he is happy with her, and its pretty cool as well cos he is a promoter of clubs now, so he can get me in clubs without having to wait and stuff. I find that pretty cool! Some of Miran’s friends came along, they were pretty cold as in not friendly… Three girls came along, who were Miran’s friends as well, oh yeah he is pretty popular person right now! I wasn’t dancing much, which is strange because usually I am up front and loud person, but i don’t know the atmosphere and his friends weren’t exactly uplifting. One of the girls, i knew liked me straight away, because I could hear her talking to Miran about me and asking my name and stuff. It was unusual, because inside clubs the music is so loud, you have to shut to hear anyone. Well Miran eventually introduced me to this girl called Louise, I knew she liked me and all, yet after we said hey she went all cold on me… lol

So i thought, ‘ok ok, you made the effort to talk to me first so i will as well…’ And i found out she was a scorpio, its so weird how i keep meeting scorpio women all the time now, i might have before but now its becoming more obvious when i ask them. We didn’t talk much, so i started talking to her friend Mary, another scorpio lol! But she was more quite and shy type, which was strange cos i got on with her more than Louise. And i usually like the confident and loud type of girl. I eventually started dancing, but i really wasn’t feeling the beat that night, and Miran was a hell of a dancer, i felt a bit stupid dancing around him. And of course, I was wearing a jumper, so it was really hard to move around and i started to sweat like a bitch…! lol

Me and Nadean, are constantly having fights over the fact that i put Alexandria in my profile. I told her that she is a special to me, and so is Nadean, but in different ways. Nadean just thinks too negatively sometimes, and i think if she enjoys my company, then she shouldn’t really be annoyed about minor little things like that. You know she should look at the bigger picture of it, rather than be annoyed by those little aspects that we argue about ever so much more now. Yet its strange, we always seem to be cool down and be friends again straight afterwards… Thats makes me smile, because i know then that the argument wasn’t anything serious. Me and her don’t usually argue about anything serious, get along quite well i believe. Yet, what really annoys me, is that she so shy and weird about asking her parents if i could come over and stay there. Because seriously I am really bored of london, i just need a change of environment for a couple of days. I used to get that when visiting megan… I dont know, i won’t ask her again, until she has sorted it out with her parents.

Alexandria, just wrote another poem, but sadly not for me… (cries… lol only joking) Well, its about creation. Its so deep and lovely, i was smiling all the way through reading it. She seems very creative and intelligent girl for someone so young. I have gone through the poem, and she told me she wanted some constructive criticism, so i started changing some words around (you know make the poem more of a feel-good factor, rather than negative aspects ruining the feel of the poem). I don’t know, but i feel we have kind of grown apart from each other, but its probably because we haven’t spoken that often in these two weeks. But its summer, so i shouldn’t really let things like that bother me, plus i always have a good laugh and interesting conversation when she comes online.

I am watching this movie last night, called Indecent Seduction, and its so so strange, because when I was with Megan, i kept telling her about how she looked like an actress when she smiled. And the film i am watching is the one the actress is in!!! Her name is Nicholle Tom, she just so reminds me of Megan, and its kind of killing me inside… I still love her deeply and how she doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore or even get in contact is ripping my heart apart… And looking at Nicholle just reminds me of her, its weird, me and Megan weren’t that compatible with each other, but i loved her so much… I don’t know how she feels for me, i guess she wants to get as far as she can with me… She deleted me off her msn list, so i deleted her then she added back again. Then deleted me again, I haven’t spoken to her for weeks now… its not nice, i wont wanna bother by emailing her or phoning her. Maybe she doesn’t wanna speak to me again because everytime she does, it reminds her of the past and that hurts her deep inside. And right now, i am still thinking about her, i really can’t get her out of my head, i guess, i can control my mind, but my heart just wants to love constantly and i have no power over love… You know, it hurts me even more that she grew fond of a guy called craig. That hurts me as well, but life’s a bitch and nothing is perfect…

My week has been going pretty well I guess, things between me and nadean were really bad at the weekend, she was so emotional. I think it might of been because of her up-coming periods, which usually make any woman quite emotional. We were arguing over simple and stupid things, but the fact-of-the-matter for was the principle of it all. We were fighting over the tourist-populated areas of Spain, and now you may think this is silly to fight. Well it was, looking back at it now… Then again we started an argument about Portals and Directories . I was trying to explain to her that a portal is a web page that has links to other web sites. Thats what portals do! And she was claiming that portals are just for web cams… I was saying that she assumes too much in life and should really know the proper facts before making such committed remarks. However, Nadean and I are now back on track as friends again. Its strange though, because after those fights I feel slightly closer to her, which is nice to feel…

I wrote a poem the other day called the ‘the box’, i was just listening to some of the remixes done by orbital. And my mind just clicked and i started writing away… There music touches my mind on many levels, their style of music takes a while to get to understand and enjoy. But since i have adapted my hearing taste, its been delightful to listen their many albums everyday. The way Orbital create some of their tracks is simply beautiful… Their style of electric beats varies from album to album, and thats what I love about them. They aren’t afraid to try some new and different and see how it goes. Well back to my poem, its about me (lol of course!), I was thinking about describing myself in the form of a box. And believe or not, this poem is really special to me, one of my best (but i do have a lot of good poems, well ones that i love a lot…). I talk about different physical aspects of a box and transform them into physical/spiritual which i think lay inside/outside me. I showed it to Alexandria and Nadean, and both have returned good compliments about it. My mum is so wonderful sometimes, she always wants to help me out and do things good for my future. Yet as a son, sometimes I feel in conflict with her, but its only natural for a conflict of two stubborn personalities. And the fact that my mother had to rise two children up, doesn’t make her a complete softly now, does it?”

I have got back into contact with a good friend Ikran, she is another leo, but the similarities between Alexandria and Ikran are quite there… Well she has been having a great year, her good friend from Japan left a couple of days ago. And poor Ikran sprained her ankle while helping a friend paint the walls in his house. What’s weird, is that Alexandria is a bit more dynamic, in the way she thinks, Ikran is very traditional type of leo, family, morals, etc. While Alexandria, seems to have many more deeper desires (hehe), and the waves of words that fly through her make perfect sense to me. Alexandria is a really good realist, the things that she comes out with are exactly in tune with my morals or thoughts on the mind. I have started becoming more friendly to tina again, I decided to meet her in university on monday, then go out and have a chat, maybe catch a movie. We met, i casually gave her a kiss and hug. We talked for while on the talk, me always linking everything with sex… lol I noticed the girl to my left on the train had a smirk on her face. I knew she liked what i talking about… lol Me and tina were talking about names on the train, it was a strange and unusual conversation, nothing really too exciting. But nevertheless we had some fun looking around the shops and making tina try on some things. And I do like going into the ladies underwear section, and checking out the latest in ‘thong fashion’. I saw so many bright colours around topshop, I didn’t really like what they had on display, the style was too 80′s it will nice on some people, but otherwise it was a bit trashy for my liking… But hey thats only my opinion…

We decided to catch a film near Marble Arch, we wanted to watch Anger Management, but that wasn’t on till around 6pm and it was only 4:45pm. So we went for ‘identity’ which was showing at 4:55pm, perfect timing. I could see tina was trying to be nice, she wanted to pay for the tickets, but I couldn’t her to do and as consequence we had a bit of confusion at the ticket area. We eventually got into the screen, and i am sorry to say but the screen was pissfully small!! Tina just went into it and started laughing, we had our seats reserved however we didn’t bother, and find some seats near the middle back. The film was truly brilliant, i loved nearly every minute of it. i saw the adverts and thought it might not be good, but once i was in my seats, i felt every emotion in the cinema. From laughter to chills were going through my system. I won’t go into explaining what the film is about, its very interesting and lucky for me, it had a twisted plot. I always love twisted plots, where at the end you say ‘oh shit! damn… that was cool, i never realised’.

On Tuesday when I came home from some tennis playing in our local tennis courts. I decided to have a shower to rid myself of all the sweat and stink that was floating around in the air and on my clothes. Because I haven’t played sports lately, I was easily tired by the couples of games. So after my delightful shower, I had a nap… What a long nap it was… lol But anyway I had another weird dream, how it was about Alexandria and I…

It first started off with me being in a church, the atmosphere was dark and low key. The walls were shades of green, as if we were underground somewhere. And the ceiling was very low as well. I was hiding inside this pillar, I don’t why, but it had a little hiding camber… So all these robots came in and started scaring the people away, while i was hiding inside this camber. I knew they were fake, because I had something to do with them. Then the dream skipped, to this fat lady talking about this new broad game she was making. In churches you have those benches, with a little gap in the middle, while I was sitting on bench, Alexandria was on the opposite bench across from me. I was whispering to Alexandria, ‘broad games are really coming back aren’t they?’ I was thinking about investing some money into this woman’s project. Then I just felt this massive need to lean over and kiss Alexandria… She leaned over as well, and i held her in upright with one of my arms. As my dream focused on her dark blonde hair and lovely tan-like skin… I felt the kiss, I saw her gentle lips softly but passionately kiss mine… It wasn’t one of those kiss where it had to lead to something else, but it felt like a kiss of love, it was quite nice in my dream actually… After our first kiss, I felt as if Alexandria wanted more, because I could hear quite breathing and felt it on lips, as our lips touched one more time…

I had a weird dream about megan and her family yesterday, and it felt so real as well. We were inside of these very expensive apartment buildings. They lived on the 7th floor and I lived on the 2nd floor. The dream started with me on my computer, browsing through the internet and finding some stuff on karma and relaxing. Then, I was in the lift, with Megan, her mum and her brother. It was really weird and silent trip up the lift, I don’t know but I didn’t get off the 2nd floor where I lived. But I went on with them to the 7th floor. Then as they were about to leave the lift, Megan’s mum, Kathy, turned and said ‘i know it was you who sent that book on relaxation…’ And the look that she gave me was one of thanks and ‘you are a really great person’. It was one of also sorrow, maybe she was thinking why me and megan couldn’t get along…

I guess the reason why i dreamt of her, I was missing her this couple of days, you know just thinking about the past times. Because we met in the summer, and that time of season is coming around. The sun and hot weather is reminding me of her, and the way we were… But life goes on, with or without my doubts…

Its so late, and yet my body feels in an timeless state. I have been through a lot this week… From confusion, to love, to angry, to sadness and to realisation. I been through it all, maybe because I am an emotional type of person, and my way of living is experience my emotions ten times fold. Maybe its the only way I can actually live through life… This music I am listening to, is so beautiful, indian music makes me wanna cry all the time, its really weird feeling I get. I guess my crush on Ashiwarya Rai is brought up in me, the first time I saw her in a movie, God her beauty captured me in ways I couldn’t imagine. But I love the way the indian movies are laid out sometimes, always about love and respecting the family. The music really moves me… This track I am listening to is a remix by Orbital, entitled ‘Pal Pal Tori Yaad’ and with heart warming voice is Falguni Pathak signing along to the music. Today I was dancing to this song, and my mum came into my room, and I saw the glow on her face, when she looked at me dancing. She said ‘you must of been an indian in a past life…’. I gave her a passionate loving smile and carried dancing to the rhthym of the music. I must of seriously been listening to this song all day, around 5 hours of non-stop and I haven’t become bored of it! lol. Its just filled with so much emotion, so much passion, so much love. Her voice makes me dream and fade away… We had to go to my mum’s friend’s house today, as normal Kurdish people love to pay their respects. And on the way I had this song playing on my iPod, and i could see the sunlight casting onto the building as we crossed the highways through central london. I was contemplating about how the trees waved in the wind, and they were shaped, and how wonderful nature is.

I was thinking about Alexandria’s comments, how she thought about the trees, and the way they moved and looked. I feel so much emotion for her, my heart goes out to her. But in a way, I feel sorry for myself and her. We live so far away and we digging ourselves a hole of pain. She wrote a beautiful poem, which I will always keep in my heart and soul. She has touched me in ways never felt before in my life. The yesterday, Alexandria wrote me an email, it really made sad but happy… lol It was so weird, she is so intelligent and realistic. She knows that we many never meet, but that at least I have brought her a little taste of heaven. Just that part, moved me so much. But right now I can’t stop falling even though I know that hole might kill me…

Oh love is so blind and self-sacrificing. I really need to think about our situation, because I have been through this with Megan, I know how love acts and what it does to the heart, mind and soul. And maybe its better to stop being so optimistic and think about what the relationship is gonna do for us… or maybe I should just follow my heart and believe in fate, oh my mind and soul go through a lot to put up with my heart sometimes… grrr at my heart… I always get into these phases, where I feel the need to kill myself, to end all these massive emotions rushing through me. But I think about all the ability I have, all the wonderful people I have touched and made feel better about themselves… Yet I feel the need to do this, I can’t understand why and its just there… Alexandria was right about me being a complex person, yet i love myself for being so different to most of the male nation all around the world. I have discovered that being sincere, honest, kind and not forgetting humour, gets you a lot in the female’s heart. Once they realise you process such qualities its hard for them not to like you…

I have started speaking to Tina again, Rob was online and said that tina is upset about me blocking her on msn. But come on, who couldn’t… what she done changed everything between us, she hasn’t just stirred the friendship we have, but added her own potion of disrespect. And now, it just tastes like something completely different… I know things between us can’t never be the same, I simply just see her in a different light. I started to speak to her about that night, because Rob asked me to, i really did it for his sake because he is a great friend and our connection is a strong one. I spoke to her all for like an hour about it, she keep denying all the things I heard and noticed about them that night. She keep denying it, maybe I was wrong to say they had sex then? Maybe I was hearing things… But if this true, then why would tina and ben lift the covers if she told me that she was really cold just a half an hour ago before they slept? And why would see ben going to the toilet with his top off? Why did ben turn up the music? Why did they keep asking themselves ‘is he asleep…?’ If it were just plain kissing and nothing more sinister, she would actually answered my questions rather then redirect them and keep saying ‘brb’ or ‘hang on’. Oh well I really don’t care anymore, they both hurt me and embarrassed me a lot… And i really hate when people disrespect me, it drives me up the ladder of hate.

I think she was upset about the fact, i told her that things could never be the same and we might never be ‘close friends’, maybe it made her shed tears, who knows. And now it has come to me, Megan doesn’t need to call me or see how I am, simply because I don’t see her, she lives like 300 miles away from me and yet she wants to call me and see how I am… That is just so so beautiful and fills my heart with happiness, yet making my eyes fluid with tears… That is just so weird, I am happy she cares for me, yet i am crying right now because of it… lol I have to also thank Nadean, she always texts me, and its nice to see that someone else is there for you and really cares. I also have to thank Alexandria, she emails me nearly everyday praising me and loving me with all her heart, mind and soul. Its so weird, yet I feel so empty inside, all these wonderful girls care for me, and yet I can’t physically look into their eyes, or see them smile. Thats hurts me so much… its beyond what words can express… Its like the being stuck in a jail cell, blind folded, and not being able to touch, or see them… All you can hear is their voices. Thats cracks at my heart every time i think about it…

God I have had such a horrible weekend. It started from good/happy to worse and to completely fucked in the head… It started out from I got some tickets booked for a comedy club called Jongleurs. My friend Ben said we should all go there, because a lot of famous comedians started out or even perform there (i.e. gram norton). So I went onto their website and checked out the location, it seemed quite good, I decided to look for alternatives. i.e. some clubs near central london, so that if no one liked the place we would of went to another place. It was so weird though, i was gonna go back to the Jongleurs, when I couldn’t access the website address lol. i was gonna go crazy! Being clever me! lol I did a search on google and found a website which had a 2 for 1 offer on Jongleurs! So called up the hotline and booked 6 seats for Ben, Tina, Alev, Rob, Claudia and I. Claudia couldn’t make it because she had her sister over… so it was just the five of us. I meet Rob on the exact train, exact carriage! That was so weird! It was cool though, we then found out that Alev was on the same train as well.

We got to the club and per usual ben and tina couple had to be late… But eventually got into the club, and to my surprise, we got front seats!! woohoo! lol the guy on the phone was like ‘sorry you will have restricted view’ of what? the comedian’s head? lol! This bald guy came on, he was the introducer and a comedian himself, he got us into the mood… lol then the comedians rolled on… There was an indian guy, he was really funny, but a bit racist and sexual on stuff… The next one was an american.. grrr… lol nothing against them, but he wasn’t really that funny at all. But however the most funniest comedian was this scottish one! lol he was making everyone laugh including himself! He was doing a joke about pot noodles, and he talked about when an audience member shouted out that in australia they called is ’2 min noodles’ however, the comedian thought he said ‘too many noodles’ and was like ‘bloody hell! thats great! must been from the makers of too much spaghetti’. The last comedian came and he started talking about his wonderful experience in Singapore. He told us about the most strange law ever, where you can’t have oral sex if is sexual intercourse doesn’t follow… lol! He was like ‘so how does his work? you get police squads kicking down doors, saying put down the penis! stay away from the penis…!’ lol He was cracking up everyone. Then he was said any single guys out there…? i was the only one who put my hand up!! I thought oh well, only one with guts… he got my details, and found out I was a student ‘studying multimedia!!’ lol… he also said ‘ermm.. he is student so no good eh…?’ lol

The comedian also asked for the single ladies out there… and surprisingly only one girl put her hand up… She seemed like a fiesty one to me (hehe)Then after that, they cleared the floor for some dancing… (oh yeah) It was really fun, i was showing my moves per usual… lol A couple of ladies, saw my hip movements and were laughing, but i knew it was more of the ‘wow amazing’ laughter… i have seen that kind of laughter from ladies before… i said to them ‘its all in the hips…’ After 2 hours or so of dancing, I got so tired… I sat down, and I looked across the room, and saw that girl that put her hand up. And I don’t know it was but she completely captured me… One thing I noticed about her, even though I don’t like smokers, was rather put out her cigarette in the ash tray, she just threw it away… mmm i found that to be quite sexy indeed. And as I stared at her constantly after that, the way she was dancing on her lone at the top of part of the club area. It felt like the flow of water, the way her hands shadowed across her body, and how she moved her feet in tune to the bass music being pumped out by the speakers above us. I must of been staring at her for ages, and she noticed, then confidently putting me out to her friends… Towards the end of the club night, she came on the dance floor, while i was sitting down looking at her with my eyes in main focus upon hers. She was turning around and giving me deep looks, which felt really nice… My friends wanted to leave and go home, so did I really, but first I had to do something about that fiery girl at the club, so I wrote my number down, and give it to one of her friends to give to her… We’ll have to wait and see if she calls me… hardly likely… but fate has brought me more stranger things in life.

We eventually had to get a taxi home, but because it was so expensive, I had to sleep over at Ben’s house… now was that a big mistake… Tina seemed to be in unusual mood, when i talked about her sisters, i could see the coldness in her eyes… the hate in her eyes… She never liked me talking about her sisters, its weird I never knew why… While she was pressed against Ben, stretching across the pan of the seats in the back. She had this sinister glare in eyes. And she causally asked me about how I felt about a threesome… And looked back with a ‘what the fuck are you talking about?’ look on my face, and asked her ‘what with you and ben? you must kidding…! (lol) Maybe if it was girl and girl, then i wouldn’t mind a threesome, but you and ben! lol..!’ That capped her mouth really good… When we got out of the taxi, I helped tina out of the car, being the gentleman I am, because she had trouble with her shoes. But as the multi-level psychologist i am, i noticed that she kept holding my hand after I helped her out… This lead me to think something was on her, now highly-activate mind. We got into Ben’s place, and I rushed into the toilet, i was dying for a piss…! mmm that felt good, lol… While i was washing my hands in the bathroom, I noticed my eyes were a really light shade of brown. I saw what Tina put on, the cuteness of her pj’s gave her an eerie cover of innocence, as she begin to brush her teeth with the ever-so-popular buzzing of an electric toothbrush. As i said to her ‘no wonder its popular with women, its got a lot of functions and vibration on it…’ Ben put on a symphony of chilled out music, ranging from the ever calm beats to the mellow hums of indian singing… As I looked into red-shot eyes of tina, i really saw a side of her I never thought I would encounter upon our time as friends. My eyes pierced into her ever blackening soul, as I felt the woman behind the cute structure tina. The smoke filled the room with a sense of tension between the candles that light up and the person I was staring at… The nervous shaking she was enduring, made me feet as if something was gonna happen between those two. She was telling me a pack of lies ‘its really cold’ ‘oh this place is really getting quite chilly’. As I lay there on the sofa, with a ever-considered look on my face, i felt the smoke pass across me…

We finally said ‘night night’ to each other, but i sensed that it wasn’t good night for tina and ben, but the beginning of a sexual encounter for both of them. Tina even had the disgrace of asking to come and join in ‘there is room for three’, maybe she speaking under the influence of the whatever she had inside her lungs. But even a comment as such that is not to be taken lightly, simply because of what happened next. I could hear the whispering of both, ‘is he asleep…?’ as I lay 2 feet away from their now dark double bed. As i saw the cover kept on moving, I felt the need to interrupt their little experience with one another. But being two of one of my closest friends, confusion rushed through my head. ‘Maybe they are just cuddling…? maybe they having sex..?’, but to a point I could hear them, the slurping of the tongue, the breathing of their mouths… the disgust filling my ears… The sweat and tension inside me grinding its way across my back. As I tried to sleep over what was happening… I wanted to leave, (so badly) but realistically, i couldn’t without making both of them realise i was trying to escape. Because all my stuff was separated from each other, my keys, mp3 player, and coat at one place, and my socks and shoes at another… I was thinking about running away when ben went to the toilet…

I guess i froze, not able to do anything, i was stuck in a time frame i couldn’t escape from… It reached 9:44am as woke up from the sofa, engulfed in sweat, smoke, and disgust, i collected all my things and said my good byes. I was walking as fast as I could trying to get away from the pain and sights I had seen upon. The morning-after was a grey and chilled one, the people I walked past all unaware of the happenings in my mind. When i got to the train station, i texted tina saying ‘i told you i was a light sleeper! you should of waited till i was gone, before you done that…’ Her petty response being ‘oh i am sorry, it never meant to happen… blah blah…’ She tried to ring my home phone but I never picked up, I wanted to make her feel the mental stress I underwent… I got a pathetic text from ben too ‘oh sorry dude… i have been in a situation like that before… you know what its like being a guy…’ more bullshit imprinted onto my mobile phone. And since that, I haven’t spoken to tina or ben, and don’t plan on doing for quite awhile…

More stress and emotional discomfort for me on this grey weekend. As Nadean, went into a massive outbreak of heartache and crying because of me. My affection and feelings for Alexandria, caused her to feel this way, but I say to myself and others out there, you love with your heart not your mind, and the heart loves only what it desires not what it sees practical… I was going through complete hell, because i have great empathy for people, and don’t wish them to be sad especially because of me. I was trying ever so hard not to upset Nadean even more, she means a lot to me.

She is a true friend, one that has never lied to me. And I can relate to that, because I am the same, I have no fear of what is inside me or outside. What you see is what you get with me, i am 100percent true to all. Well maybe 80% sometimes, because I can really see how a person might be through the look in their eyes… so usually I adjust my personality and hold back either my true emotions or thoughts. I tried ever so hard to get Nadean to understand where we are in this friendship of ours, and that to make it better you would need a formal break-up between us. So that time she spends without my presence, is one where she learns to deal without me. Its a stage of evolution, where the mind, heart and soul become stronger. Everything is done for a reason, maybe she fell in love with me, and I broke her heart, so that she could learn to be strong inside. And the amount of times she expressed her feelings for me was pure delight for my heart, but in a way it taught her to be more confident with her emotions to others. I was the type to play dumb, because I knew that Nadean needed to express those feelings about me to others, to finally rid them.

Me and Megan are talking more now, it feels nice to have that link with someone i loved and still care for a lot. When I explained what happened on friday night, because I needed someone to talk to, she felt really weird and it upset her a little. The fact that she isn’t in a relationship right now, is alone and has no one to hold makes her cry. That breaks my heart in way, to see someone like her cry, she is quite fussy with men too… So it will be an uphill struggle for her to found someone to love and hold. But I hope she will find someone like me (but without the paranoid nature I sometimes get…)

I was speaking to my beautiful and calmly paranoid Alexandria, I don’t know if it was me, but her pattern or mood changed slightly towards me. We are very very close to each other and with that kind of closeness, a certain level of empathy is required for both persons to progress. But i guess it might of been me, going through all this stress and then expecting my angel to be perfect as per usual. But life is never perfect, and expecting perfection when you want it, isn’t the right path to take. This Sunday, I spoke to her and I think we are back on track with each other… Everything seemed to unfold and settle, the aftermath caused by the punishment I set her and also when she talked to my friend Charm. She asked Charm whether she had been in a relationship with me, I guess it was sweet in a way, because it shows she really does care for me and wants me for herself. She makes me feel really good when I get down sometimes, she makes laugh and has so much on her mind. The ability to express how she is, and what’s going on in ‘ally’s mind’ is pure heaven to me. ‘Its just what the doctor ordered’, as they say, because I am like that, we are able to communicate so fluently with each other. We are practically the same person inside, which comforts me a lot. I am signing off right now, if i missed anything… I DONT CARE…! ITS 2:41am!! night night…

I have had a combination of happy and sad feelings today. One think that sticks in my head is alexandria, i am so confused about our situation together… Maybe I am just a crush, because I am an older guy, but we get along so great… hmmm more deep thoughts I am gonna have to endure… grr…

It was so sunny outside, I loved the weather from the first moment I woke up and felt the sunshine across my room. My hair per usual, grows really quickly and is very thick, as a conclusion takes forever to style! After 10 minutes of trying to make it cool, i end up just going ‘argghh!’ on my hair, lol to my surprise it actually looked good! I decided to wear my dark brown t-shirt and levi’s boot-cut jeans… hehe and of course my lovely denim jacket, its so gorgeous! lol look at me acting like a girl, lol but you know i dont care… so ha ha! Well you know the annoying argument I had with Claudia, i kind of carried it on today, I was just annoyed by the way she acted and the fact that I felt this way for Alexandria and the truth of it all, didn’t help too much… But i started talking to her when Alev had to go to the toilet, it was just me and her, and somehow i broke the ice… It was quite quick and amazing, she was moving away from me, so I moved closer to her. lol Then moved back, so being typical Claudia, she moved closer to me, and i said ‘thats more like it!’. We had a giggle and laugh, and everything seemed better than ever. We ended up in Nando’s, Alev, Claudia and I where munching away at our food and enjoying a delightful conversation between. But poor Alev had another meeting with a friend, so we let her go and me and Claudia got down to some dirty talking… lol I told her how I felt for Alexandria and the truth about us… She was quite shocked to see what happened between us. But I told her that it was normal for me to have this kind of relationship with girls. I also told her about Nadean, and Claudia said ‘whats wrong with her…?’, replying back to her ‘nothing really, but she can get a bit too touchy on matters, just reminds of Megan at times…’

We had a wonderful conversation about Claudia’s turn ons and offs… lol I don’t know, some how she wasn’t too sure about what kind of man she likes, but I guess the amount of friends and love she gets, a man is just extra space. It was funny though, she made it clear! that she would never go out with someone younger than her… She is 21 so she must of been referring to me… lol! Once we took off from Nando’s and headed for the train station, we bumped along to Nav, his friend and the ‘weird girl’ bunch. The weird girl bunch consists of Wardha and Ruby, both I was once friends with, but once when of my friends ask her out. And he got rejected, she thought it was best somehow not to talk to me as well, and so like friend like friend, Ruby stopped talking to me. But I could see the look in Ruby’s eyes… lol Eventually Claudia got off at a train stop before than me, because she had to meet a friend to go shopping or whatever. I came home and found out that Nadean had been reading, my daily journal entry for yesterday, and the fact that I put moaning and complaining all the time really hurt her. Well I am sorry for saying that, but the way I was feeling about myself, i just wanted to leash out at anything close to me. She is a wonderful friend in crime lol, and honestly I miss her already… It really annoys me the fact I can’t find a girl who likes me out there, and the only ones that do like me are the ones online. Its a nice feeling, but chatting only gets you so far and physical contact to me, means so much more. Seeing a girl’s eyes and looking deep into her while talking means the world to me… I guess I need to be more confident and clever about the girl’s I chose next time I go out clubbing or to a bar…

Today i have been unusually bored… so i decided to crack open up my CD folder and install a music program and make some tunes. Damn i am fast at making music! I made one tune called ‘long night’ which is composed under the genre of ambient drum’n'bass. Its quite soft and gentle, yet with a nice bass line… Another song i made was called ‘dark entry’ its a dark techno tune which makes you feel the cool breeze of the summer nights. I also download some really cool and new trance/techno songs from mp3.com. I love the music that some of the artists produce, it gives me so much power and confidence listening to music like that. It always gives me the ability to focus and dream away…

Its been an unusual day, but for the likes of me quite normal in fact. I usually get a tumble of either happiness, or sadness. Its like here in london you either get 3 or 4 No.94 buses coming at the same time or nothing… lol Life is always quite strange for me, but I have to say I prefer this kind of life style and adventure… rather the normal plain life styles many people lead. Its like you get loads of people hating you at one time or you get lot of love and happiness, there doesn’t seem to be a equilibrium for me… never does… I guess its alright, it always happen to someone strong enough to handle such situations. I had a bit of a break out with claudia today, she came online and eventually i thought I better say hello, to see how she is doing. Our conversation kind of twisted and turned, like any normal taurus vs. scorpio conversation would… lol I got a pissed off with the way she was talking to me, eventually said good bye to each other… God some people are so annoying, Nadean (the scottish lass), I care for her a lot, and she always act moaning and complaining… I really don’t mind it but I have been trying to call her for ages… But she is shy and doesn’t wanna talk on the phone to me. Grrr… it gets irritating after a while of trying with her. So i have decided to give up and not text or ring her again… Its her lose at the end of the day, and she has gone further into breaking our friendship apart.

When I updated my website, i emailed all the important people and asked them to have a look around and tell me what they think of it! And Ben being such a cool guy was the only one to actually comment on the structure and functionality of my site. Megan had a look at it, and it was weird, cos she quickly commented about the parts which affected her the most. The fact that I wrote a poem for Alexandria and the past journal entries upset her. I was gonna call her when she went offline, but I thought I better let Megan cool down. I still really care for you, but a part of my heart will always belong to her. She was my first love and no one forgets that ever… I called her tonight, but she didn’t pick up her mobile. So I called a couple of times, I got a worried I thought she was completely pissed off with me. But to my delight, she was only watching a gram norton on channel 4. She called me back 20 minutes later, and wanted to speak to me. The weird thing about this conversation was the fact that she asked direct and precise questions on Alexandria. She wanted to know the reason why I blocked her and this and that stuff… I told her the complete truth about Alexandria, but I thought it would be better if I kept my feelings for Alexandria to a minimum not to hurt her. lol She even had the cheek of calling Alexandria ‘my little girlfriend’. After getting the details, she swiftly wanted to cut the telephone conversation short. I feel she still has feelings for me, especially because of the fact that a guy she liked called Craig has been casted out of the nicely craved picture frame of Megan’s life.

Ahhh… its a great feeling this… Writing in my diary again! Hello diary, i missed you a lot! (lol). You know what I really hate? When you get all comfortable in bed then forget to to switch off the light! lol! its so annoying, sitting here in my nice enclosed space typing onto my laptop and enjoying the sounds of coldplay… Its weird though, when I am writing into this diary now, I am starting to think more of what I write, cos I know I’ll have an audience… (hehe) But please anyone who reads this and see a grammatical or spelling mistake, please email me! I don’t wanna look like a complete prat… lol I love to think about life and how it evolves and how you meet people, where is fate a decider of what really happens to you, or is the future as they ‘unpredictable’ or ‘unchosen’. When I went to see the matrix 2 or as they call it reloaded (because of the plot of the film) on thursday with my lovely university friends. It was so funny though, one of my friends rob, was feeling mighty horny and decided to slash out at poor tina. Well, it got quite dirty, where tina actually followed rob into the toilet to scar the shit out of him. Rob has a thing for his penis, he always claims its 12feet in size and can kill any human female. But my ex, Megan told me ‘those males who big up their penis size are actually insecure’… but who knows with roberto lol! Now I was thinking, you could in theory apply this to other situations, where if someone starts saying they are wicked at this or that, then maybe they are trying to hide from society. I never really thought in that way, i guess (lol) i was always satisfied, well beyond satisfied really…! If i wasn’t good at something, wouldn’t bother giving the illusion to others that i was… However, this meant if was really good at something I would tell you know, so in fact its kind of contraindicative in way, but isn’t life usually that way.

Well back to my day,I was watching the film… you know how the bad things of people always stick in your head (i know its a bad thing, i try my best to forget those traits) but one thing I didn’t like was the fact that my friend ben had to be find the need to keep whispering over to rob, who was sitting on the right of me, while ben was on the left. So you can see it was quite irritating it was, especially during one of the most hyped up sequels of all time. Though I did really enjoy the movie, and i am really good at catching on with the story line and plot (well usually lol), and one scene that was really important, being between the architect and neo. Where the architect of the matrix was explaining about the error caused in the matrix each time it was built. The error being a human person would have the power to control and do what they wish inside the matrix (i.e. neo) so rather than let it go lose and crazy, the architect cleverly set out a path for neo to follow. Of course the one thing about humans, is the ability of free choice. But what i was discussing with my friend claudia, was the fact that maybe fate is already laid for you, and all you can do is follow it, while having the contemplation of free choice. I think, you get to choose but you are only allowed a certain amount of choice.

i.e. say that a person comes in-front of you, while you are walking along a path way. You would obviously go around the person, not under them or over. So you can basically start to predict how a human will behave if you set up their lives. How claudia was moaning about the fact that she would go back if that person would come in front of her in the path. However, i told her, ‘how do you know that, that person is set out to change your sequence of events…?’ she was left there trying to grab hold of any excuse to annoy my intelligence on the matter. lol! However what really hurts me, is how people act towards me sometimes. Especially, if i am friends with girls, i usually like to be, the fact of their maturity and intellectual level of interaction. You know, they aren’t as obsessed with sex as men might be. Its not always ‘oh look at that ass’ ‘oh she is fine…’ blah blah… but i am man, i can’t deny that, and definitely wont… lol Though it does annoy me when I can’t talk about something of deep interest. Back to what i was gonna say, now i noticed claudia giving rob a kiss good bye. However she enjoyed a lovely conversation with me on the train (i know that for sure, from the lovely sparkle in her eyes) but when we got off the train and departed our own ways, her body language was so negative to me. I was gonna go give her a hug and kiss, but she was walking away from me backwards, so i took that to heart and decided not to do it… Maybe as the unusual psychologist i am, i can put further analysis to what happened. I really don’t care, but it does get up my ass when girls-friends act like this! Its not like i haven’t know claudia for long, its been over a year now, just as much as rob. But i believe that she feels more as a friend to rob rather than me… i dont know just a guess, i guess lol! I think that it was a test of whether i would make physical closure with our conversation. So i deiced to go against the rules she was setting out… Just annoys a lot i guess, why they can’t act normal towards me… I think it might be the fact, i dont have a girlfriend, they think i am trying it on with them?? lol no clue… thats me! It’s weird, like most of the girls i have known, dont usually see me as a friend (you know the way they act) but they don’t see me as someone they fancy… where does that leave me? lol i have no idea….

Finally finished my Flash website! Woohoo! It took a lot of hours and hard work to get this site completed but its worth the while. I know it looks a lot like the last one, but the appearance might change when I get to version 4.5, maybe add more effects and eye candy later on. But this will do for now… (hehehe…) I think it’s big improve towards organisation and management of my site. It will be much easier to update stuff, cos I am using text files for the text, all I have to do is change the text file without having to copy and paste the text in flash. Its been a really busy day, i had spent ages sorting my past journal entries. I decided to use XML because the text files were really annoying me. And the structure of XML is more easier to handle. I have had nice and ‘long’ conversation with Nadean, scottish chick *slaps her on the ass*. I think we have worked through all the problems between us, but we are mostly either arguing or happy… lol love/hate relationship i guess… Nadean also told me that I look kinda of slim, I guess its true cos I haven’t been eating well lately, due to the fact of my exams and coursework I have been doing for uni… This is enough for now, my brain hurts and my eyes are tired.

I have felt even more complete today… My mind seems to be at rest, and I can communicate myself with people more easily. My mind has reached around 90% in terms of mental stability, however my heart is a completely different story… I have been in deep conversation with Lisa over these couple of days, we had a bit of a break the latter nights. But we resolved it very quickly, which had me really happy! I told her that we need a break from each other for one or two days. I told her that we would met on the internet again on Friday, to ‘test our love for each other…’ My passion and love for her is even extending, but its kind of calm and cool love for Lisa that I feel. Not the desperate kind of love I felt for Devi… Lisa wrote an email to me saying that she felt lost and that my eyes took her to another place, which heals her… That I am a wonderful person and she loves me… Her words are lovely, they made cry and still I feel pain in my heart. I feel like crying even more and more, to rid that pain…

Those sleepless nights with her were amazing to me, I have met so deep and spiritual with other girl before. I guess none of the girls I have met wanted to go so spiritually deep with me. They feared what was on the other side, but that fear gives them a wrong impression about me. For Lisa has the confidence to face me and take in my beauty, mind and my soul. For finding only one person is the most importance in life, the one who can understand your ways… ‘why do you this, when you do this, how you do this…’ Those aspects are of great magnitude when it comes to love… Understand me spiritually, physically and mentally takes a person of great courage and mind, but once the task is completed, unlimited joy is achieved by my partner…” p2=”I want to see Lisa, I want to hold her, feel and see her beauty, feel her hair, listen to her talk, see the movement of her lips, feel and hear her breath at night… Yet, strangely she hasn’t asked me out there or tried to invite herself, but I guess she fears my reaction, she fears being disappointed the ultimate pain of love. She hasn’t give asked for my phone number… But I guess speaking to someone for 2 weeks, its not enough to give some complete stranger your number or ask you to come over to her place. Only time will tell, how she feels about me…

Its been quite a while seen have written in this diary. And quite a lot has happened in terms of emotions and friendships. My friendship with Lisa has grown to quite a close bond in only 2 weeks, which I happen to found completely amazing…! A girl I met on the Internet, I seem to be addicted to. Her looks, her love and admiration towards me puts me on a whole new level of confidence and happiness. I feel for her and I want to see her in real life, but she feels that it might not happen. I must make a decision on whatever to see her or not. Let my heart be the leading role this time (over my mind). She believes we are soul mates, which find completely amazing thought to have towards me! We have chatted on the Internet for so long now… basically 4 hours each time we met (around 20 hours in 2 weeks!). My only fear is that will lose my chance with Tina if I go with Lisa but whether our relationship will carry and progress it yet to be known. But Tina is different, our relationship can only get stronger, this is because we see each in university everyday, but with Lisa I feel this wonderful inter-spiritual connection, something deep, very deep between us… Its freaks me out, I look at her picture (when she was 6 years old) and I can feel so much for her. She sent me a new picture of her one taken in 2002, she looks so beautiful; her face has so much character and it really touches my heart to see her photo. I even went so far as into printing out both of the pictures and putting it into my wallet.

My suspicions about it have come to even more unusual twist, is this because I clearly see the jealously evolved inside her mind. Its on the basics of jealously, that she feels betray and disloyalty, this theory is because the same has happened to Lisa. She felt very angry and very emotionally unstable… Her senses and feelings towards me seem to be deep and fulfilling, but I fear if I try to make a move the friendship will end in tragic scene…

I have found out that most women find me attractive (not trying to sound arrogant but more scientific), I will say around 70% of the women I come into contact with have been a good impression. They view me as confident, charming, a bit of tease, and a nice person. If this is due to my facial features, that is still to be recognised for my self-fulfilment in life. Whether they enjoy my company as a figure, or if they enjoy my company as a human is still to be known… All girls I have spoken have told me about my skills as a good listener (my acceptance of their reality). This kind of reaction has made me come half way out my depress status (currently under gone, thorough Devi’s words upon our chance to increase your relationship from friend to ‘b/f-g/f’ status). Her words have put a massive halt on my chance to get a love life. I fear the worst in getting a relationship with someone I love, for my worst quality is not that I love people blindly but the fear I hold… It might girls nervous and tense I speak to them about love and relationships (the deep thinking kind). I love talking about people think and how they evolve from time and experience. But what I fear is the fact I could throw caution to the wind and tell Donjeta how I feel about her but the fact is that I wouldn’t like our friendship to end up in the dumps.

OK OK! I tested her… a simple, yet rude psychological test. I was on MSN, she logged on I said ‘my brother loves you’ ‘what are you talking about??’ ‘I am halmat’s bro…’ ‘ok’ ‘bye’” p3=”Now from this chat, I met Donjeta today and she seemed very happy with life… She hasn’t been like this for a long time about the same time when I told her about the fact I like Devi. She seemed very angry and bored with me…! I was thinking that something most be up with her!! But it seemed that she expected a certain action from me to be taken, however when she didn’t receive that action by me, she completely turned on me… This is the same with a ‘unknown girl A’, this girl A was also very bored and kind of hated me as well. For exactly the same reason!! Because she didn’t get a response from me when she became angry, she (as in Donjeta) become even more depressed and angry with me… So therefore our friendship went into overload of confused emotions… I was completely confused, but I truly knew what I was wrong in her heart… She wanted a man to come after her, constantly chase her to prove that he really liked her… As the same with Devi… I hope I can say this in confidence now from the facts I have gathered across many girls from everywhere, the net, and real-life… And I can’t turn myself from the truth that emits from people’s eyes…

The self-actualisation, and self-realisation of myself is coming to near completion. I have finally found myself, the destiny I need to provide to the world for myself to be 100% happy. For my heart, mind and soul to be fully content with the surrounding environment. To react with people is a wonderful spectrum of emotions and knowledge to be learnt, however people who don’t see on the same level of spiritual interaction are usually not in a hatred or disliking mode against you, but the time of birth relates people to each other. The weather seems to have a massive impact on the social acceptance with each other, whether people can understand you is most importance in social acceptance. The chats I have had with girls on the internet, have given me some vital clues on their emotional and attractive functions towards male subjects. The bone structure and symmetry of facial features are very important to the women. This is because they give birth to kids, and they feel that a man with good facial features is needed to have a good-looking child. And of course, female subject experiences most of the emotions that male subjects experience in the day-to-day life. But women over the thousands of years are now psychologically shaped to ‘be chased’ and ‘wait’ for the right man to come along. Of course there are exceptions when women see a very attractive man, but most likely no matter how facially attractive the women still draws back and expects the male subject to make the ‘first move.’ And again there are exceptions, but I am speaking in general terms here…

Now my instinctive senses are growing in confidence, upon who likes me as a friend, or those girls who like more than a friend. This instinctive sense, is very unusual to me, I know who finds me attractive, remember women can find you attractive but morals and family, get in the way of fulfilling their wishes. The eyes are very unusual ‘emitters’ of emotional status… The displaying of feelings are very strong as well, I can see, (feel their emotions) who loves who, who is sad, who is about to cry, ‘the glitter’ or the level of water inside the eye can give clues on how the subject feels at the moment. It’s ‘an instinctive skill’, remember this can be built over the number of years. But the true masters of this kind of ‘idealistic’ visions are ones with emotional backgrounds, subjects with ever comforting parents, and of course ones with ever-lasting confidence, a self built confidence (arrogance can be recognised in subject).

It’s a kind of (phrase taken from Devil’s Advocate) ‘look but don’t touch…’ ‘touch but don’t taste…’ ‘taste but don’t swallow…’ This strange phrase happened to be built into humans a lot, breaking free of those instinctive features is very difficult. For most humans don’t have the confidence to tell you how they truly feel about you, until they reach a stage of security and stability, the human subjects are not content to express themselves to you.

Ok returning back to the subject I was talking about… Nearly every girl I meant said I was a 8/9 out of 10. And the one girl called Lisa give me 10.5 out of 10, and she has probably seen a lot of good-looking man in her time. Its unusual how people become more honest when you on the internet, they tell you the truth without fear. But strangely the blonde haired girls weren’t into my look, they preferred the Brad Pitt look, so from this conclusion I think I can safely say that Donjeta doesn’t like me than me a friend…(I think) Because when I showed her the photo of the girl I met on the internet Lisa (nutter babe), I saw the intermediate reaction of sadness in her eyes… I think she felt like crying, maybe because I found someone and she hasn’t… Or maybe I broke her heart… I was thinking, I came to her house, I met her family, and I had dinner. Not many girls would do that, a likely 2% of girls at Donjeta’s age. What did that mean? She must admire me in some way to allow me to come over to her house. I think she used to guys chasing her and when the love of her life comes along, she is entrapped she cant move or say anything…

Like my poem Dream Girl ‘mind becomes blanked by your beauty, Nothing to say, I fade away into the dark shadows of the limitless world…’ For this very true, most people don’t confront the people they secretly love but they hide and suffer the pain of lose at their hand. Because simply they follow their minds not their hearts, the minds tell them to wait and be patient not to make a move for fear of rejection/disappointment. It’s strange but I can most instantaneously see which girls like me or not from the emotions in their eyes. Now from Devi from my instincts tell me, they seems to be in depression status… You can just see her face and see how much different she looks after our break up of friendship. Because I know she had a good time looking with me on the phone and she enjoyed my company. Strangely all we mostly talked about was the girls I liked or I would like to go out with… We also talked about psychological aspects of each other, we were quite honest to each other, but I knew she still held back on me. Now get this, if she was my friend, and only saw me as my friend she would try to get our friendship back. But she is afraid of my rejection of friendship or something kind of rejection because deep down in her heart she feels the same for me, as I did for her. But remember old love can still be lit again. If she ever felt the same for me… I think what the problem was that I wasn’t too into her, I did like her but not enough attention was given to her, so therefore she felt angry when I told her I liked her so late…

The amount of girls of that said I was good-looking on MSN chat was amazingly.

Went out yesterday night, was really good. It was a shame that Ali became sick, when he drank 3 shots of vodka mixed with coke. He was dared into drinking all of it, but he later found out the consequences of it…

A couple of hours before we went to the Natural Portrait Museum, to Micro gallery where the interactive centre was… I decided to meet Manish at university as well. I think that Donjeta was angry with me for not speaking to her on MSN (maybe yes or no). But she was surprised that I came to university, this confused me a little, because I told her that I would meet her in university the latter Tuesday. She then switched, somehow trying to ignore and show that she didn’t like… Like I would care that I liked her, I see her as a kind of a sister right now. I just want to be friends, why is she acting so weird…? Well, she will found out like Devi that doing this, will result in nothing… She will get nowhere with me by doing this. Ok…ok, I am not going crazy. Donjeta was like trying to run away from me, grabbing hold of Nailah all the time. (Was it to show that she was afraid of me…?? I don’t have a clue) another good friend has to be Alex (Greek) who came up to me today while I was outside, even though Nailah and Ian saw me outside they didn’t come… What a bunch of fat ass bitchz…!!! I think Nailah is ok, but I still look at her in a cautious manner…

Back to the club night: We were supposed to go to a club called ‘Sound’ but sadly a group of Ali’s friend including himself were not allowed in…. (WTF, the bouncer said ‘sorry too many mens…’) So ended up in a club called ‘Capital’, such a shit place but it was Ali’s birthday we had to make a good night for his sake. I had a great time dancing and showing my moves; the girls seemed to be impressed as well as the guys. I danced a lot with a girl called Sungita, who was a really good dancer…! We had a lot competitive dance routes against each other… Overall I made a good night of it all, everyone enjoyed it! I went home after that taking the usual N94 bus. I met a lot of new and friendly people, and my friendship with previous people grew even more…

I was right about myself, my instincts seem to be correct! Well most of the time… (I hope!) Now I went to my uncle’s house, and I went onto his PC to chat on MSN chat, I say in truth, I don’t know how attractive the girls looked or if they were actually girls…? LOL But the girls I spoke, or who spoke with me, told me that I either looked ‘nice’ or ‘sexy’. So basically 100% of them said I looked good… Which kind of backup’s my what I have been trying to say all along… That the girls that look at me all the time, are actually attracted to me… Its interesting to see that girls on the internet are much more open about their feelings, simply because they are protected by a barrier called ‘the net and the computer’ you don’t see the person one-to-one and therefore you are much, much more open to other people. If you see a pic of a sexy girl on the internet you would say so straight away without thought. You obvious wish you could do that in real life, but the fact of rejection on a face-to-face basics turns many people off… And therefore the only way for people to overcome this kind of ‘lack of confidence’ is to go as a group, were friends are there to support you (a basic emotional backup) It’s the same for both men and women, when they go as groups they feel more open and secure. For example, when I was in Sweden a group of Perish girls said ‘u are beautiful!’ to me (I was around 16, had my little goatee) because they thought I was Perish and they were in a group it feel for them express their true feelings.

People are reluctant to express themselves very frequently to the people, they are attracted to. The more you are attracted to someone the more you become nervous and tense around her… Especially when physical contact is applied, the hearts rate rises and the eyes water. However you do ‘basically’ escape from this stage after you have made contact, if person is friendly or not will give you a clear indication of how far to go along the path of love. But remember that you most not get love and friendship mixed in the same boat. When something likes you (as in more than a friend) than most likely at the early stages of they nervous and unwilling to do things with you or go somewhere. Now this kind of reaction is one of a deep-likeness towards you, so don’t think that the girl like doesn’t like you. She is basically too speechless from your radiate looks to say anything. But she replies back and is quiet warm in the early stages than you are out of luck for the time being… However if the girl asks you out (in whatever manner) and you like the girl, then please don’t miss your opportunity, once maybe and if she asks again and you fail to turn up… BAD, BAD boy! Its happened with me, with Devi, she asked me to go to the Brunel fresher-ball, I said get my a ticket, but what I should of done was gone there and brought a ticket… Second time to the movies, she said ‘ok we can go’ but what do I do!! I completely forget about it and don’t arrange anything… Stupid, stupid me!! Oh well, I am feeling to sleepy to write anymore…

My conversations on MSN with Donjeta are very unusually to my standard of a usual conversation with someone on the internet. I spoke with her yesterday and she feels exactly the same as me, a lost person looking for love… I feel the same! Its amazing how two completely different people’s lives come together at a moment in time? She said on MSN that she felt bored, I replied ‘me too! I need a girlfriend…’ ‘go and get one then’ ‘yeah, met psycho girls… no thanks, I don’t trust any girls I don’t know now…’ ‘yeah but one of them…, but…’ Then her computer went down hill, and our conversation ended…

Before this, I met Donjeta in university before our Screen Studies lecture, and Arti seemed to be wanting to follow her like a some robotic android… LOL Some men at their desperate times will go into infinite lengths to get the woman of his dreams. He doesn’t seem to be stopping, but I think she seems to be feeling a set of emotions, anger, fear and depression. She told me that, she went up to the computer and Arti followed her, and sat there watching her. She was shouting at him, and she felt it be very embarrassing and decided to go to the bar and discuss Arti’s mental love problems… I truly wanted to go and see her in the bar and see what’s going on?? But as usual I let my mind rule my heart, my stubborn and teenage attitude over me… That’s what it told me in the psychological test I did on the internet last night… I am fool, but I am someone who is cautious… Ali and I went to bar to sit and chat about life… He was trying get his hands on Wardha…! I told him go for it! I spoke out just about as Donjeta was to leave the bar, she turned (as if happy to have won the ignoring game), and we spoke for a minute or so. Then she left to play some table tennis, so we (Ali and I) decided to go and play some ourselves too! We arrived there around 10 minutes later; they were sitting there without a ball, Mole (one of Ali’s friends went to get a ball). They started playing Donjeta was first up… The ball dropped my way many times, but when I gave her the ball she avoided eye contact with me (don’t know why, I am still in an early stage of psychoanalysing people, so I cannot give a knowledgably assessment). She lost the second game against Bled (a very nice guy, very clever person), so she sat down and we started chatting, I must say that the conversation we had was very boring… It hang by a string, we had a much better conversation when we started talking about Arti’s mad love for her… It made us connect much more. We talked on the bus a bit more, then was it, when she opened her feelings up to me a bit more… Our friendship went up another level, right there…! She talked about how shitty her life was… meaning her love life… It’s remarkable to see how girls feel, she must feel much more intense than I do, simply because she is a woman, and her emotional status is raging a thousand times more than men. Look how I feel… She must feel in much more depressed condition. I asked her why ‘women want a man who is taller than them?’ She said simply for security, to feel safe… Therefore, women still feel that need of a fatherly role to be played out by their partners.

However, I see something in her eyes she isn’t telling me. Now I told Donjeta that I would meet her in university for the Design as Communication trip, I must follow this ‘promise-like’ thing I told her… All I need to do is to remember that she is my friend, and not look at her in a sensual female manner. Everything will be alright… For I can’t do like I did with Devi, where every time we supposed to go somewhere I was too lazy to do anything, and she kept on trying… But so did I!!! I kept on asking and she replied with ‘I don’t know.’ So I guess you could say that it was both sides of the parties fault… For when she left university, I said ‘should I come with you?’, she answered in an intense manner (looking down) ‘I don’t know its up to you…’ Now in friendship, you would love for your friend to come with you, but not say ‘I am not sure, you choose…’ HUH! HUH!! That intense feeling in your heart rages up and down in that time of question when you ask someone you like… For the male and female feelings are very much ‘hand-in-hand’, but females experience the emotions much more strongly. But you do get exceptions for males as well, who experience emotions much more powerfully than normal males or vice versa.I must say that I love writing in this diary of mine, gives me comfort to write my feelings in there. For its makes me understand others and myself much better, because I can analysis the information from each day I write here.

The method upon which people group themselves is one of a kind of tribal process, where they find a common interest or status between each other and then attach themselves to each other thorough that tribal process. Its impossible to be able to group yourself to all ‘tribes’, the amount of time needed to spend with each ‘tribe’ to provide them with a good bond which lends to comfort state, would be too long to actually bond with another ‘tribe’. This problem means that you must choose the type of people you must your bond with, even if your bond with other people is good, you must choose… This leaves me in a hard position, I don’t want to hurt other peoples feelings, and therefore I must choose the right people to hang with, the people that see me as a human being and not a puppet to play around and use. I have seemed to inject hate into the girls I have come into contact with… I have no idea why? Maybe they expected a certain reaction from and haven’t received it… They may have misunderstood my friendship, maybe they expected something else, and have be angered by the absence of that affection. Donjeta is now completely off me…! This angers me because she was only my friend for the reason of being attracted to me…! And not my friend for reason of my personality…! I feel pissed off, its my beauty which covers my inner personality from people. Donjeta doesn’t seem want to be my mate… anymore..? Stupid ass girls… What the fuck do they expect me to do when they obvious will reject me?? I think that they the only reason for speaking to, its because they are attracted to me and when I don’t act quick enough and take my time they get angered and leave…

don’t understand why people, mostly the girls I have got to know are acting very unusually… I have some idea into why they are acting so… For instance with Devi, she thought if she started speaking to me again the I would think that she likes me… But no, I don’t! Forget about it! You know what I mean…! Now Donjeta seems to be acting very weird now… She doesn’t like to speak to me anymore, well, fuck that! What am I supposed to do?? Please I wish God would give a sign or some help!!

I can’t seem find someone to express my feelings towards, well David is a good friend, one of my best friends. But he is not very emotional person, women I found to have more sympathy than men, guess that’s why I prefer to speak to women more. They are on a more advanced level of emotional status, however with this advanced level, they bring the bad side as well as the good side. The emotions some women bring is terrible, they seem to be good listeners. I guess I need someone who likes to listen to my feelings, to my emotions, need someone to let out my mind’s contemplations (if you know what I mean).

I downloaded this new song called ‘seasons’ by Jonannes Roussel, really relaxing song, brings me into a depressed emotional state though. I feel a bit sad when I listen to this song, but strangely I seem to like to be sad and depressed… I don’t know why?!? I found it more unusual the way my mind works everyday. I thought I had one of the clearest minds, but ironically I also have one of the most complex and emotional minds to be found. Someone who is good with people is usually very complex inside, well that’s what I think. Simply because I am a nice person, but inside I have both a pure and clear mind, while I have another side which is very emotional and unorthodox… I can get very hurt on people’s words nowadays, people who I care and think deeply of… And yet I should give them immediate punishment, I fear for the fact of losing their friendship, because the ‘friends’ I have in university seem to be the only friends I can gain right now… I fear that if I express my true towards them that I will lose them and be left stranded alone. But that kind of feeling has never made change my attitude towards people, I was always true and frank towards everyone I knew. I told them whatever was on my mind, even if meant hurting myself. I never tried to hurt, I believe I have become a bit of a softly…! Fuck me! I was always the tuff kid on the block; no one dared to mess with me… Now I try to avoid confrontation, I think more than action, I am starting to lose my confidence when speaking towards people. I can’t let a small emotional heart ache (Devi) let me ruin my confidence… I have started becoming more my usual self, which is a good sign. I seem to have lost my aggressive power over some people. I used to be a bad boy, but I am soft boy. Well fuck that! I am going to act more myself now, but obviously follow the rules, or stretch them to the limit…

must start giving the full potential I purpose inside. I can be the best at anything I do, that’s the ultimate truth. But why am I too lazy to study, I must forget my love life for the time being… I must start giving my full effort into everything I do now. Its my heart which has stopped me all my life from giving my full potential. I guess God is stopping from giving my full, because if God wanted me to show my full power, then God would obviously give me a girlfriend to stabilise my heart and mind. But every girl I seemed to try it on with has rejected me… Very unusual situation I seem to be in… How every time I tried to get a relationship with a girl it seemed to go all wrong for me… Very interesting point I have gathered just now. It cannot be just coincidence, its happened to many times… With Gita, how Sebastian told me to ask Lisa out as a bet, when he clearly liked her. Then this made Gita angry to be picked as second best. So that went all wrong, when I never liked Lisa, and I only did it for Sebastian’s sack. Now with Devi, we should of gone out a lot of times together, gone clubbing, cinemas and other stuff, but it never worked out… Too weird to say its just ‘coincidence’.

I missed the Formula last night I couldn’t stay awake, but I woke up around 4am and saw that Michael Schumacher was leading, hopefully he would of won the race. I will have to wait and see if he won at 2pm when ITV are going to repeat the Australia Grand Prix. I feel like calling Donjeta, but I don’t know, I seem to be a bit nervous… I wouldn’t know what to talk about if I call her, and if she is there. I would call Devi, but she’s still up in her emotional depression status. I will talk to her this Monday, if God wishes for our friendship to continue, God will hopefully plan something, somehow where we will meet up, like missing the lecture. If she wants to be my friend then she will agree to listen to me, if not than fucking hell someone kill me, coz I seem to be surrounded by bitches.

I don’t know what is going with Donjeta, she seems very emotional unstable towards me… What do these girls want from me?? I don’t understand… I wish someone could just give me a little clue… any little thing would be help… Why they are acting so strange, like they want something from me and they aren’t getting it from me…! Donjeta, I think has had it where guys chase her, but now someone she likes isn’t chasing her, think she is disappointed in that person… Who could it be, I don’t know… Maybe I am just a bit paranoid and she has got problems at home… Like everyone… I guess I able to hide my domestic problems more easily than others… Its my style to look and stay calm. Even though I feel really depressed inside, I don’t show that depression. I just want friends right now… Devi is such an unusual person, she is a true Taurus! Very stubborn and bull-headed person she be… I know she wants to talk to me and be my friend, but she believes that I have to make the first move or contact (as you could say). And I will make the first contact; I need to teach her a lesson in life. She needs to know that ‘I’ (as in myself) do hurt and ‘you must chose your words very careful next time.’ Anyway, she was the one who started being weird and ‘not’ wanting to speak with me. Now she takes attention when I start speaking, like she truly wants to make contact with me but in clever, sleekly way where I don’t notice… But I am a person who confronts my fears, and my problems from the beginning. However sometimes problems with human beings can’t be solved with intermediate action, sometimes patience and constant emotional withdraw is the best solution for the human mind. The basic ‘cooling off period’ is needed for the other person to feel the effect of emotional and physical withdraw when they do something wrong against me. But I believe the most affective kind of psychological shaping occurs when the human being doesn’t know when they are being basically ‘shaped’.

It felt nice when Donjeta said that I am one of her best friends… (I have had someone told that before, I have never had a best friend. I’ve had a lot friends, but never someone I have spent time with, enjoy things with… It hurts me mentally and in my heart.) I told her to act like one… I didn’t believe her though, I think she was trying to be nice and not hurt me. But I am a strong person, both mentally and emotionally; I get over girls in two days max! if they don’t like… The music is my main source of power, its my secret main weapons against fighting off those heart aches… I know now the truth is more in my instincts, I need to trust my instincts more… They seem to be true. Like that guy I met when I went to Area 51 with Ali. He told me: ‘I see things, I see things others can’t see… I knew I was going to met you before you came… You (as in me) are the Don! You may think I am talking bullshit, but the amount of girls you can pull is amazing… You don’t know it yet, but when you found out… You are going to BIG! So Big that they won’t know what to do with you!!! You are so lucky…! Just remember who told you…’ I know that it be the truth now, he be speaking the truth. I am a beautiful person (touch wood!) The reason why I couldn’t get a girlfriend is that girls were too scared to talk to me, coz of my beauty… You know, when you met someone really good-looking you get really nervous and don’t know what say… Well that how its for me… But because of this, when I ask girls they say ‘no!!’ for the fact they don’t want to show that they are attracted to me. It’s a natural reaction for human being at this age, it’s a kind of stubborn teenage thing. But once they get out of it, reach an age of 21 and onwards they become more relaxed and natural towards me… I hope so, maybe my beauty is to much for some girls to handle… I don’t know, what more can I say. I am very good flirting person, I have a good and gentle personality. So I can be a boring good-looking person. I am not vain, or egoistic, its just the truth I see amongst myself… I need a job and I can’t seem to get any… Maybe God is giving the sign the do what my heart says… Maybe I need to start to apply for modelling jobs…

I have been thinking about God’s existence inside me, around me and everywhere… Seen I got the results back for my COS105 module (basically failed!! 36%), those contemplations on God have been put into doubt somewhat very badly. I’m doubting God’s existence, does he exist? Is my faith in God giving me false strength? Is my faith in God giving false dreams? Am I losing myself in a paranormal delusion created by my own imagination? Why do I keep asking and praying to God and expect answers from him? For is my mind the source of God? I once fully believed in God, and I know God believed in me, I guess my contact with such right-wing Muslims have poised my attitude and mind towards life. I feel I have been more raciest these couple of weeks… especially towards Jewish people. I am sorry for this… For before, I had nothing against people in race and religion. I looked at people in a very pure manner, never being religiously judgemental towards them.

I believe I have lost my contact with God these a couple of weeks, and I believe that is the reason why… Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t? I feel on the edge in university now. I guess I need to be on the edge for me to perform to my highest. But still have my doubts over the existence of God, its now dwelling in my mind more and more… It might be more of a scientific view, but that’s enough to splash God’s being from a person mind. I have be praying to God a lot, for none of my wishes to come true yet… The greatest one being that of getting a girlfriend, nothing has happened, I have tried and failed… Devi seemed to hate not like me… Donjeta would be a nice girlfriend, but I believe that she will say ‘no’ as well. Somehow they all do, and if I find a girl that says ‘yes’ I will be in for a real shock… The shock of rejection is nothing for me; I have been rejected so many times, that it can’t affect me anymore… The surprise will come from acceptance!!! LOL

ust finished my Design as Communication tutorial and lecture. I felt very sick today and had a very bad fever yesterday. I felt completely surreal yesterday, my mind was totally in a different planet…! (if you know what I mean) Now Devi, seems like a very weird person to me… I just wanna be friends with, but still she tries to ignore me… come on! Get over it! WTF! She tries to act all happy one moment then all sad the next…? Like one moment she doesn’t want to speak with me, but on another moment I feel she forces herself to be nice… I guess the same thing happen with Viyan in Germany, she suddenly started to ignore and hate me… But on the last day I used some very clever reverse psychology on her. Then I think she slowly came back to a normal emotional equilibrium. There is something usual about this situation, what I need to understand why they are upset with me?? For I have done nothing wrong but be friendly with them. I don’t understand the situation I am in when involved with these girls…?? It has happened only twice now, but that’s enough evidence for me to be somewhat suspicious. I need to get my mind to understand this, but how? If the girls don’t explain or tell me what is wrong then how I am to know? I haven’t asked Devi why she is angry with me? I do care, because she goes to the same classes as me and we see each other in university. And I what to know why she isn’t at least semi-friendly with me!!

I see the look in her eyes, like today when we first made eye contact, I saw warm and love in them. Then when we around friends, she become very cold, yet curious… Maybe that’s her attitude, I will try to talk to her about why she acting this ‘ice queen’ role. Frankly I don’t give a shit anyway, she is a bit of crazy loony for me! Just see me as a mate…? Yeah right! Then act like one!! Don’t try start playing cat and mouse games with me… Coz she’s completely lost her chance with me, I have lost all mental emotions for her, everything is now on a physical level. I only wish I had a girl friend… Any girl now (has to be a pretty girl though, and if she is willing to go out with a pretty boy) Someone I look into her pretty girls and stroke her smooth hair… Someone to hold… Donjeta is a good person, I feel I can’t fully trust her yet with everything I tell her… Simply because she might get something I say in the wrong way. (if you get my drift) I was going to tell her about the dream I had basically 5 years ago! Where I dreamt of having sex with a girl who had light brown hair and blonde highlights and average breasts… I can’t remember her face, but I can remember the layout of the room… But I can’t… not yet… Maybe when she feels more comfortable in front of me. I do truly like her, she’s very clever and sneaky person though, but I believe her affection is somewhat of a genuine one. (still not sure)

I can’t understand women… The younger they are the more complicated they seem to be… I was just watching Taal, an Indian film about love and family… It made me cry a lot…